WANTED: FAT PERSONAL TRAINER
JOB TITLE : FAT PERSONAL TRAINER
JOB TYPE: Personal Training
Position Type: Full-Time Regular
To provide a comprehensive one-on-one educational fitness program to assist client in REALISTICALLY achieving their fitness goals without spending half a day at the gym EVERY day and eating like an effing bird. Those who can currently eat their weight in bread and not gain an ounce need not apply. You'll just piss off the interviewer.
As a FAT PERSONAL TRAINER, it is your responsibility to provide a comprehensive one-on-one health fitness program through realistic goal setting and education. Produce independent exercises by providing the client in-depth information on equipment usage,
lifestyle management how to quit stuffing their face, and ultimately how to shake the fatty mentality that is ever present outside the gym.
The qualified FAT PERSONAL TRAINER must possess at least five years experience and hold a personal training certificate from a recognized provider or a bachelor's degree in a sport and fitness-related field. Trainers without either must acquire a certification within six months of their hire date. Certificates are nice, but the most important requirement is that the trainer was fat at some point in their life and is now at a healthy weight in order to truly relate to their fat clients and their lifelong struggle with fitness and diet. The more years of experience the applicant has had as a fat person, the better the chances of getting the job.
DUTIES & RESPONSIBILITIES:
1. Responsible for understanding what it's like to have a bad day and crave a tub of Ben & Jerry's to make it better.
2. Attend all in-service trainings and meetings.
3. Able to understand the overwhelming wave of guilt that immediately follows said face in ice cream session.
4. Accurately record client-training sessions for payment purposes.
5. Must be able to relate to the dreaded daily morning weigh in, butt naked so as to not add another ounce, eyes squeezed shut, praying the Ben & Jerry's hasn't registered quite yet giving client enough time to burn it off before the next workout.
6. Given the need to relate to above, FAT PERSONAL TRAINER must not possess a metabolism that burns off calories like popcorn kernels hitting the sun's surface. Skinny Minnies need not apply.
7. Conduct personal training sessions within the policies and guidelines established.
8. Set realistic goals. Be aware of client's realistic beach body not the one health magazines keep promising on their front covers. There will be major imperfections that will be glaring in a swimsuit The goal is really to disguise those with a good tan, while feeling good mentally about having hit the gym for that "beach body."
9. Successfully complete and update CPR and first aid training (for those times when client will look like they are about to go into cardiac arrest in the middle of a workout) CPR will likely not be necessary, but client will feel better knowing FAT PERSONAL TRAINER is prepared.
10. Be understanding when client decides to reward their hard work all week with a glass of wine on a Friday night.
11. Be punctual and conduct yourself in a professional manner.
12. Be even more understanding when client explains how that one glass turned into two bottles.
13. Maintain personal training certification through continuing education. Really, just continue to recall your fatty days and be sympathetic.
14. Ideal candidate will understand client's daily struggle to stay on track and have a life too in an industry full of unrealistic role models, going to extremes to maintain an impossible fitness schedule, while living off air and water.
15. FAT PERSONAL TRAINER must be able to hear the fat little voice in the back of client's head that is constantly telling them they're just a Big Mac away from being fat again.