I'm Supposed to Play with These Kids?

Wait. What?

We're supposed to play with them too?

I didn't get the memo.

Why can't fish sticks and public school education be enough? Huh???

( http://justlinda.net )JustLinda

fabulously imperfect

Twitter @JustLindaSTL

Wonderful!

Liana Preble CEO/Founder

Victorious Moms

www.victoriousmoms.org ( http://www.victoriousmoms.org )

You need to chill the fuck out.

Because you don't feel engaged with your kids 100% of the time you're a bad mom? I hate that today's society makes moms feel exactly like this. It's wrong. There's no such mother like the one you want to be.

We all have our strengths and our weaknesses. My weakness is that I hate. hate hate. playing with my kids. I hate board games (gag me, I always have - even with adults). I hate playing cards. I hate playing dolls or cars. Shoot me in the head now, I just won't do it. I'd rather do something with the kids that we ALL enjoy. I never want my kids to think I'm paying them lip service and I never lie to them. If I hate to do it, I tell them.

That's what dads are for, anyway. My husband has the perfect attention span for playing cars or games. I. do. not. LOL.

What I'm awesome at is teaching my kids. I read with them. I'll teach them to play soccer or baseball. I'll teach them how to make pancakes. I'll take them for walks and to the park (if only to get their energy out so they won't be so psychotic at home).

Don't dwell on what you're not good at. No one's perfect. I bet you're just as good a mom as anyone else and don't let you tell yourself any differently.

Visit my Blog - Creating Little Monsters ( http://creatinglittlemonsters.wordpress.com )

You are not alone. I am there with you. Really. You are so not alone on this one.

Thanks for your honesty! Sometimes, I can make it through the "game time" or the "shows" my daughter likes to put on, as long as I have a glass of wine!

I was seriously just contemplating a post called, "I am totally not the RockStarMom you think I am!" And talking about this exact thing (along with some other fun things my husband just threw out at me!). But the reality is that we are f'ing human and we are not perfect and we sometimes need to be selfish and take care of us. It's hard, but we have to set those boundaries and not feel guilty about them. Our kids will thank us for it in the end. and you know what, the things they will remember are the times we DID play with them. Not the ones in which we needed a break. I believe that when they are our age, they will thank us for teaching them that it's ok to take a break from being a mom.

Unless of course, you really are a "bad" mom and you never play with your kids...then you have a whole life of therapist bills ahead of you. ;)

Rock On! RockStarMomLV.com

I knew I would be only one of many mothers to post in agreement on your sentiments of being a mother.

The difference? I stopped feeling badly. I realized that I'm not perfect. I accept that I try hard and fall short many days. I'm okay with it.

Our social media pushes mothers today to be some sort of super humans. Our famed hollywood star mothers are reporting that "it's a joy to wake up and care for my crying baby in the middle of the night". And were being flooded with ideas of moms hand making birthday cards and if you don't bake those cupcakes by hand then damn it you've failed!

Well guess what? I'm done keeping up with the jones. I'm done trying to be the super mom. I'm done buying into the b.s. Those mothers who are trying to do it all and be it all, are popping those happy little blue pills every morning because the reality is that it's too much pressure.

My kids know I love them. They know I try hard to make a nice home and life for them. They know I'm tired. And they work hard to help me out so that I can have more quality time with our family instead of being expected to do everything myself.

They are good kids and I'm a good mom even if I don't want to play all the time. I'm not a super mom. I'm a REAL mom!

Thank you so much Janelle for having the "balls" to post this. We are just so molded to not speak in such a manner, and terrified what others might think of us if we did. Which ironically from seeing your comment list here everybody feels the same way.

If life could be as simple(and respectful)as the days of June Cleaver, then we might actually be able to enjoy playing. But these days, we've got huge odds against us. Odds such as being over worked, and under paid. We are a generation of extremely over stressed out parents. There are so many more things in our day to stress and exhaust us then back when we were kids. Its sad, and I hate it.

