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So, Nataly Kogan posed a great question in her blog. Is it a help or not to your career to delay the start of your family?
As I pondered how to comment, I found myself a little lost. The question infers intent…planning…scheduling.
I confess that I wasn’t so calculated about it. I didn’t think out that I would do this and that at this and that time in my life. In hindsight (reflection is an awesome tool!), I moved from my parents’ home at 24 when the opportunity presented itself. I married at 27 when I met a man I fell in love with, I worked my way up in a career because that’s what my heart told me to do, and then I decided to have a child at 40 because it felt like the right time. That’s when I was ready.
I have friends – we all do – who made different decisions than mine. The “right” or “wrong” of those decisions is not up for discussion. That’s a very individual thing and only they know the answer. It’s not for any of us to judge.
But the thing I found amusing with Nataly’s post was how people responded. You’d think that 30 years old is ancient to have a baby. Oh, please.
They wrote about the exhaustion of having a child over 30. (Yes, that’s true. So what?)
They wrote that women are different than men and don’t have to start a career right out of college. (Hmmm. What if you want to start a career right out of college?)
They wrote scary things about infertility and the chances of not getting pregnant after 30. (This is the part I find offensive. Your body is very individual, and there are 20-something women who have fertility problems, too.)
My new sister-in-law, Tricia, married my brother Brad last summer. She’s in her mid-30s and is a wonderful speech therapist who works extensively with children. Similarly, Tricia and Brad have close friends who are expecting a child and the mother-to-be – also a career-minded woman – is 38. Their conversations about when to have children are laced with stressing about being too old. Again, oh, please…
How does a decision to have a child later in your life make you a lesser mom? How does a decision to have a child and shelf your career ambitions for a while make you a lesser professional? Why does a decision to be a working mom make you unapproachable to those who have taken the mommy-only track and those who have taken the career-only track?
Here’s the thing. Choices are part of life. How and when you choose to have a career, a relationship, a child, a life are all up to you. You’re the adult. You get to decide. You get to live with those choices – right or wrong. And, no one gets to judge you.
