SPONSORED BY:
The Decision to Give Up an Adopted Child: An Adoptee's Take
by lainadLike many other people, I was mildly horrified at the thought of a woman who would take the responsibility of taking care of a child, and then when times got tough, abandon the child. But unlike many others, the first thought that didn't come to mind was "monster."
Anita Tedaldi's husband was perfectly rational in his reluctance to have his wife tell their story to a high-profile television network and to have it posted on the Today website. He knew that while the family might have made the right decision for them, many who have not either faced the same situation would judge. And oh boy, we did.
We judge because we are under the delusion that love conquers all, that if we love hard enough, it will quell all the harsh and difficult realities we face: What happens if we have a hard time bonding with a child? What happens when the child, who does not have the same ethno-cultural background as us, comes to us with questions we do not know how to answer?
While I'm still not that comfortable with Tedaldi's decision, in the long run, she did that child a huge favor. As an adoptee, a black woman who was raised by a white family, I have been on the receiving end of bonding difficulties, of cultural confusion and the harsh reality that even though you might be legally bound to your family members, the fact that you are not their 'blood' makes a huge difference.
First, I have to say that I love my parents. My parents, despite their confusion with my penchant for metal music culture, tattoos and my lack of desire to get married, love me. I have always been very opinionated and very fervent in my political beliefs and even though every time my dad and I get together we can talk about politics for hours and hours, there is a distance.
I love spending time with my mom, and even though I am going to be 40 this year, I am still in awe about how much I love spending time getting to know her - not as "Mommy," which I still call her - but as a woman. A woman who adopted two black children before she was 30. A woman whom I believe, made a big mistake.
They always went out of their way to make me and my older sister, who is biracial and was adopted a couple of years before me, their daughters. Despite having two boys of their own, and when I was ten, a little sister, they made us feel like we were their 'own.' But the distance was always there.
I do not have a relationship with my extended family on either side. They never made me or my older sister feel like we were part of the family. When I was about eleven, my grandfather, my dad's father, called us 'savages.' When I was thirteen, an uncle told my parents that they should have never adopted me and that I was never to step into his house again. I never spoke to either of them again. My grandpa died about 15 years ago and I couldn't even cry at his funeral. I have another uncle whom I realized a couple of months ago, I had never even had a conversation with. He has never directly spoken to me.
My parents never defended me. They never spoke up for me or my sister. They never considered the environment in which we grew up in, which was in a rural environment in Eastern Ontario, Canada with neighbors who hated us - partly because my parents had more money than they did, partly because my parents were not riddled with alcohol problems and were together, but also because they had two black kids.
They never encouraged us to question or to fight back when we were called racial epithets, or school 'friends' who told us that their parents did not want me in their house, or when we couldn't be friends anymore, had things thrown at us / beaten up at school, racist teachers that dismissed me as 'slow' and encouraged my parents to put me in a Special Education class. I wasn't slow, but it took until I was in my twenties, applied and got accepted into University to prove them - and myself - otherwise. I also learned at a very early age - five, I believe - that my parents were incapable of helping me. That I had to learn how to defend myself.
So no, love is not enough.
You can love a child and bring a child into your home, but you have to realize your weaknesses. I believe that the Tedaldi's family thought that love was enough - they could get past the emotional incapability the child had by being abandoned on the side of the road, but they couldn't. They thought that there would be no resentment from their children from bringing a child into their home, a child from another culture, but it didn't happen. Again, I'm a grown-ass woman and I wonder if my older brothers, both whom I have had a good relationship with, resent me and my sister.
Because I write about Race & Ethnicity for BlogHer, I'm going to riff on the race factor. I had a conversation with a lovely woman last weekend who is also a Trans-racial adoptee, and I admitted that while I genuinely love my parents, I did not think that white people should adopt non-white children. Because......
Love is not enough.
We live in a society where as much as we would like to be deluded that it doesn't, race is a factor in our everyday interactions with people. I've had people on BlogHer try to tear me a 'new one,' try to tell me that I am racist because I will not hesitate in pointing this fact out to them. Besides, having somewhat supportive, eccentric and funny as hell parents, I have learned that while they love me......
They do not know me.
Unless you have walked in a person's shoes, you cannot understand what happens to them when they walk out of your house every morning. Love is not going to ease the pain that your child feels because their parents do not look like them, and cannot understand them. Love, while yes, provides a good home, food on the table and an opportunity to discover things in life that had they not been adopted, most likely they would have never experienced, is not enough.