I applaud you for speaking something that most of us only think about but have dared not say. You have the honesty to speak up and voice a feeling that I can almost guarantee that every one of us have felt.

I love your honesty and bravery. You kept writing and I could feel your anxiety when you almost stopped. You had me feeling what you were. You're a good writer! Have you ever thought about being a writer?

~Everything happens for a reason~

Noel J. Miskovsky

Publisher, PinkDivaCafe.Com

I am soooo thrilled to read this. I have shared these thoughts MANY times and even struggled with full blown anxiety and depression last year and had to face the fact that I needed medication. I have two sons in college so I have been parenting for 20 years but now I so ready for me but no, not yet. I still have an amazingly beautiful 11 year old daughter with Asperger Syndrome that is so precious and it is taking everything I have some days to stay in there and "do my job". Isn't that terrible that sometimes I think of it that way? I can tell you that a combination of medication and reading Daily Grace Inspirations as well as listening to Mark Crows wife tell her story have been huge in helping me but I still struggle with those same thoughts and emotions and it makes me so happy to know I am not alone, like so happy I want to cry a good cry!

First of all, you are an adult. It would be kind of weird if you wanted to play with toys all day. This has only been an issue within the last 20 years or so. Is this something that our parents worried about? I know mine didn't.

The fact that your playing with your kids even though you don't want to gets you a lot of brownie points.

Also, it gets easier as they get older, because the kinds of games they want to play and the things they want to do are closer to my own interests
Sheryl ( http://papernapkin.typepad.com/ )

Sometimes we all feel like this. Sometimes the children's voices pierce the air like sharp knives, it cuts into your space and you wish it gone. You want the quiet back , the peace, the solitude, the adult self to think and not play those children's game that bore you almost to death.
But the present has to be all there is. There simply isn't anything else.

That's it- But it's still life.
And it can be a good, breathing, calm life.
Surrender to what is in front of you.

You are all they have.

I'll go you one better... Sometimes I don't even like my kids. Like today... they were all being petty, bossy and annoying. Me saying this and feeling this doesn't take away the fact that I would give my life for them at any given moment. For real.

I do not feel guilty when I don't play with them and yes someday they will be gone and perhaps I will miss these moments. So what! I don't miss High School and I had a fab time. I do not miss college...I had an AMAZING time and I do not miss Grad School. The point I am making is this: we are fucked up sometimes, but for most of us that doesn't interfere or compete with our capacity for loving ur kids with every fiber of our being.

Our kids are our greatest gifts and our highest joys...some of us will never do anything as divine as raising beautiful kids.

They will survive me not playing Monopoly, or the Wii, or Uno, or Go Fish every time they ask. Besides everyone is not going to play with them because they ask. I am building their character.

Maybe it's time to teach them how to play poker...I'm just sayin'

Be loving & Be in LOVE

I Love You For Writing This!!! Thank you so much! I felt like I was reading about myself, from the walking around the store goofing off with the kds to the not wanting to play with them at all. I really appreciate you for this article!!!

Anna, The Pilot's Wife

http://www.pilotwife.blogspot.com/

I feel the exact same times, more often than I like to admit to myself, then I always feel really shit at night, right before I go to sleep and promise myself that "Tomorrow I won't do that again."
But some days I do. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone. Seriously, I needed that!
Carrie

I think it's perfectly normal to have days like this, or even weeks.

First I was like, "wow, she said it out loud." Then I was like, "Dude, I totally feel that way all the time." And then I was like, "Why does it have to suck being a mom sometimes?" I don't know why... but I do know that it's not all rainbows and unicorn farts, and anyone who's telling a different story isn't being honest. Being a kid is a hard job and being a mom who has to teach that kid to grow up over the course of 18 years (and more) is even harder. If you'll hang in there, so will I.

http://callsignmommy.com

Hello, guilty mothers. Here's the thing: Your job is not to play with your kids. Your job is to teach your children how to entertain themselves.

