The Monday after Mother's Day. A sigh of relief. The letting go of held in breath. Of pinching yourself so you wouldn't cry. Of brave faces. Of broken hearts.Mother's Day is not the same for any of us from days past.How I treasure those early years of chubby fingers bringing me dandelions from the yard. Of hand-print poems framed for the occasion. Of clip on ties and crisp white shirts little boys wriggled in. Of bear hugs and wet kisses....more
The trees are mesmerizing this time of year. Actually, it's a little dangerous because while I'm driving I tend to want to gaze their way instead of the road! Today, on the way home from grocery shopping, I found myself wishing I could brake in the middle of the street. Glorious little leaves in a multitude of colors were twirling in unison on the asphalt dance floor. It lasted mere seconds but it's been my favorite joyful moment today!
Throughout the rest of the day, I've found myself soaking up the leaves each time I passed the window or stepped outside....more
When we lost Austin, there were a lot of comments from others that took me back. Some that made me downright angry. I don't believe that any of them were intentionally hurting me, in fact just the opposite. When the unimaginable happens, people grasp for words - anything - that will bring comfort. Sometimes they say the only thing that comes to mind, and because they've never experienced such a loss, they can't fathom how it might be perceived.
One comment that haunted me then, is healing for me now.
Someone mentioned then about my jo...more
There's a reason I don't normally sit on the back row at church. Unlike the popular expression, I'm more of a front-to-middle row Baptist.
I'm too distracted from the back. There's so much activity in a church service - and not just from the pulpit! Being a people watcher by nature, this does not help me pay attention to the message.
Sunday, I was saved by the fact that I attended both worship services. We left for Sunday school but after about two minutes I could tell from my husband's face he would not survive four hours. He's such a trooper a...more
Hubby's back surgery was a success. We checked into the hospital a little after 6:00 am and were on our way home before noon. Miracles of modern medicine...
The most difficult part of our healing journey now will be keeping Tim still and allowing his body to rest. No work for at least a month. Period. Even though he gently argued and attempted to persuade the doctor and nurse. No bending. twisting or lifting more than a gallon of milk. No sitting in a chair for more than 30 minutes at a time. Like a child, all Tim hears is, "No!...more
There was the smallest of gestures in our pew today that almost brought me to tears. Noah grabbed my hand, then his dad's, and connected our three hands on his lap. In an instant I was brought back nearly four years, to the beginning of our grief journey, shortly after losing Austin.
It was something Noah did often then; grab both his parents hands and force us to lock, placing his between and around. Solidity. Strength. A Family Bond.
Tim and I didn't necessarily drift apart in the loss, and in many ways it brought us closer, but there were wal...more
To My Son, Austin --
If you were here today, I'd wish you a Happy Birthday and tear up thinking how quickly you grew up. No more Momma's Little Blair Bear, but a young man.
If you were here today, I'd stand tiptoe to reach my arms around your neck and squeeze you back with one those famous Bear hugs you were known for....more
The hospital has been our second home the past few days. That hospital. The one where we learned Austin was gone. It' been nearly four years but it is still that hospital - and probably always will be. I hate it. The smell, the lights, that room. We had to walk past that room on Sunday.
I had to push away every screaming, crying fiber of my soul to focus on the "emergency" at hand because a big part of me wanted to slide into the floor and break. But a sweet little girl, who rarely complains, was in obvious pain. And ...more
You know the saying, "it's easier to forgive than forget?" Personally, I couldn't find that to be more true. Yet, if I'm honest with myself, I know you can't really forgive someone until you also decide to forget it. That's true forgiveness. But it's sometimes easier said than done....more
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