My childhood is a contradiction. I remember playing with my eldest brother, who went out of his way to create games and stories to keep me and my other siblings occupied while my mom needed some time to herself. I remember the cross-country car trips across Canada we used to take as a family. I remember my grandmother teaching me how to bake bread and when she babysat us, and every afternoon we would have an English 'tea' like she used to have as a child growing up in London. I cherish those times, and I am lucky to have them.
But the pain from my childhood is what I remember the most. Not because I want to, but because it has impacted the most vulnerable, emotional parts of my adult life. I feel alone, even though I have tons of cousins, nieces and nephews. My nieces and nephews look at me with their big blue and green eyes and their blond hair, treat me as though.... even though on paper I am supposed to be related to them, they know, and I know, that we are not.
I do not trust people, I do not really love anyone. I cannot commit to even buying a carpet, for goodness sake, thinking that it will suddenly be taken away from me. Or even worse, it will abandon me.
That, despite my guilt for writing this - why I cry while writing this - is why I think that even though we might judge the Tedaldi's decision, perhaps it was the right one for them. Life is not fair, especially for the sweet boy D, but also for his parents. And perhaps they learned that despite what society tells us, love isn't enough.
Related Topics
BlogHer Conferences
- Home
- About Us
- BlogHer Community
- Conferences
- BlogHer Network
- Special Offers
- Contact Us
Follow us on Twitter:
@blogher @bloghersupport @blogherdeals
Become a Facebook Fan
© Copyright 2009 BlogHer | Terms of Service
Comments
Laina, thank you for this post
Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder
Surfette
BlogHer is non-partisan but our bloggers aren't! Follow our coverage of Politics & News.
An amazingly powerful and
An amazingly powerful and emotional post, Laina. Thank you for letting us see into your world.
Venting about infertility since 2006 www.stirrup-queens.com and we're not talkin' cowgirls...
I can't help but wonder
I know that your parents couldn't control everybody's actions when you were growing up. But I can't help but wonder why they didn't take control when and where they could. Amongst the family, in particular. I think if they would have, you might have different feelings today. I'm not trying to bash your parents, but I think it's apparent that you didn't get your strength from them.
And welcome to 40. It's a whole new ballgame.
Christine
http://raisedqueer.squarespace.com
I think it is brave and open
I think it is brave and open of you to put this post into the world. I think most adopted children feel a little displaced inside of their families and know that their adopted parents are trying to bond with them. my husband was adopted, and as a child, felt like he was put in his family by aliens that were using him to collect data.
That said, i hope that our culture is moving forward and making it easier for mixed race families adopted or not.
oh, this one got to me
I've been called racists because my husband and I chose to adopt a baby who was white and of similar ethnic background as us. I have wondered if I was, in fact, racists because of this choice.
But, it wasn't about who I was capable of loving. I would have loved any child that I was lucky enough to mother. Race would not have mattered. But, it does matter. It has to matter.
Love is not enough. I did not know if I was capable of giving a child of another race what they needed. What if I had adopted a black son? Would I know what to do or say when he came home and told me he was pulled over for driving the family car in the wealthy suburb of our town? Racism exists everywhere. Would I, a white women, have the right tools to help my children really face it not having experienced it myself. We do not live somewhere that is that ethically diverse. Would I have had family members that would have said terrible, hurtful things? I don't know.
Still, I don't think I can unequivocally say that white couples should not be able to adopt children of other races. I think it has to be an individual choice. I've seen many mult-racial family that work. Of course they do!
As for adoption issues...Even now, I know that my son will probably face his own issues of identity simply because he was born in another woman's body. He has a half sibling that she carried and parented a year after he was born. I worry about how I will explain all these things to him. I worry about the ache. All I can do is try to work through the complex relationship we have with his biological mother in the hopes that we will all work together to make him feel whole.
Thank you for this amazing post.
Peace,
Kelly
http://www.ordinaryartblog.com
amazing post
I'm just so glad to hear your voice in this issue.
Politics & News Contributing Editor Queen of Spain
I think this was a wonderful
I think this was a wonderful post, all the more so because it was obviously personal and difficult for you to write about. But while I was reading it I kept thinking about my mother. My mother wasn't adopted, her parents got married around the time of World War II but by the end of the war they were divorced. After that my grandmother and mother moved back to live with my grandmother's family.
