Ups And Downs

To say that the last almost six weeks have been a challenge would be a fairly significant understatement. To be truthful, this week and even TODAY have been a challenge. But there has been change, which surely can be called progress. Right?

I stood in the closet the other day with my nose buried in my husband's shirts, trying to see if I could smell his scent. You know, the scent you can pick out that is the essence of your husband, the one you can identify blindfolded in a room of hundreds of people. It wasn't there. It's nowhere, anymore, except in my memory. And I cried.

My nephew came a couple of weeks ago to install window film on seven of my windows - those which face directly westward. He was not successful. I prayed for grace so that I could give him grace, and the Father was gracious to give it to me. I passed it on, and after he left, I cried. Probably because of not only the waste of money (it was a learning exerience, I tell myself) but also because I sent an email to my husband's fraternity letting them know of his passing. That such a stupid little thing would make me cry amazes me.

Next week my sister is moving 11 hours away to live with our brother. She will have a computer, and I have notified our brother that she will need Internet access. He's on the road much of the time as a trucker, but has friends across the street who will look after her and she can help them out too. She had an "episode" last week in the Walgreen's parking lot and ended up in the hospital. I told her that it must be really making the evil one mad that she is leaving the scary situation she is in, so don't let him win! That made her laugh, and I really like to make her laugh. Her box of stuff is full, and is sitting here in the office floor to put in the car when I leave. I've cleared off my computer, and yesterday was able to get all the pictures saved to a hard drive.

I joined the church where I have been attending and serving coffee since October. It was time.

I went fishing up at the lake with a couple of ladies I serve alongside at church. We had a lovely time, although it was weird to have them look at me as some sort of authority. I'm not used to being the mature lady. I told them about when my husband died, and it was the first time I had done that to someone who was not family or a close friend. I could not stop shivering the whole time, until they wrapped me in a fleece blanket and a crocheted afghan and I finally got warm.

I went to visit my cousin and her family with my mom and took Communion in a church that doesn't generally let those not of that faith partake of the Body and the Blood. And we went to the beach, and shopping, and cooked and ate and hung out. She let me drive her car! Thankfully the grocery store was nearby and I did not get lost. And her husband invited us back.

I have been struggling with what I am supposed to do with my time now that the exams are over. I'm still waiting on the state to issue a license - seems my fingerprints were rejected by the FBI. (I've lost track of how many times my fingerprints have been taken in the last six months!) So I went to re-do them last week and in the meantime I have had TWO phone calls wanting something in the line of business. Actually more than that I guess if you count the things I was working on before. So my prayer asking about the business seems to be answered.

I still don't know what to do about this house. It's far too big for one person, and my cousin will likely stay only until the end of October. I do not really want a roommate other than family. I think I am too private a person. So do I paint things, or get other furniture, or make big changes to the landscape or what? I don't know if I will stay here, and it seems foolish to spend money for things which may not work in the long run.

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