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I went through a lot as a child. I was abused by my mentally ill mother. I moved to a foreign country. I was separated from my father. I've had bulimia. I was bullied.
But now I am an adult, aren't I? It's an excuse for a child to be messed up because of her surroundings, but now I have turned 18, and my life is more messed up then ever.
I'm 3months into university but only when to classes about 3 times. I still have bulimia. I have no friends. I pretty much failed most subjects already.
The bad childhood I wanted to leave behind still affects me and haunts me to this day. So what to do? I can not clearly organize my thoughts but here are the solutions that pops into my mind. I always try to analyze everything perfectly, but I'm not gonna do that anymore and I'm just gonna write whatever I feel is right.
First of all, even if I am hated, I should surround myself with family and friends.
I have low self-esteem. No wonder, because all through childhood, I've been told "You're stupid, ugly, fat, unworthy, disgusting, rude, sinner." "Nobody likes you" "You will go to hell" "You're a psycho" over and over and over again everyday. Most of them from my mother. Occasionally from my older sister. So I shy away from people and when I'm with them, I make hateful comments so that they feel as bad as I do. But I don't want things to be that way obviously. I want people to be happy and myself to be happy. I'd rather be hated and bullied than be alone. Even though now that I don't live with my mother, I don't think anyone will hate me that much.:P I'm gonna meet friends for homework and studying together. ♥
Secondly, I should not stray away from Holy Father anymore.
When things get tough, I blame Father. But I know that it's all part of his gran plan and I know that He sobs for me when I weep. That's what I believe because I feel it. Why stray away from the only one who can love me completely and unconditionally?
Thirdly, I should always try to study hard.
Easier said than done. This is what I've been trying to do my whole life, but I could never do. It doesn't matter whether you are happy or unhappy. You must have the energy to work hard! If I'm doing something I love, then, I don't need energy boost to keep me going. I'll just work hard because I want to. But In university, the learning pace is way too fast to do a thorough studying. So I need an extra boost in energy. And they are the 1st and 2nd rules of this post.
So, meet friends for lunch, study groups, party hard, splurge on fabulous clothes, accept the Ruby ring my dad is going to get me this winter break (>.<), drink coffee, rest in God, go crazy, and study hard!♥