My grandmother was a bit of a party girl and having a child, I suspect, crimped her style. She'd tell my mother that they were going to visit a relative and once they were there she'd send my mom outside to play. When my mom came back inside, she would inevitably find her mother gone - sometimes she'd be gone for hours, sometimes she'd be gone for days, sometimes for weeks. It got to the point that, by the time my mother was six, every time they'd leave the house my mom would ask her mother whether or not she was going to leave her. My mother and grandmother never had an easy relationship - even right up to the time before my grandmother's death, she'd call my mother up to tell her how my mother's being born ruined her life.
My grandfather got remarried and had two other kids. Although my mother loved her father and he loved her, he wasn't really there for her and her half brother and sister made it clear that she was not welcome.
So the not feeling part of the family, not trusting people, the perpetual fear of abandonment...yup, sounds like someone I know and love. My mother's relationship with her family had a big impact on her relationship with me, although I didn't know it until I grew up and learned a bit more about my family history. When I was a kid I really resented her because, although she loved me, she didn't know me...she couldn't, she was too busy fighting the ghosts of her past, while working a full time job and trying to raise a family. And I'm sure the fact that I was so unlike her made the situation doubly hard. We are lucky, we've both gotten the chance to discover each other as adults and we've both worked hard at that so that we're now close (most of the time)...but not everyone gets to do that.
I guess my point is that, by writing this, I suspect you will find out that you are not alone. That this is a subject and that yours are feelings that cut across races and family situations. The older I get the more I begin to suspect the majority of families out there aren't the Norman Rockwell pictures that most people imagine. They are families like yours and like mine - flawed and sometimes painful. My mother always says "it's a shame that kids don't come with instruction manuals, then parents would know what they're signing up for when they welcome a child into their lives." But there are no guarantees when you have kids, whether you adopt them or whether they are born to you...no guarantees that you will like them, love them, or feel a connection to them (or they to you), no matter how much society or your own conscience tells you that you should. And how you deal with THAT...honey, I wish I knew.
Good luck to you, lainad.
thank you
Laina, I, too, appreciate your openness in allowing us a glimpse into your life and the events which have shaped you and brought you to this point.
I feel like this is a little bit off topic (has nothing to do with the Tedaldi story...), but I am curious (maybe for a future post?) if you know any transracial adoptees who are now adults and feel that they had a optimal experience. Transracial adoption is more common now than when we were growing up, and along with that I think there's a greater level of support available to families and a better understanding of cultural and racial identity and the role it plays in development.
I guess my point is that I worry "white people should not adopt non-white children" is a very broad brush, you know? I hear and respect your experience. I do. And I don't think anyone with even half a brain would deny that adoption is complicated, and transracial adoption even moreso. But do you really believe it cannot work, ever? That's the part where I worry that your very valid point of view shifts from "learn from my experience" to "let's throw out the baby with the bathwater." At that point, the flow of communication can break down and points can be lost.
-- Mir Kamin (BlogHer contributing editor) Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda Having it all with less: Want Not
Being an ally
Laina thanks for this deep and detailed post. My family explicitly threw me out a couple of times and a lot of what you say resonates with me on that level. I'm 40 and I still think a lot about my expectations of people just not being there for me. It certainly has a life long effect on my other relationships.
Mir, I think some of that situation in mixed race families might be improved if parents approach their job as anti racist allies work to be allies. In other words white parents of kids of color might do well to take race and racism seriously, educate themselves on a lot of fronts, and learn ways to support and defend their kids - adopted or not. Including having some fierce discussions with one's own extended family about what behavior is acceptable to one's children and defending them against callousness, racist remarks, and being ignored or not treated with love and respect.
-----------------
Liz Henry
Composite: Tech & Poetics
lizzard@bookmaniac.net
Prejudice and judgments leave lasting impacts
My heart hurts to read about the ignorance, rejection and pain you've experienced. My mind boggles that people can be so cruel and judgmental. If there's one thing humans do better than just about anything else, sadly, it's judge -- and usually with impunity and ignorance.
Thank you, Laina, for sharing so openly and honestly. You've provided a level of insight that I'm sure will help others understand that there is no such thing as "just adopting," and that despite good intentions sometimes things don't work out as nicely and neatly as others assume they should or will.
