How Do You Get a Happier Marriage?

my husband and i have gone through rough patches in our 12 years of marriage and we have a pact that when we feel like things are going in a downslope, we prioritize date nights (a trick that our dear marriage counselor taught us about 5 years ago!).  We agree not to talk about the kids or work and just talk about our interests and each other.  I know it sounds hokey but it really works.  Also, on date nights we prioritize INTIMACY! (btw, there's a great site that if you haven't checked out i highly recommend!  bedroomchemist.com  my friend turned me on to it and it has been great for forcing us to find time for intimacy again!).  good luck to all and hang in there! 

I honestly believe being civil is the key. Civility creates respect and love grows from respect.

However, that said, while it takes two people to make a marriage it does only take one to destroy it. My husband did things after we got married that have shaken me to my very core and yet somehow (and most days I don't even know why I'm still here) we are still here. The difference between success and failure often lies in our commitment. It is shear commitment that gets you through the days where you want to pack your bags and head for the door. It is commitment to doing what is best for us that keeps me from hitting him over the head with a frying pan. It is commitment that keeps me going to the marriage councilor when what I would much rather do is walk the two blocks to the courthouse and make him disappear. Life is not perfect and we cannot expect either our partners or ourselves to be so.

"Staying together isn't the goal. Being happy is" This is one for the books... really helpful!

~Jen

Marriage is tricky business. Statistics prove that point without a doubt. With the divorce rate consistently hovering around 50% and the percentage of happy remaining marriages seemingly very low, it's hard to find a positive focus.

However, I honestly believe the most important thing to do is just that. Find a positive focus about marriage, our spouses, and ourselves and stay there. We tend to move towards what we are looking at.

I'd like to share a quick article I wrote.

http://escapefromrelationshiphell.com/wow-arent-we-the-lucky-ones.php

Thanks for sharing your wisdom.

With love~

Lisa Hayes

www.escapefromrelationshiphell.com ( http://www.escapefromrelationshiphell.com )

Rita,

Hello. I'm brand new to the BlogHer community, and I stumbled across this post--so we'll see if we can pick the conversation back up! I also wasn't able to find anything more in the "Happy Marriage" series, probably due to my lack of blogging experience! I would like to answer a question you asked in your post, "If picking apart other people's marriages doesn't teach you how to be happy, then what does? I personally had to learn the hard way that nobody can "make" me happy. I either am, or I'm not. When I'm happy, people seem to want to be around me. When I'm not, I make living with me pretty hard. We all do. Most of the "work" in marriage is actually learning to live with another human being who is not you."

What does teach you how to be happy in your marriage is learning skills and also new terms to help you dialogue with your spouse about your relationship, your hopes, dreams, and conflicts. This is exactly what my blog, http://lifetime2love.blogspot.com/ , is doing, and what I'll be doing with marriage education.

What you said about the "work" in marriage part being actually learning to live with someone who is not you--I love it! That is almost verbatim what my husband and I were talking about over dinner last night. We have friends who are on and at the end of their second marriages--and it is quite frustrating to see how fast they become disallusioned with their "new" relationships after the chemical high of "falling-in-love" wears off after the 2 year mark. I think what many of us fail to make the link with is that in our families of origin it was "work" to co-exist with our blood relatives, what makes it suddenly all that different to "work" on the relationship you've chosen in your new family? "Work" meaning you don't and won't always get your way with everything whenever you're in any kind of relationship--so the work part is putting to use conflict resolution skills and good manners.

What gets me fired up are all the magazine articles about relationship advice that has no basis in research, counseling methods/techniques, or best practices. All the "advice" is either anecdotal or opinions. AND!!! We turn to celebrity relationships to take a cue on if we are doing okay in our own relationships when all of it is superficial blather. I'd love to figure out how to start writing articles for magazines etc., wherein the reader will actually come away with a skill to try so they can change the way they interact with their feelings so they become more congruent as a person and are able to make choices about how they will think and act in a given situation instead of just being reactionary.

I couldn't agree more on the "letting go of your pride" part. Ego clash is one of the primary reasons of divorce.