Yes, occasionally it's good to interact with your kids, play games that teach them how to have fun whilst learning rules and exploring ideas and learning that sportsmanship is more important than ego, etc. But ultimately? Parents are adults and children are children and while the twain does indeed meet at times, most of the time, these are separate worlds and should remain so.

Also? NEVER give a child anything he/she whines for. You're only teaching him/her that it works.

I just threw that last one in for good measure. I loathe, hate, despise, and am disgusted whenever I see an exhausted parent give in to a whiny kid in a store, thus ensuring that the whines will continue forevermore because they WORKED. Bah.

Then again, I remember when an adult who wanted to play with us kids was considered creepy, and something to report to Mom and Dad at the end of the play day. I also remember those few (back then) kids who didn't seem to know how to do ANYTHING unless there was an adult guiding them every step of the way. We laughed at them. Even today, I consider those kinds of kids pathetic.

Bottom line: Play with your kids when you can, and don't waste a moment of either of your lives feeling guilty when you can't. You are an adult. They are children. You only belong in each others' worlds occasionally. Hell, I don't even want to belong to GEORGE CLOONEY's world 24/7.

Children who aren't required to utilize their inner resources and entertain themselves grow into adults who can't, either. And who wants one of those?

Nobody smart, that's for darn sure.

"Don't be content with being average. Average is as close to the bottom as it is to the top."

Jane blogs as "Mamacita" at Scheiss Weekly, ( http://janegoodwin.net/ )hitting the fan like nobody can.

Soon they'll be making grown-up type problems for you and they're much harder to handle.

Think of this as the good time when they'll forgive you your human faults. They'll still give you hugs and snuggles; still smile at your goofy antics at WM and still think you're the "best mom ever."

My oldest is 43, unemployed and living at home! It's much harder to find things to smile about with her and hasn't forgiven me for divorcing her dad after 35 years ago! And she's embarrassed when my husband and I dance in the isles at WM! Imagine that!

I've never been afraid to say to my children: "I've eaten two play-dough hamburgers already. I really don't need a third one."

I must confess, though, that I find the Monopoly years easier than the toddler years. When they were babies, I felt like I was always looking around for someone to hand the baby to. But now that they read and can play a hand of Uno, it's easier for me.

I recently admitted to my husband (after a few cocktails)that the one thing I hate to hear and that really makes me cringe, is the words "mommy, will you play with me."

It made me cry because of this overwhelming relief that I am not the only one. Yes, I really did believe I was the only one. My guilt meter has just gone down a notch.

A million thanks to you for writing this, and for all the moms who commented with similar feelings.

You know, I honestly felt that way about the baby stage.

I'm supposed to cuddle him? I'm supposed to enjoy rocking in the dark & treasure the moments where he's eating & gazing up at me? DUDE. I just want a martini & a good book, but oh yeah...I'm supposed to be treasuring this.

damn it.

I would put him down for a nap & then immediately beat myself up for not enjoying tummy time. Or that walk in the morning sun. Or how I didn't even bother changing him out of pajamas.

Toddlerhood is different for me - I'm really digging it. But I figure we all go through this as mothers.

Beth Anne blogs under a pen name at The Heir to Blair ( http://theheirtoblair.com ) where she dishes on motherhood & life in general.  She also delivers tidbits of awesome ( http://twitter.com/heirtoblair ) here.

Every time I tell someone I have an only child, they tell me they had two or three so they wouldn't have to play with their kids. And so I also have the "but she has no one else to play with" guilt.

The role-playing thing: here's what I do to make it less horrible. Either I have the dang ducks or whatever in the bathtub act out exactly what happened that day (so I don't have to think up plotlines)or I have them do typical stories like The Three Bears, but in my mind I cast them with the Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Or the kids from The Brady Bunch. Or anyone -- it makes the dialogue go easier, and sometimes I end up getting more into it.

I think so much of parenting is really difficult in the moment, and the worst part is feeling like you never have a minute to yourself, ever. I make endless bargains with my daughter that go something like this: "I'm really cranky right now. How about you play by yourself for fifteen minutes while I go read my book and then we'll do either a) thing I like or b) thing I like.