Pamela Tsigdinos
Coming2Terms
Silent Sorority
Thank you for this
I had the chance, years ago, to opt-in to an adoption where mental illness may have been a factor. One voice would tell me, "Love is enough!" and the other would say, "Are you REALLY up for what may come?"
Although we decided not to opt in and I have nearly stopped asking "what if," you have shown me another view. The one that it was OK to give that second voice more weight.
Weebles Wobblog ... mindful living amid chaos.
Examiner for Open Adoption
All Thumbs Reviews ... get your sass on.
@BestLight on Twitter
Breathtaking
Your brutal honesty was almost more than I could bear. I am awe struck..
I think that anyone considering adoption (that is truly being honest with themselves) fears the bond will never happen. People go into it wanting to create a loving family but (you are so correct) love is not enough. Adoption (via domestic, international or foster care) is not always warm and fuzzy, with happily ever afters. There are failed placements that destroy families.. something I don't think the general public has had much exposure to.
In my humble, little o, those who are casting stones had better pick them up, pocket them and head on home.
I hope this writing in some way helps you in your journey because I can honestly say, it has affected mine. Such a huge eye opener (as an adoptee and also as someone who is fostering to adopt) and a solid dose of reality.
Humbly,
Melissa
Full Circle
SO true Laina. love is not
SO true Laina. love is not enough and i think we have to keep saying that until people get it. i'm totally with you on this...
What would have been enough?
Fantastic post. Thank you for this.
How old were you and your sister when your parents adopted you? Does the age make a difference? Does the abondonment you fear from .. well everything, including carpets (sigh).. come from your earliest years? from the rejection of that racist extended family? or from all of it?
Would adoption by a black family, still not your 'blood', have made the difference? Or just been better? Thank you for sharing so openly. I am glad you enjoy your mother as the two of you grow older.
Perfect Moment Project
Thank You
Add my voice to the chorus, Laina. This post is honest and beautiful and made me cry reading it. Thank you for writing through your guilt and pain and sharing your truth with us.
BlogHer Contributing Editor PopConsumer Beyond Help
Empathy and understanding the others pain
You are an extremely articulate and remarkably insightful woman Laina..This a brave act by sharing your truth and so entirely heart felt... I am compelled to agree there is no value in judging others actions in fact it is properly best in the long term to know one does NOT have the ability to care for another.. and brave on their part to even discuss the matter in a public way... We all can only offer what we have .. Empathy is a very fundamental part of this issue ..
Keep on living your truth Laina
Thank you for such an honest post.
I can't imagine being surrounded by people who were supposed to be my family but who did not truly claim me. I am not adopted and have the same race and Caribbean cultural heritage of my biological parents. I will share that both my parents divorced and remarried. My mother to an African American. My father to a white English woman. I never bonded with my African American step-father. He has sons who I would not know today if we came face to face. He slipped in and out of my life as effortlessly as he slipped in and out of my mother's house before she finally divorced him. My white English step-mother, however, claimed me as her own. To her family, to her friends and in her workplace, I am her daughter. She has no idea what it is like to live as a black Caribbean woman. I have no idea what it is like to grow up a poor white Irish woman in England, yet we have bonded. There are many parts to all of us. Race, nationality, culture, class, sexual identity, I could go on and on. Parents and children are often on different sides of these words. (My biological mother and I could give speeches on the conflicts immigrant parents have with the children they have brought to and are raising in America). Like I said, I am not adopted so there is a world of experience I don't have. However, I don't think race and cultural differences should stop a family from adopting a child for whom they have fallen in love and for whom they are truly prepared.
Spend Wisely Texas
Move To Houston Answers
Thank you
Thank you for sharing this story. It really touched my heart.
I'm an adoptive mom and I have to say that this news story upset me to no end when I heard it. Children are not shoes. Returning them because they don't "fit"? If she had given birth to the child would she have tried to give him up too?
I guess in some ways that child is lucky to not have to grow up with a mother who can't deal less than perfect. however I feel so badly for this little baby. I hope he has a wonderful full life with the family who now brings him into their home.
If Evolution Really Works
Sometimes people don't
Sometimes people don't connect ... even people who have all the help biology can give them.
http://www.blogher.com/blog/she-who
Thanks Everyone
My apologies for not responding. I wanted to take a day away before I started to respond.
