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They’ve finally taken down the Christmas, Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa decorations. They’ve worked their way through the January sales. What’s left to drive us to the cash registers between now and the President’s weekend rush? Valentine's Day, of course! The shop windows are already filled with faux red roses, over-sized pink hearts, and floating white cupids that look remarkably like my little nephew. This all wouldn’t be a problem but for the guilt and anxiety it creates in most of the marriages I know - the pressure to be romantic and swoon with unadulterated passion can be just too much to bear, particularly for those of us into our third decade of wedded bliss.
When you’re first married, everything your snuggle-bunny does is adorable; everyday is Valentine’s Day. That is until you have to start negotiating the household chores and you want to go out with your friends while he’d rather stay home and watch yet another episode of CSI. Eventually you come up with a system of survival. If you do “X” for him, he’ll do “Y” for you. The system works and Valentine’s Day still comes around once a month or so. A few children, a mortgage, and a mini-van later and you’re lucky if you see it once a year. That’s why they call it a “holiday.” It’s a break from the routine of “if you drive Janey to soccer, I’ll take Billy to his music lesson, and who’s gonna take the dog to the vet and by the way your mother called.” But in many ways, this holiday is just another reminder that romantic love may have brought you together but it is the day-to-day journey that makes a marriage work. A few score years and it’s not about the high boil of romantic love, it’s about the low simmer of continuity and trust and commitment and loyalty and compassion and undying patience with a dash of good humor that is at the heart of true intimacy.
I’d like to abolish Valentine's Day, but unlike most of our Hallmark holidays, this one has a bit of history. It began as a pagan celebration of fertility and the growth of spring crops. The story goes that in the mid-400s, the Catholic Church decided to co-opt the pagan ritual and declared it a saint’s day in honor of a priest named Valentine. Apparently, he continued to wed soldiers despite a decree by Emperor Claudius II that no soldier be allowed to marry (something about single soldiers being more committed - sounds like something right out of the Bush/Cheney war doctrine but, I digress). So it moved from an homage to lust to a marital affirmation. It didn’t become a paean to romantic love until the Middle Ages when lust was abolished in lieu of courtly manners. In short, it was never and still is not a celebration of the hard-earned love of a long-term relationship. What a missed opportunity because as Mark Twain once said, “Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.”
I’ve never seen a card that says “To the slowest of growths” but if I did, I would buy out the lot and share it with all my long-married friends. Instead, I might just make a card this year. I will be sure to add: “P.S. Hey, thanks for sticking around.”
Melissa Chapman shares her thoughts on the lessons her young daughter is learning about love.
“Le Love” blogs about love and has written a moving poem about what she learned of love from her father called “Dear Dad.
Marriage isn’t the answer for all of us. Just ask those at the Alternatives to Marriage Project who advocate for support of those in relationships that aren't status quo.
Marriage might not be the answer but they have some beautiful thoughts on love.
It’s still a month away, but for those of us in long-term relationships, Happy Sticking It Out Together Day.
