The value of family dinners and giving our children presence
by Amy Gates

What if there was one thing you could do to lessen the likelihood that your child would get involved with smoking, drinking or doing drugs; lessen his/her chance of developing obesity; and help him/her do better in school? What if that thing was as simple as having regular family dinners together?

Sept. 22 is Family DayMonday, Sept. 22, marks the 8th annual Family Day - A Day to Eat Dinner with Your Children - "a national movement to inform parents that the parental engagement fostered during frequent family dinners is an effective tool to help keep America’s kids substance free."

From 2003 to 2008 research by The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA) at Columbia University has consistently found that "compared to children who have frequent family dinners (five or more per week), children who have infrequent family dinners (less than three per week) are two and a half times likelier to have used marijuana and tobacco and one and a half times likelier to have drunk alcohol."

At Family Guide: Keeping Youth Mentally Healthy and Drug Free, they also believe in the importance of family mealtimes. Jeanie Lerche Davis of WebMD agrees that family dinners are important and lists 10 Benefits of Family Dinners, including "kids are less likely to become overweight or obese" and "school grades will be better," as well as 10 Tips for Organizing Family Dinners.

Pretty impressive for just eating a meal together, right? I think most people would agree that it's not simply the act of eating together, but of engaging in conversation - in talking to your children and listening to them talk to you - that really what makes the difference. Dinner just happens to be that one time of day that busy families might have an opportunity to sit down and spend a few minutes with each other.

Some of CASA's secrets to having successful family dinners include:

  • start the pattern of eating dinner together while children are young
  • turn off the TV and avoid taking phone calls during dinner time
  • encourage kids to get involved in meal planning and preparation
  • discuss what happened during everyone's day
  • keep it positive and make sure everyone gets a chance to speak.

Gina from A Wrestling Addicted Mommy's Blog recalls that growing up, she and her family used to have dinner and talk about their day, but admits now with her own family, this is something they are lacking. She also points out a recent survey from Mom Central that said 98% of the mom’s polled think that children do benefit from eating meals at the table with the families, but only 61% of families actually do this every day.

The blogger at All Rileyed Up also recalls family dinners while she was growing up (complete with grace before meals, grace after meals, and on Sunday, the whole rosary) says, "Family dinners are much harder to pull off these days, now that I’m the one running the family, partly because Husband’s work schedule is erratic and partly because I am a lazy bum. ... For a while, it wasn’t a big deal to me, but now that the kids are getting older, I feel a need to give them something to remember, a time the whole family can count on being together."

I find it fairly easy to have dinner with my family every night, but that's because a) (thankfully) my husband is able to get home from work at a decent hour and b) my children are still young and not involved in after-school programs, sports, nor do they have homework or jobs to go to. I imagine it will prove to get more and more challenging as my kids get older, but I think it is something worth striving for and we will do the best that we can.

Do you have regular family dinners with your child(ren)? If so, will you make an effort to continue that throughout the teenage years? If not, will you make it a priority on Sept. 22 and/or consider trying to do it more often?

October is AP MonthAlong the same lines and in keeping with the spirit of spending family time together, Attachment Parenting International has declared October Attachment Parenting Month, where the theme is "Giving Our Children Presence." Partnering with Attachment Parenting International to celebrate and promote Attachment Parenting Month are AskDrSears.com, Mothering magazine, and Infant Massage USA.

Julie, an API leader who blogs at ChezArtz, explains that the theme "focuses on the benefits of spending quality time with our children, especially in the run up to the very consumer-oriented holiday season. Although all children love toys, it is our presence, not presents, that they truly crave."

Scylla at Law and Motherhood notes some of the ways she tries to keep her family connected like not having a DVD player in her car and bringing her children into the kitchen to help with cooking, but also admits its not always easy to remain present in their lives. She asks her readers, "how you give your presence to your children, when you are too worn out to be present for anyone else?" After all, we as parents all find ourselves in those situations, sometimes on a regular basis.

API Speaks, the blog of Attachment Parenting International, will be holding a blog carnival focusing on "giving our children presence," complete with giveaways, during the month of October.

While I know not everyone agrees with attachment parenting being the best fit for their family, I think we can all agree that giving our children our presence is an invaluable gift and something so important especially in today's world. As October approaches, I will be considering how I might be more present in my children's lives and I encourage you to do the same. It's often the little things - taking a few minutes to read a book, build a blanket fort, go for a walk together, have dinner together while you talk and especially listen - that mean the world to a child.

You can learn more about AP Month, including events that will be taking place around the country, at Attachment Parenting Month.

What will you do to give your child(ren) your presence in October?

-----------------------------------
Contributing editor Amy Gates blogs about green living, attachment parenting, activism and photography at Crunchy Domestic Goddess.

Submitted by Amy Gates (view blog) on Thu, 09/18/2008 - 17:00

Comments

 

So important!