First, I think that the age you adopt has some bearing. I was six months and my sister was around two, I believe, when we were adopted. I don't want to put my sister's business out there more than I already have ( she doesn't even know I write for this site as I haven't spoken to her in years) but in my observations, she had a very difficult time bonding. There were other reasons for this, but I think that age had a factor. I think I was luckier because I was younger.
And while my situation is centered around trans-racial / cultual adoption, from the people that I have talked to, the situation can be the same for adoptees who were adopted into families of the same culture / ethncity. I worked with this woman (white) who was adopted as a baby, and when she was suffering from the usual pre-teen angst, her parents sent her back to the Children's Aids society because they didn't 'want her' anymore. She spent the rest of teenage years in various foster homes. If "dysfunctional" is in the dictionary, her picture should be in the definition. She really had a lot of 'issues' - suicide attempts, drugs, alcohol, sexual issues, etc. and she while she reached out to her adoptive family as an adult, their relationship was really, realy screwed up. She said quite plainly that it was because of the abandonment she had faced.
All parents can do is be honest and open. I know that some have had issues with the 'love is not enough' and I think that there are no guarantees with adoption. Just be real and really think about why you want to bring a child into your family, think about the environment you are planning to raise them in and what your extended family thinks. It plays a HUGE part in bonding, but I find that people don't really consider these issues.
As for my statement about not beleiving that white families should adopt non-white children....look, do you know how difficult it is to write that? I think that all kids deserve a loving home, regardless of ethnicity, etc. BUT you have to weigh the pros and cons: Food on the table, a chance for education and a family unit, versus being completely confused, resentful, and struggling with your identity for the rest of your life.
I really don't know what my life would have been if I was not adopted into a white family. I really lucked out because my parents are incredibly unique people. I was taught values and life lessons from them and picked up various personality traits - my dad's love for travelling and music; my mother's beliefs on feminism, etc that are ingrained in me. But I really struggle to find my place in my adult life but I also feel guilty for throwing them under the bus! My 'struggle' has really caused me to make some very bad decisions and really screwed up my self-worth. I can't really say that if I hadn't experienced some of the things I did when I was younger, if I would have these issues that with every passing year, I realize how these experiences have really messed up my life and my viewpoint (minus race relations, that is).
Thanks again for all of your comments!
Contributing Editor - Race, Ethnicity & Culture
Blog: Writing is Fighting: www.lainad.typepad.com
Writer: Consequence of Sound:
Have you ever had this
Have you ever had this conversation with your parents? Asked them why they didn't stand up for you and told them how much it would have meant to you if they had?
If you haven't, you may want to consider it - hard though it might be to talk about for both you and them. And if you don't feel comfortable talking about it, maybe you could write them a letter (or email or whatever) explaining how you feel, what your experiences were like growing up, etc. I know that the biggest improvement in my relationship with my mom came after I started a blog. She is very much of a talker, which I am not. I am very much a writer, which she is not - so we had some real problems communicating with each other and understanding each other's perspectives. Writing the blog allowed me to express myself better than I ever could in a conversation with her and allowed her to really "hear" me in a way that she never could before, because it forced her to read, think about, and THEN respond to me.
Anyway, just a suggestion.
NancyShell I am African
NancyShell
I am African -American and I am an aunt of two Asian American nieces. They were adopted by by African American brother and his (American)-Asian wife. I have to say in the beginning I questioned their decision to adopt two girls from China. I guess I was taken aback by their decision to travel thousands of miles to children and spend thousands of dollars ,when there were children right here who desperately needed families. I was ashamed that my brother didn't choose at least one African American child to parent considering he was a person of means and could give that child a life of access. I was very wary of the whole process.
But from the moment I met them I fell in love. I felt connected to them . I have watched them grow from babies until now they are teenagers. Because of some other family dynamics (not of my own choosing) I do not see them very often. But when I do I am an aunt silly with excitement. We pick up where we let off with girl giggles and funny stories. I am glad I got to know them. I am glad they escaped their dismal orphanages in China. What a waste if they had be allowed to lanquish in that environment. I happen to like them both as people and it gives me a thrill when they call me Aunt Nancy.
