Washing away the smell of seizures

I should have known I was getting into trouble.  Stress and interrupted sleep are my triggers and I am dealing with both, so you'd think I'd be smart enough to prepare for this sort of thing; it's not new to me.  It makes me mad that I let it sneak up on me every time,  and then it makes me mad that I'm feeling that way in the first place.  Doesn't make for very good company.

It took the smell of my bedding to make me realize what was going on.  I crawled in the other night, miserable as hell, confused, disoriented, sad and pissed off at everything and realized that it smelled funny, not at all like me.  That's when it dawned on me, strong sense of smell, metallic taste and scent, uh huh, I was having brain issues.

But, see that's the irritating part, I'm so busy struggling to keep up with the daily things, covering up the fact that I don't feel quite right, that I forget to keep an eye on myself.  And it just gets worse and worse; I forget to eat, drink water, etc.  So pretty soon, even my body is not functioning well.

So, yesterday I spent the day washing away the smell of seizures.  I washed my bedding and every other blanket in the house I think.  I also scrubbed a bathroom, swept and mopped the floors, vacuumed the rugs and stairs...and that is when it hit me.  I was not going to be able to clean my epilepsy away.  

I do this every time.  I start coming out of one of my fogs and clean like a mad woman.  Partially because the housework had fallen so far behind (but that doesn't usually bother this rancher too much), and partially because physical labor is so good for my tired brain, but it was when I was scrubbing to the detriment of my back, that I realized I was trying to wash away my epilepsy.  And it also dawned on me that it wasn't going to work.

I had a good cry, I'm a little ashamed to say.  But you know, I haven't cried much over being diagnosed with this damn disease or whatever it is, so I probably deserved it.  I think that is one of my problems, I just take my lumps in life and deal with them, knowing that it will make me a stronger person in the long run, blah, blah.  But everybody has to process things.

I think part of my problem has been not being able to talk about my brain issues.  I don't think that anyone likes to come off sounding like a complainer, I know I sure don't, but talking about things is a natural part of processing, in my opinion.  But my disability is a tricky one to talk about without sounding like I'm complaining in my mind, because it is so hidden, especially to describe in words.

When someone asks me about my brain issues, the best way I can describe them is to say that I struggle for words, and that I can't concentrate, that I have a hard time remembering things and have often lost things of importance during these times; so much so that I am no longer allowed to keep the check book, keys, and debit card while I am "off".  Now, let me guess, your first reaction was, that happens to everybody!?!

Let me apologize here, but that is one of the most offensive things you could say to someone when they are talking to you about their handicap.  I found this out in a rather odd, unexpected way.  I knew that it always kind of rubbed me the wrong way, but like I said, I've never given it much thought.  I just shut up and move on.  But I know for