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Wanted: ONE MOMMY
Cute and vivacious 6 yr old searching for a "Mommy".
Successful candidate WILL possess:
1) Patience. You must be able to listen to my stories, over and over,
ad nauseum. Despite what you may have heard from previous "Mommy"'s, I
DO NOT chatter incessantly about nothing. In fact, each of my
utterances must be duly recorded and memorized, and when I've forgotten
why I'm telling this story in the first place, you should be able to
remind me accordingly. This patience must spring from an un-ending
fountain, one that you can draw from as I'm nipping at your heels while
you accomplish the other tasks attributed to this position, including
dishes and laundry. When you are engaging in these activities, you must
still provide me with your rapt attention, and never truly be diverted
from my useless noise my insightful musings.
2) Spatial Awareness. It is extremely desirable that you should be
aware of your surroundings constantly, even while you are expressing
undying patience and accomplishing the aforementioned tasks. Despite
what you may have heard, I DO NOT follow you around like a lost puppy,
I am only attempting to test your spacial knowledge. I will
occasionally walk RIGHT behind you, so close that if you should turn
around, we will collide. I may hang about at your elbow while I'm
testing your patience, and you should be aware that I am always there,
chattering. You shall never lose that patience (read above) nor should
you bump into me, hit me with the laundry basket or lose your temper.
Those things will not be tolerated.
3) Quiet Voice. You should always endeavor to use your quiet voice, or
as it is so eloquently named: your inside voice. If I should trip you
while testing your spatial awareness, you must be able to maintain your
patience (see Article 1) and refrain from loud outbursts (see Article
2, end of paragraph). Should you raise your voice at me, I do reserve
the right to storm off to my room, slam the door, pout or burst into
tears. If this should occur, you are expected to comfort me, feel
copious amounts of guilt and possible purchase me a pony. Should I
scream like a raptor on fire yell out in anger, excitement or boredom,
you must approach me with a quiet voice and tender touch. Aggression
has no place in a "Mommy".
Other Qualifications:
* Broad shoulders: to carry the weight of your world and mine. I may
occasionally add disappointments and unfairness to that load.
*Long Arms: in the event of an outburst, I require hugs and backrubs. It is recommended you also wear an absorbant shirt.
*Answers: During those times I am testing your patience, you must be
able to provide me with answers to any question under the sun,
including appropriate and DIFFERING answers to the question "why?".
This is non-negotiable.
*Must be able to work long hours for little pay. As the currency in
this house is love, you must continue to work, get up with me in the
night, chase away monsters and clean up my barf. Even if I am angry
with you and not paying you in kisses and hugs. It's a recession you
know.
*Must have own vehicle. I occasionally need to travel to
extra-curricular activities, school and fun places such as the park. As
I do NOT like to walk, you must be able to transport me there. Should
we be forced to walk, you must be willing to carry me, either in your
arms or on your back should my little legs be tired.
Applications: Please send your name, experience and resume to
doubleagentgirl@gmail dot com. Although it belongs to my previous
"Mommy", I've hijacked it in protest against cleaning my room.
Only serious applicants need apply.
Thing Two.