But to be honest I worry about them. They are both excellent students both they are the only "diversity" at their upper crust school that they attend. They have both felt the racism that is aimed at them because they are adopted , Asian and with a black daddy. I am sure they have been disinvited to parties and social events do to their own ethnic hertage and the fact that their "father" black. I feel said that my brother and his wife have decided not to teach them the history of racism in this country. I feel it doesn't equip them well to deal with racism it in its many forms. They call this stragedy killing racism by ignoring it. I feel that only works in some venues. I pray for my nieces and keep an open door policy with them if they decide they need an other opinion. I must say I love them but I feel love is not enough to protect them.
Most of us come into a world where we do not recieve all the love and protection we need. I can say that due to my own crazy family history. Sometimes we recieve the mothers and the fathers that we need but they don't come from our biological tree. I have accepted life is a patch work quilt. We don't know why we are sewed next to another dis-simular patch but tied together we are. I believe it has to do with our lifes work. We are called to be bridges into other worlds to translate the untranslatable. I thank you for your honesty. I hope you know that being biological families has simular success results. Good luck on your journey. I know it doesn't feel like it but you have been given a rare gift.
Love is enough...
I am second mom (truly) and like a sister to an entire Somali-born family. They are Muslim and I, a Christian.
We don't see color at all. Perhaps it is because we are from a very culturally diverse area (the Washington, DC area). But for 10 years, these kids have loved me like a mom, and I, have loved them back. I have loved their mother like a sister. I am caucasian and I think love is enough.
The kids have stayed with me and my DH for long periods of time on school vacations, and I have stayed with their family and though I know I am not fully parenting them, I can tell you this.
I've heard multiple times from their mom and the kids, that they don't know what they would have done without me and the DH's love. Their mom is a widow and really, we gave our hearts and love to that family. We adopted them, actually. And they, us.
I truly think EVERYONE makes mistakes and feels confusion in their lives about their place in this world. I don't think it comes down to race. There are so many factors that cause us to feel awkward. I grew up extremely poor. I never saw the poverty, but we were the poorest family in town. Now, I made bad choices for myself because I wasn't really parented. I was parented from a distance by my grandparents and by neighbors whose children I befriended. So you know, some of the bad choices you have made perhaps would have been made anyway because you are a human being, in this world, subject to making choices that are sometimes bad.
Have you thought about the factors that perhaps your birthparents' situation wasn't optimal and what you life might have been like had you been raised by them vs. by the family that loved you unconditionally?
I can tell you that, I felt as awkward as you did when my mother remarried. Every family gathering it felt like "us vs. them". Meaning, we felt "less than" the kids of my stepfather. So, could it be that the distance and akwardness you felt, is a universal in many blended families, whether they are culturally or religiously or racially blended?
Thank you for writing this....
Half of a Duo, Raising a Duo
http://micrimas.blogspot.com
I too am adopted and I can't
I too am adopted and I can't help recognizing the attachment/separation issues you write about. I am also a therapist and can speak from my own journey, that focused adoptee therapy can go a long way to help you find the "love" and "knowing" that you apparently are searching for. You are 40, it's time to give yourself the gift of loving yourself enough to do something wonderful for yourself, that in turn may be the gift to your family that they tried but were unable to give you.
I wish you well, and lots of great therapy.
LOL!!! Katal, I laughed.....
Therapy! I know you didn't mean it but your last sentence sounded like a passive-agressive swipe!
Wordologist, I think you hit the nail on the head with this: "They call this stragedy killing racism by ignoring it. I feel that only works in some venues"
Micrimas, I don't beleive that people do not 'see race. ' I'm sure you think you do because race does not play a factor into your relationship with your family, but we all see race. It's natural, it's just how you choose to react to it is the difference between how we interact with each other ( but 'race' is really a social construct and not a physical one........).
Contributing Editor - Race, Ethnicity & Culture
Blog: Writing is Fighting: www.lainad.typepad.com
Writer: Consequence of Sound:
Society is not colorblind
right on laina. i also think we aren't doing our kids any favors if we raise them to think that we or the world in general is colorblind or doesn't see gender, etc. It's not realistic, and it doesn't give the actual tools they need to live their lives and interact with the rest of the world. In short I think that when people claim not to see race or gender and then won't talk about it, they're removing even the language to talk about it, or name problems. Just to give a concrete example it would not be doing a young African American boy any good to teach him to be colorblind, as he enters teenage years and may encounter authority figures including the police. I think that it is pretty darn clear that black men and adolescents are treated differently in our society by the police, and thus, learning that is a very important basic survival skill. And in Micrimas's example I would wonder if she has experienced her Christian family and her Muslim family members being treated differently, and needing to behave differently, let's say at least with the expectation of a lot less leeway, from the TSA.