Family dinners are so important! We make each meal a family night. Our kids are younger and do not have obligations like sports games, etc . . . so it has been easy up to this point. Unless my husband works late, we all sit down around the table. We talk about our day, share stories, etc . . .We give the girls turns to speak. We ask them questions. I once interviewed a lady who wrote a book of questions that you can ask at dinner time. I'll see if I can find the book easily and post that information on here-it was really a great book, and we have it and are saving it until the girls are a bit older. You are right, it is important to connect to your children. Dinner is a great time to do it. 

Kathy

Mama Marathoner

Allbusiness:Working Mothers

Submitted by Kathy333 on Thu, 09/18/2008 - 14:11
 

Kathy,  That's great! I'd

Kathy, 

That's great! I'd love if if you could share the book title. Thanks. :) There are a lot of resources online as well re: topics to discuss, questions to ask during family dinners too. 

Amy

Crunchy Domestic Goddess

BlogHers Act contributing editor

Submitted by Amy Gates on Thu, 09/18/2008 - 16:46
 

Trying my best, but not perfect

Dinner together every night. Family breakfast on weekends. Weekly family trips to near and far places. Turning time in the car into a time to talk and connect, especially when I pick them up from school. Reading together every night.

Other than that, and especially during the afternoon when I'm trying to get more work done (at the computer or around the house), I often feel that I'm too preoccupied with my own stuff and am NOT present enough.
---

I blog at MomGrind

I manage my kids' activities at UpToUs

Submitted by Vered on Thu, 09/18/2008 - 16:56
 

Great Post

Happy to see Mom Central mentioned, since I'm the "Health Mom" there.  I posted on this when the data came out a few weeks ago.  Here's a short out-take:

In my practice caring for teen girls, I've seen that it's more than just sharing a meal. As most parents can attest, a teenager's mood mimics a theme park roller coaster ride. One minute they're happy, talkative and engaging, and the next they're barely concealing their contempt, boredom and may be rolling their eyes as they struggle to sit at the table just long enough to eat.

What I know about teens, especially girls, is that we need to be there for them through all of it. The Good, Bad, and the Ugly. Family meal time is an anchor for them, it's a time and a place that's stable for them in their constantly changing world. Even if you're not talking to your teen during dinner, just being together communicates that you love and care for them.  

I've been in practice long enough to know these same difficult teens and watch them blossom into fantastic young women and mothers.  I've asked them about the obligatory family meals.  So many said, that even when they felt miserable and when they were at their worst, these meals were an important reminder that people cared.

You can see more at www.NurseBarb.com 

Be well,

Nurse Barb 

Submitted by NurseBarb on Thu, 09/18/2008 - 17:17
 

Eating is Learned Behavior

I haven given talks on meal planning for various MOPS groups around here and I'm amazed at how many moms, who are mostly stay-at-home moms, struggle with getting dinner done. Many had careers before kids and never learned to cook. Many don't like to cook, but when you have a family, they need to eat, just like they need clean clothes.

I love to cook, but as my kids have gotten older and now that I'm back to work PT, getting dinner made has become more challenging. My husband travels a lot too. We get about 3-4 meals together a week between kids' activities, my older son's job and my husband's travel.

Aside from learning to eat a variety of foods and learning about manners (I don't allow complaints about food) we learn about each other through conversation. But I don't want to give the impression that every meal is a happy meal. We've had plenty of meltdowns, both adult and child, at the table.

In Europe they take a long time to eat their meals, it's a beautiful ritual. They don't have the obesity rate that we do either. I have to believe there's a connection between the two.

Dawn Maria

Method to the Madness
http://www.dawnmaria.com

Submitted by DawnMaria on Thu, 09/18/2008 - 18:46
 

Got it!

The book is called "Food for Talk" and the author is Julienne Smith. I met her at a NAWBO meeting about a year ago, and I posted this blog about her book-you can check it out for some information about what the book contains. Very interesting and great for those dinners when you are so tired you can't think (which is most of ours around here these days lol)!

 

Kathy

Mama Marathoner

Allbusiness:Working Mothers

Submitted by Kathy333 on Thu, 09/18/2008 - 19:18
 

Family dinner in front of the TV

When my kids were a little older, we did have family dinners, but many were spent watching the evening news.  Although I know watching TV while eating dinner is discouraged, for us, it worked.  The news brought out discussions that were otherwise considered taboo, like crime, rape, local weather, etc, which often times lead to lively discussions.

Oh, the traditional conversations about how your day went, what you and your friends are doing, were definately part of the equations, but I learned and taught many ideas during those family dinners while watching the news.

Iowa Avenue

Submitted by IAAdmin on Fri, 09/19/2008 - 05:00
 

Am I doing it wrong?

 We have family dinners 5-6 nights a week, but they are FAR from harmonious!  Between an 11 yr old fighting with her 8 yrd old sister, a toddler and general mealtime/meltdown craziness, the intelligent conversation and daily check in does not flow.  Not to mention that I can't remember having an uninterrupted conversation with my husband.

