Updating my Home Study

I can honestly say I am (finally) in a really good place emotionally. The clomid did a number on me, but it wasn't just that. I think after so many failed infertility treatments, my mind (and body) just had enough. I needed a break. I needed to give myself time to breath and recuperate. Being home with my Mom, Dad and brother was great. Being next to the ocean, I was home. It was powerful. It was incredibly rejuvenating. I thought a lot about our next steps while we were on vacation. I am so incredibly blessed because my husband, family & friends support me 100% in whatever direction I decide to take. That means I am able to make the decisions that feel right in my heart, without worrying or even having to take into consideration what other people will think, because I know they will be behind me no matter what I decide. When I live in the moment, I am happy. When I daydream about a future where I am a Mama, I am happy. When I think about starting treatment again, I get tense. I don't think I have it in me to face treatment right now. To start taking the drugs again, to have another failed cycle. I have a box of Femara and HcG on my dresser, and I am not looking forward to taking them. I know I have the option to do a natural cycle IUI, but with the money I am spending each cycle, I want to be sure I have the best possible chance of conceiving, so I want to do medicated cycles. I know that sometime down the road, I will try again, but I just don't think I want to right now. I am finally feeling like my old self again and I know if I start treatment, all the old worries will reappear. You might have already figured out where this post is heading: Adoption. I emailed the Psychologist who did our home study last summer (when we were going to apply to adopt from Colombia) and she told me that it would only cost $250 to update our home study to reflect our move to the United States program from the Colombia program. We would also need to update our criminal record checks and child abuse registry check. We would need to meet with the Psychologist only once. Andino and I were incredibly relieved when we knew that it was not going to be a huge ordeal to update our home study. I've always said that I envision my future family as a mixture of adopted and biological children. I've also written before about how my heart feels completely drawn to adoption right now. It will be incredibly difficult to manage financially ($30,000 +) but in my heart, this just feels like the direction I need to take. I want to at least complete my dossier, and send it to the agency. I know it can take a long time to receive a referral, but I am almost finished my photo book, (I got some great shots to add to the book over my vacation. I kept saying "Take a picture of me doing this/standing here for my photo book!") and it won't be too hard to update our home study, which is the main part of the application. I am happy with the path I am on. I know I want to do this without a shadow of a doubt. There is not even one small part of me that questions whether I want to adopt. My only worry is honestly, "how are we going to afford this?" but, where there is a will there is a way, right? I am trying not to think too far into the future and focus only on the present, and the near future. I want to enjoy the end of summer without enduring another two week wait and failed cycle. In other news, I am also focusing on exercise and healthy living. After Mexico, I was kind of depressed and I stopped exercising. Recently, I realized that being physically active is an important part of feeling emotionally balanced. Not to mention, it's good for the self-esteem ;) - See more at: http://gypsymamasjourney.blogspot.ca/#sthash.7Dge7iug.dpuf


-Gypsy Mama

author of Gypsy Mama's Journey

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