The Vacation Decision

Kir writes for shoes & cupcakes at http://www.thekircorner.com

The air was hot, not comfortable or even mildly warm.

Hot.

Oppressive and capable of stealing your thoughts.

 You should not think in a place like this. You could fantasize or daydream, but not make meaningful decisions. But the thing was,this was OUR place. We had chosen it over and over again for it's ability to heal us. It had comforted us through IUI's & months of Clomid that had left my sanity hanging in the balance.

Here we could live like fugitives of our infertile lives and contemplate our future plans for 8 glorious days in a sun and coconut oil soaked paradise. We were learning that even the worst moments of your life seemed muted and hazy in the Caribbean. It was our 5th trip, not long after I had sobbed on my bathroom floor grieving the news that my body had betrayed me once again.

Our 3rd year of trying to conceive was coming to a close and my faith was wearing very thin. Adding insult to injury,we were going home to resume plans on another dream.

A 4 bedroom colonial with a black shutters and a red front door that should have stirred images of family dinners and nightime tuck ins of children that would fill our life with laughter. Instead, in my mind all I could hear was silence and the sound of sad footsteps echoing through the floors of that house.

So I sat on that island and made a decision. We made a decision. I surrendered myself to the possibility of being given one more chance.

Suddenly it was clearer than it ever had been and while it hurt to say goodbye to one dream, I knew that we needed to in order to keep chasing another one. We just knew we had to. If we never gave the In Vitro process a try, we knew we would always live with the what if's of that decison or worse, we would move into that spectacular home with broken hearts that a fireplace and beautiful deck would never truly heal.

Today,we still live in a 3 bedroom townhome.

Yet now there is laughter and dreams coming true every day inside these walls.

We haven't been to Aruba since.

Yet our trips and adventures now bring me as much joy as those once had.

We used to wonder if we could live without children in our lives, if that choice would ever truly be ours.

Now, we don't have to and it's because we just knew we needed to keep trying.

The decison was always the right one, it will always be the reason that I can look at my complicated, chaotic and messy life and know that it's Enough.

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