Don't you love all my assvice? But I'm not judging you at all, sister. Clearly you are not alone. The worst for me was the repetition and mindlessness of the toddler years. I used to count down the minutes until bedtime. Seriously.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy ( http://bit.ly/Qp0sS ) and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak ( http://tinyurl.com/9pg62e ). She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

Yes, and if you don't have the energy to play, at least get outside for a nature walk. It will occupy them and give you a breath of fresh air. Give them a paper bag to collect their treasures and this won't zap your brain and patience like board games. At night, before bed, take a blanket and pillows outside, lie on your backs and star gaze. It's good to look up when you feel down and the night air gets them sleepy for bed.
Don't clean for 6 hours, that's unrealistic. Do what you can do for a couple of hours and call it a day. Give the kids a Swiffer and have them surface dust the tables, book cases and their bedrooms. To a kid, cleaning can be a game! Who can clean the best...the most and some of your chores are completed! Older kids can vacuum and wash dishes. Little ones can play in the sink with bubbles. Reward them with another simple activity like making their own "ants on a log". Sign the kids up for activities at the local Y, library or gym and then get yourself some "me time" while they're under someone else's supervision.

Been there, done that. Works for grandkids too!

Lighten up and good luck!

I feel like I know you, because you are my mother and my sister - "I can't wait until my kids grow up so I don't have to be a parent anymore." I don't understand you.

I've been a single mom, a working mom, a student mom, a stay-at-home mom to 3 children. Yes, I have bad days when I can't wait for my kids to go to bed. I hope you only have very few of the ones that you are describing...

The end result... I have no relationship with my mother because she put such little effort into her 5 children and the same effort into her grandchildren.

It makes me sad. And inspires me to be the mama I wanted. I hope you can and do share your personal dreams with your children and find inspiration in the fact that your children are you and you are shaping the world. You have that much power!

You're so not alone. Just do what I did, get a best friend who doesn't take care of her kids AT ALL, so now, I feel pretty good about my own parenting issues. Hang in there, soon instead of games, they'll just want to go on and on and on and on about shit that happens in school and in their lives, that you have NO INTEREST IN, whatsoever. I've often envisioned myself putting duct tape over my 17 year old daughters mouth, just to shut her up. Like right now, I'm trying to write this and she won't stop talking, causing me to have to use the backspace button...repeatedly. So no, you're totally not alone. :)

Are we twins? I could've written this exact post...especially the part about when you do finally sit down and play Monopoly. I'm annoyed, try to control the game to my specifications, etc.

And like your time in Wal-mart, the best times with my kids always seem to come spontaneously. Maybe that's just how we're wired. It's ok...

Keep "over-sharing". Love it.

I look after kids for a living, and I go through EXACTLY the same thing. I love my kids, I love my extra kids. I really, really do! But there are days when I just can't handle one more song, one more story, one more ANYTHING that's just for them and not just for me. Yeah. Sometimes I just wanna run away, too.

I feel the EXACT SAME WAY and I hate to admit it to anyone. I didn't know anyone else felt this way. THANK YOU for writing this.

http://heymrswilson.net

To read more form BUTTERFLY go to www.butterfly.com ( http://www.butterfly.com )

Glad you changed your mind about writing this, but have to wonder what was holding you back? There really aren't any mothers out there who always enjoy playing with their kids, are there? I'd rather have dental surgery. Would enjoy reading more of your “things I shouldn’t say out loud let alone publish on the internet" so I'm hoping you continue to "over-share."

I feel the exact same way. AND I'm on antidepressants. Are they supposed to make those feelings of wanting to escape stop?

Thank you so much for being brave enough to write this. I'm still ashamed of my behavior, but it feels better to know that I'm not the only one.