Clashes between any two persons are very common. Whether it is wife & husband or Father & children, you & your colleague, difference of opinion is natural.The desires of persons varies. The tastes of persons varies,likings of persons varies.

But these clashes between wife and husband attains importance as they have to mix their two lives and make it a common one.

Clashes will come when one thinks that he/she is only correct.But both sit together,discuss and come to an understanding and implement the same there will not be any problem. Actual problem comes when one insists on his/her idea only.

10 little but surefire tips for Great Marriage ( http://vigrxplus.theymen.com/10-surefire-tips-for-a-great-marriage/ )

Thank you so much for writing this. It's very honest and real perspective. Happy marriage is really possible. Every marriage is different though. Working with my clients I hear it all the time. I'm afraid it will never work.

I recently wrote an article about how to affair proof your marriage. I think this concepts applies to how to insulate your marriage against all kinds of issues.

http://escapefromrelationshiphell.com/affair-proof-your-relationship-wit... ( http://escapefromrelationshiphell.com/affair-proof-your-relationship-with-relationship-insurance.php )

Thank you so much for sharing.

With love~

Lisa Hayes

www.escapefromrelationshiphell.com ( http://www.escapefromrelationshiphell.com )

great post! As my first marriage was crumbling around the edges, my then-best friend went berserk just when (I thought) I needed her most. I later realized that she couldn't manage what my faltering marriage might mean about her own. It wasn't pretty. Marriage is still the big WOW to me, but I've also learned that being with the wrong person is a far lonelier place that actually being alone. Being happy *is* the goal, paired, solo, or in between.

I can't speak for marriage, but what I try to focus on TODAY in my relationship is... well... TODAY in my relationship.

We've also found that an abundance of love and concern for the welfare of the other perpetuates positive interactions and altruism in our relationship. I give so much because he gives so much because I give so much... it goes on.

There's so many things I want to know about marriage but I am ready for the "hands-on" adventure. I think that every marriage is unique. I've been married to my wonderful husband for almost 4 years now, but we are not physically together. We survive everyday using skype. You see he is in the US and I am in Asia. Financial problem keeps us apart but we are staying strong and working on to solve the problem. We've known each other for 3 years before we decided to tie the knot.

I know some people think I am stupid for sticking with my husband. But my husband and I know we have a great love, friendship loyalty and respect for each other that no one can tear us apart. Some will never understand our marriage, that's why I think it's unique. :D But even if people think our marriage is odd, we are happy with each other. I think the best part of all this is, we already planned out everything, from names of future babies, our first dog and our retirement! How do we stay happy being married this way? Whenever we have an argument, we don't curse or say bad things to each other. It's always easy to say "I'm sorry" at the end of the day.

Love is a Choice.
Love is Sometimes WORK.
Love isn't always pretty.
Love isn't Easy.
Love is Changing.
Love is Complicated.

It's all about honoring the commitment, growing together, celebrating life, and constant communication/evaluation of your relationship. Nothing in this life is certain, but you can certainly WORK to make it work TODAY.

Jen

Mama 2 Quadruplets

www.murraycrew.blogspot.com ( http://www.murraycrew.blogspot.com/ )

Rita,

Thank you for the honesty in this post.

I agree with your idea of looking at the relationship and asking how can I help? Rather than demanding make me happy.

Being happy and loving someone are both choices that can only be made by the individual themselves.

Janna - Can also be found at The Adventure of Motherhood ( http://theadventureofmotherhood.blogspot.com ).

I can't agree with marriage always being hard work. I really can't.

Granted, my husband and I have only been married six years, but we're happy together at least 99% of the time. We've never had a fight, never sworn at each other, never yelled or called names. We're not ultrapolite with each other, but we're careful when it's necessary. We're also bluntly honest with each other.

We don't work at the marriage. We don't. But we sure do have a LOT of fun together. He can always make me laugh, even when I'm mad at him. Which I can probably count on one hand.