We are so far removed from mealtime harmony that I have put a sign in my dinig room : "The Road to Civilization is LONG and Tedious." 

I'm sticking with it, though, no matter how much therapy they will all need after the "family dinner experience". 

http://nakedanarchists.wordpress.com

Submitted by nakedanarchists on Fri, 09/19/2008 - 05:11
 

What's that?

"Not to mention that I can't remember having an uninterrupted conversation with my husband."

What is that uninterrupted converstation thing you speak of? ;oP

Um yeah, they don't happen often around here either, at least not until after the kids are asleep.  

Amy

Crunchy Domestic Goddess

BlogHers Act contributing editor

Submitted by Amy Gates on Fri, 09/19/2008 - 07:27
 

LOL You are NOT alone!

Most dinners consist of us sitting down, the toddler plowing through her meal, and then asking if she can get up and play. We insist she remains and talk for a few minutes. She tells us about her day and then we let her go. Then the baby wants down because her sister is down. Or the baby screams for the condiments, no matter how much we have already given her.

So, you are definitely not alone! I just keep thinking if we make this a habit then one day when they are a bit older it will click, and work.

My husband and I don't really have a full conversation until after the girls leave the table!

Kathy

Mama Marathoner

Allbusiness:Working Mothers

Submitted by Kathy333 on Fri, 09/19/2008 - 06:32
 

alternatives exist

While having dinner together is the ideal, when kids are teenagers often after school sports and other activities interfere. The objective of the family meal can be achieved in other ways...  a parent can schedule regular one-on-one time with each teen by going out for coffee on Saturday mornings;turning the radio off in the car; making a ritual of a cup of tea at 9pm each evening...the point is to carve out time where families can just hang, be together and allow natural conversation to emerge. Even crabby teens who are appearing to give signals that they don't want parents around much need to know they are wanted and that parents will make time for them. 

 

 

Sue Blaney

www.PleaseStoptheRollercoaster.com

www.ParentingTeensInfo.com

Submitted by sueblaney on Fri, 09/19/2008 - 07:39
 

yeah I think it is just about making yourself
and the whole

family dynamic available.   I make sure no matter how preoccupied I am..to give my full attention to the kids when they are bustin to talk about something.

We also try to do as much as family...walking home from school....watching a fave show together...anything. 

 

 

Look for me at http://crunchycarpets.com or check out the ladies at www.wetcoastwomen.com

Submitted by Crunchy Carpets on Fri, 09/19/2008 - 08:19
 

great point

Excellent point, Sue. Thanks for giving those other examples of ways to spend quality time with your kids. :)

Amy
Crunchy Domestic Goddess

BlogHers Act contributing editor

Submitted by Amy Gates on Fri, 09/19/2008 - 07:41
 

Misery like company

Not that I wish anyone poorly, but I am laughing at others' commiserating about the plight at the table!  Our conversations mostly center around the fare:  too many "chunky" foods, "you know I don't like this", "eating with elbows on the table makes it go down easier when I'm tired", "If I actually eat this, do I get dessert?", "other families get to eat pizza," and my favorite: "if only we would buy a microwave like normal people, maybe your cooking would be better."

Writing this has inpired me to get takeout tonight :-)

http://nakedanarchists.wordpress.com

Submitted by nakedanarchists on Fri, 09/19/2008 - 08:14
 

Unappetizing Company

I remember being much better behaved than my own children are. Of course, my siblings and I lived in fear of my father, so I'm happy my kids feel safe enough to act like themselves. But, oh, what I'd give to get through a meal without disgusting sounds or constant bickering! I do buy into the idea of dining together. We do it so often, however, that we're going to dine alone Monday night. ;)

Submitted by Patois on Sat, 09/20/2008 - 07:44
 

Unappetizing Company

I remember being much better behaved than my own children are. Of course, my siblings and I lived in fear of my father, so I'm happy my kids feel safe enough to act like themselves. But, oh, what I'd give to get through a meal without disgusting sounds or constant bickering! I do buy into the idea of dining together. We do it so often, however, that we're going to dine alone Monday night. ;)

Submitted by Patois on Sat, 09/20/2008 - 07:45
 

What's Your Favorite Part?

I have fond memories of my 2 brothers and I sitting around the table as close to nightly as possible with my parents, talking about our days, our frustrations and wins, have casual conversation and act goofy.

As a parent myself now, I have a newfound respect for how hard it was for my parents to consistently create those memories! My husband and I try our best to do the same and keep the tradition alive.

I see that I am making a difference when my 3 year old feels comfortable initiating conversation. "What was your favorite part of the day, Mama?" he asked me over veggie soup and cornbread this evening. A question that we often ask him through the course of an evening meal. We talked easily about our days and connected. With any luck, we'll be doing the same through his childhood and teen years and he won't have to think about things to say to his parents because he's been having conversations around the dinner table for as long as he can remember.

Submitted by JessSanders on Mon, 10/06/2008 - 18:47
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