Reading this really made my day. That sounds terrible, but it's true. I honestly thought I was the one one who had some of these feelings. I think one commenter really hit the nail on the head. Just the fact that we worry about this makes us good moms, I think. I hope, anyway. But, today I will pull out a board game and play with my children. Not because I feel guilty (well, maybe just a little bit), but because we all seem to have memories of our families doing just that. I don't want my girls to miss out on those memories.

The worst is when my daughter wants to role-play with her My Little Ponies in the bath. Usually the plot has something to do with mommies and big sisters and little babies. Usually there are near-drownings and rescue operations. I suppose if I paid better attention, her chatter would give me deep insight into her feelings regarding my divorce and remarriage and second child, but I JUST CAN'T STAND to play along. I never say the right thing, and I can't tell the difference between her comments to me-mommy and pony-mommy. And I just want some quiet time.

"Right now I feel the sacredness of playing a game with my non-stop director daughter and goofy distracted son. I feel it. I know it." Beautiful.

This whole post is so genuine. I thank you for that, and I won't try to argue with you; it sucks to not be into being present with your kids. Have you ever thought about digging into this subject with a therapist? You can get a lot of insights from a perfect stranger who knows what they're talking about :)

Love your writing style.

Mrs4444
Half-Past Kissin' Time ( http://www.halfpastkissintime.com ) & Mrs.4444 Cooks ( http://mrs4444cooks.blogspot.com )

I freely admit I stink as a Mom but then I wouldn't be as good as I am if I didn't worry about it. At least that is what I tell myself while lying in bed thinking how many ways I screwed up that day. Then I freak out because Charlie is adopted, we chose to have a child and so I feel like I'm failing his birthmother too.

I don't like to play with my son because he wants to play NASCAR with his Hot Wheels. How many times can I race a car around a coffe table before I explode? Not many.

On the positive side, my son has learned how to entertain himself.

Elizabeth

@texasebeth ( http://twitter.com/texasebeth )  and My Life, such as it is.... ( http://texasebeth.blogspot.com )

I have fiiiiive kids jumping around begging me to play with them all day long, some times I'm busy, sometimes I'm tired, sometimes I just plain old don't want to. The way I see it, I suffered through 45 months of pregnancy so that they would have some body to play with besides me, I did my job!

But yes, every single night I lay in bed feeling guilty, wishing I had more patience, more time, more energy, wishing I could do it all over again, vowing that I'll do better the next day and THAT is what makes us good moms.

Leigh Ann Wilson

www.survivingfive.com ( http://www.survivingfive.com ) 

(A hilarious and heartwarming look at life with five young children- ages 7, 6, 4, 3 and 2)

I am convinced that raising kids is the hardest job in the world, bar none. It sounds like you really know yourself, and that is to your advantage. You don't like playing board games? Hire a teenager who does. You can pop in and out and give thumbs up, but there is no law that you have to like all that stuff. It can be mind-numbingly dull!!

Kids know when mom is unhappy, so maybe try to involve them in the things you are passionate about (on their level of course). Please try to be kind to yourself and remember your are a mom and not a martyr! I am no expert, but my advice is do the best you can, give them tons of love and respect and I am pretty sure all will be well in the end.

Wait. Are there moms who actually like playing with their kids???

~Robyn
www.dimsumanddoughnuts.com ( http://www.dimsumanddoughnuts.com )

I wish we were all this honest.

I struggle with this myself on various days and in different ways. Also, I would rather ram game pieces into my eye sockets than play Candy Land. I also called my parents and apologized recently for making them play Trouble! eighty-bagillion times when I was growing up. It was my favorite and they always played... and it is the LONGEST EFFING GAME EVER. I cringe when the boys ask to play.

But I am commenting so that you know you are not alone. When my anxiety ramps up and I'm stuck in my head thinking about everything I have to do and everything that can go wrong and what if and why and how and so on... the last thing I want to do is play. It's probably the FIRST thing I should do as it would help me get out of my head, but it doesn't mean that it's easy for me to do so. So remember: You are not alone. Sure, our kids may deserve better at times, but they have amazing moms.

Hang in.

Family Section Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.