I'm not saying we don't make an effort at keeping our marriage happy. It's just that it doesn't feel like work. I take care of him in the ways he needs to be cared for, and he takes care of me in the ways I need to be cared for. We don't keep score. We just do whatever's necessary. And we have a lot of fun together. :)

And we're wildly compatible. :)

Laurie in Sri Lanka

Chilli & Chocolate ( http://food.laurieashton.com ) | A Canadian in King Parakramabahu's Court ( http://srilanka.laurieashton.com ) ] Photos by LMAshton ( http://photos.lmashton.com ) |

These comments are so amazing. If you blog your thoughts, please e-mail me your URLs at rita@blogher.com. I'd love to have more voices in my next few posts.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak. She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

Please check out my blog at http://raisingamazingdaughters.wordpress.com

The key to a long and usually happy (b/c if it's happy all the time you're both delusional and definitely doing something wrong) marriage is to put yourself first. Yes, I said it. What I mean is this -- do what's needed to fulfill yourself b/c if you are not happy with you, you cannot be happy in your relationship. That means, too, that when you have children, you put your marriage first, before the kids. Yes, I said that, too. Your kids will grow up and leave you and then if you haven't nurtured your marriage throughout, you are left more empty than just the nest. Been married 36 years, raised three daughters (we blog together, stop by!) and now one is married. She's on her way to happiness through honesty and hard work. That's important, too -- knowing it's hard makes it a bit easier.

Staying married and being happy is pretty much a choice. Everyday from the moment you get up in the morning or going to bed at night you are either helping or hurting your spouse. I think once we came to look at it that way, there was no other choice then to be there for each other.

Elena,

"If you bungle raising your children, nothing else much matters." Jackie Kennedy

I haven’t been married long, only 5 years. We've dealt with allot of stress, moved countless times, changed careers, had three children and mourned the loss of family members. That's as they say- Life. It’s been a roller coaster ride. Most days I look fondly at my husband and we talk politely if not sweetly to each other, but boy, there are those day that I have visions of punching him straight in his big fat head! Food has been known to fly through the air, doors have been slammed and nasty word exchanged we have gone days without speaking. Your mind is racked with the worse possible thoughts. Divorce? Separation? The world is crashing. Then one of us apologizes or bends. Allowing a peace to be made and goodwill to begin again. Harmony restored. See, a roller coaster. I'm still learning to live with my husband and visa versa. But I'm rather fond of Roller Coasters too.

Being married is hard, but being happily married is hard and exhausting. I've been married for five years, and I have to admit that it's harder than I thought. Not impossible, just hard. It takes effort, planning, and a lot of finagling - especially if there are children, but the payouts are huge. We've both had to learn how to fight, how to let things go, and when to step back. For me, the efforts just blend into everyday life: offering assistance, asking for help, letting go of my hangups and leaving the damn dishes alone - because at the end of the day, we're both committed to each other, our family, and the life that we've created.

I just bookmarked it -- I may need to refer to it again in this series!

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak. She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

... when couples will start finding daily ways to grow as individuals, into their best selves, while nurturing and protecting each other, no matter what.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak. She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

and in getting me thinking, you got me writing... ( http://maurhoffbarney.blogspot.com/2010/04/key-to-marriage.html )

~Margaret

Just Margaret ( http://maurhoffbarney.blogspot.com )

Excellent questions. Excellent thoughts. I don't know that there's anything about marriage that I'm wanting to know (definitely been there for the long haul...and now it's no longer), but I want to know when couples will start finding daily ways to grow as individuals, into their best selves, while nurturing and protecting each other, no matter what.

One Friday night, I loaded up my life and headed out... ( http://isledance.blogspot.com )

I've found myself trying on a new self in the past few years, and it was worth it. You can always change. Any time you want. I totally agree with you.

Although I have to say sexual compatibility is important. :) Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak. She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

Ohh Melissa,
I agree and the listen part is the trickiest. I have been married so long that I actually think I know what my husband is going to say before he says it. That's a bad thing. I find that I am often wrong. But painfully, it's after I've acted on it!

So I would add--really listening--is important.

