- Share This Post
- submit
- 1
-
Sparkle (0)
Right now, if you're living in America, you're probably on your way to a Thanksgiving dinner. Or maybe you're chewing a bite of turkey. Or you've holed yourself in the guest bedroom so you can read some blogs rather than socialize with your cousins. Because this is a universal truth: family-oriented holidays are hard when you've run into a wall with family building. And this is true for the multitude of holidays stretching from Thanksgiving (Canadian or American) to New Years.
It starts with the fact that holidays make us think about family. It makes us notice who isn't at the table and we think about how we thought the holiday pictures would look, namely, the child we thought we'd be holding. We've mentally dressed our future child in holiday clothes and considered the set-up of the snapshot. We've mentally noted the faces of everyone in our family as they hold our not-yet child, the way they beam at the newest member.
And secondly, holidays bring us together with family; family who is well-meaning, but lean on the standard catching-up questions concerning jobs, relationships, and family building. Without being there for your day-to-day existence, they have no idea how much these questions are salt in the wound. Other family members may arrive pregnant or toting young children, and it can be emotionally painful to sit in a room with small children even if you also love those small family members.
Stacey's Thoughts on Infertility poignantly gets to the heart of the matter:
Lately I've noticed that it's getting harder and harder to conjure up those same old feelings of joy for holidays. I think with each passing year, the emptiness in my heart and in my home become harder to ignore. Certainly there is joy and happiness and love in my heart and in my home. My husband and I are very happy with our marriage and in our little family of two. But there is a huge, unfulfilled desire that neither of us can ignore. We want children. We want to be parents. There is a void there for us both. There is an empty place in both of our hearts and in our home where our children should be. The holidays remind me of this.
I've Got New For You is also struggling with Thanksgiving, and writes, "I honestly don’t know that I can do this. I don’t know that I can go to this house and listen to the, what I’m sure will be incessant, talk of my SIL’s pregnancy. I don’t think I can put on a happy face and pretend to be excited for them when the abyss of sadness goes with me everywhere. I don’t think I can fake it all afternoon and evening."
So what's an infertile person to do to get through the holidays?
Quips and Tips for Couples Coping with Infertility has a post on surviving Thanksgiving.
I'll offer up the same advice I gave last year with additional notes from comments that came on that old post:
- Create your own incentives and treat getting through the holiday season as your job. Pay yourself in whatever will make you happy. For instance, after a trip to the local mall to have your picture taken with your niece and Santa, pay yourself with a manicure. Attending the holiday party from hell may win you an entire bar of chocolate. It’s worth setting up small incentives and budgeting for your own happiness because it can be something to focus on during the task at hand.
- You know the idea that you can take a large school and make it small but you can’t go the other way around? Flip that concept when it comes to the holidays: take a small part of the holiday and make it big. Focus on something that you can do and make it your contribution to the holiday season. If you know celebrating Christmas will be too much, make sure you throw yourself wholeheartedly into helping prepare Thanksgiving (and then develop an unfortunate case of the stomach flu on December 24th). If you can organize the family gift but can’t fathom how you’ll do Christmas dinner, make sure you send out an email to your siblings early asking for photos of your nieces and nephews so you can design a great picture calendar for your parents. And then skip the ham.
- Do all your shopping online instead of subjecting yourself to walking past the displays