Anyway, that is just to say that the U.S. and Canada aren't "colorblind' and when I hear white people say that they are, I appreciate the idealism, but it's a red flag for me -- I am alerted to a strong possibility they are actively removing people of color's opinions and language from public discourse, by denying that racism exists or that anyone needs to talk about it.
-----------------
Liz Henry
Composite: Tech & Poetics
lizzard@bookmaniac.net
laina... i think you are right
In my world my heart is open and so is my DH to everything. In the "real world" you are right, race is a social construct. IDK< I think your parents thought love was enough. I am sorry you struggle with this. I hope you find peace in your heart. As an older woman (I am 47) I would say, maybe talk to your parents about this. It might bring peace to know the reasons WHY you were adopted into your family.
Most of my family has passed away (that happens the older you get) and while I don't miss some things... I surely do miss not feeling like "an orphan". That happens when you lose your parents. I cannot compare that to anything you are feeling... at all... but, you have a loving family AND... perhaps they will help you to find your birthparents so you can learn more about your past?
I think your post was really profound. My children are not mine biologically. We did not adopt them. My husband is their biofather and our former surrogate is their biomom. I read your post with great interest because it is very important for me to make sure my boys feel like they understand (when they are old enough) the whole picture of their lives, not just bits and pieces of it.
hugs to you...
Half of a Duo, Raising a Duo
http://micrimas.blogspot.com
Not sure where I stand
I have been thinking about the OP and the comments here. (I just joined and this is the first post I read).
I like to believe love, true love can be enough. As long as intent is pure. It would have been an opportune moment for the parents to explain racism and that it is usually based on fear, lack of knowledge, basing a belief on the past actions of others of the same race, and closed mindedness.
I grew up in and out of 13 foster homes and institutions. Losing my mother at the age of 7 and having a father who was a mean, among other things, drunk, I would have been happy to have some parents who loved me. That right there would have been heaven. Screw the relatives... I had so much rejection in my little life that if their relatives hated me, but they made me feel as special as they could...
But that is a pipe dream, heck we have no idea what would have happened if a King and Queen had ended up with me, or if anyones relatives had embraced anyone. We can imagine...but we will never know.
We get the life we get. We make the most sense of it we can, we learn, we go on and try to do better in spite of.
And those who helped us along the way in any way they could even with the shortcomings they had, well bless them and thank God for them for they did the best they could with the skills they had.
I have yet to meet a perfect parent. (including myself)
Can of worms here
I agree with all the comments that this is a powerful post, Laina. Revealing our vulnerabilities is never easy. At the risk of opening a bigger can of worms, however, I ask, "Could not someone extrapolate from your conclusion that people should not give birth to children of mixed race?" After all, a white mother could give birth to a black child that she must raise alone, and she may be ignorant of black culture, race relations, and the real world struggle of growing up with brown skin.
What does the belief that white parents should not adopt black children say to the millions of white parents who've produced mixed raced kids? I ask this because your personal story sounds more like that of white parents being ill equipped to prepare a black child for the world in which she must live, who were ill prepared to provide her with the cultural experiences that connect her to her ethnic heritage.
Our president, Barack Obama's even tempered nature, sense of compassion and love for own children and wife would indicate that it's possible for a white parent to raise a mixed race child successfully and to have that child feel greatly loved. So, perhaps any difficulty with white parents raising children of color has more to do with the individual parent and his'/her parenting style, education, and life experience than simply white parents in general should not raise black kids in general. I'm thinking now of the many humans who are raised by their blood families of the same culture and yet feel disconnected, sometimes even hated.
But I see where you're coming from giving your life experience. I think people can only love us to the degree that their individual capacities allow.
Nordette Adams is a BlogHer CE & you can find her other stuff through Her 411.
Bless you Nordette
Nordette you are so turned on and see the big picture indeed.... As i read your post I thougnht of "Barack's life having read 'Dreams from my father ' and he was loved entirely and it was really only when he came to the main land that he saw the judgements and fears of others projected at him his journey has made him who he is in the world.....And thank his Goddess family for that ......As we say here at vita 'love the other as one would wish to be loved by another .......