I was so utterly saddened when I heard about Sandra Bullock. I had just posted ( http://tinyurl.com/gldnlv/ ) about how awesome it was that so many Golden Globe award winners paid tribute to their spouses, and how Bullock's was one of the more touching. Could she have said all of the wonderful things about her marriage and had any idea what Jesse was doing? Disturbing!

Gina is a Contributing Editor also blogging at

Think Act: Proactive Black Parenting ( http://www.proactiveblackparenting.blogspot.com/ )  and  Tortured By Teenagers ( http://momhouston.com/torturedbyteenagers )

I suppose I should write my own blog about this, or should have chosen a different profession. I had the misfortune of becoming a widow after 20 years of marriage, but the good fortune to be able to start over, armed with the introspection of what I would do if I had to do it all over again. To steal a quote, Choose wisely and treat kindly. For most of us, it's too late to re-choose. If you don't want to undo your choice, know that you can't change the basics of the person you chose. You can't fix him or make him something he's not. So accept that part. And treat kindly - always, even when you don't feel like it, when you're in a bad mood, PMS-ing, stressed out or anything else. Treat kindly every day in every single way. Be the kind of wife your husband wants to come home to no matter what. We women have so much power in our marriages, but we rarely realize it.

And to my daughters, I make sure they always know that love is not enough. It's easy to love someone, but not easy to make a life with them. So I tell them they have to be compatible in so many ways with a potential mate, especially financially compatible. (Notice I didn't say sexually??) Married couples fight more about money than anything else, and if you aren't exactly in synch with each other on what you'll buy, how much you'll save, who should work, all that, you'll fight, and the fights will be about power at their most basic. About who is in charge, because being in charge of money decisions is a base marriage thing. If you're already married, you need to get the money thing figured out immediately if you haven't already. That will go farther than most things in helping you and spouse be partners, because as much as anything, marriage is a business partnership. Sounds cold, but it's true.

Here's my final word for now. So many times when I was married before, I WANTED to change - to be better - do things that were nicer, try harder. But it seemed too late. I thought it would be awkward and strange to try on a different me, even though I knew it would be so much better for my marriage. I should have. Then he died, and it was too late. So I guess my new husband got the benefits my first one should have. He still would have passed away, but he would have been happier, I'm sure of it. And I would have been too.

Enjoy your husband, and treat him kindly. Every day is a new opportunity to build an awesome divorce-proof marriage.

Which is why I totally used it. :) Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak. She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

Ah, Rita -
We laughed at you because we love you...because we've seen you struggle and come out on the other side a wiser and happier person. And we laugh because you're harder on yourself than anyone else could possibly be.

I'm so glad you're taking on this challenging topic. We need more of this conversation than the celeb-focused versions. How about "reality at my level" for a change?

What a kick-ass start to this series. Can't wait to see what you write next!

Fweetieb Blog: http://justfweetieb.blogspot.com

Then I realized there is no possible guarantee where humans are involved. And actually, relaxing into that has been good for me.

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak. She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

I hear you, but I think being happily married is more rare than being married. Just staying together isn't actually that hard. :)

Rita Arens authors Surrender Dorothy and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak. She is BlogHer's assignment and syndication editor.

I remember right before we got married, our friends announced their divorce. It was early in the morning when we got the call, before work, and I cried throughout the entire day. It shook me to the core. If they were getting a divorce--and I thought their relationship looked pretty damn perfect from the outside--what chance did we have?

I loved this line in your post: "Of course it could. It could, but could is not the same as will."

What I've learned about marriage: ask questions and then listen to the answers. Be vulnerable and place your heart in the other person's hands.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.com/ ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).

We hear you. Being married today is like being an endangered species. There are so many assaults on the institution by all sides, from those who disregard the sanctity to those who believe it has to look a certain way. Why can't we all just be happy? We write about that on our site. In fact we created our own Happiness Manifesto (yes, we read Gretchen Rubin's happiness essentials and found it a bit lacking for relationships and individuals). Don't let the anxiety get you. Enjoy your husband.

Lee from www.coupledumb.com ( http://www.coupledumb.com/ )