He Wants to Watch Porn Together but I Don't!

I have strong opinions on this article as well. I don't think all of your advice is bad or off track. However, I do want to throw out another perspective that you don't seem to be looking at. Sex is NOT about a ONE person act. It takes two to tango, and if your with one partner for the REST of your life, there are going to be times that something has to give. This person writes that both of them have watched porn by themselves, and she has NO problems with that. So, it's not the porn that is an issue.

I personally have a LOT of past issues dealing with sex from sexual abuse, to me being a sexual addict, to having  to deal with a person in my life living the life of a swinger and literally going through four marriages as a result (and still isn't happy.) I do suffer with insecurity a good bit. However, I ALSO KNOW that if I don't take care of my husband's needs that he will find a way to do it whether it's with me or with someone else. I would much rather he do it with me than take any chance on him doing it with someone else. I have seen MANY men seek out what they want with other woman and even teenage girls because their wives/significant other's aren't willing to be open minded and try new things.

Am I saying that you should and MUST do it, no. However, what I am saying is that you need to have an HONEST and very OPEN talk with your bf. I've expressed how I feel about watching porn with my husband. I've tried doing it a handful of times and quite honestly, it's been rough, but my husband cares enough about me that all porn has been stopped in our household. However, the deal is if either one of us has a desire to watch it, we have to watch it together. (If your okay with watching it alone, then you need to be comfortable enough to watch it your bf. Otherwise, quite honestly your damaging your relationship even further, but that's a whole new topic in and of itself.) 

I've not had physical college training on this issue, but I have had LOTS of LIFE training on this and other sexual issues. I can understand your point of view and also the author's point of view. Quite honestly, my opinion is firmly that, an opinion, but it is an opinion based on experience.

"Truthfully, to your average, normally and emotionally balanced person..."

There must be something about posting your 2 cents on the internet that gives someone the feeling that their point of view constitutes what is normal and balanced.

Besides being laden with foul lanauge that undermined all sense of normal and emotionally balanced argumentation, your entire advice/rant was about porn, but her problem had nothing to do with porn and everything to do with her self esteem.

That's horrible relationship advice to miss the point and use someone's question as a sounding board for your own gain. If women hate porn so much then tell those actresses who play in it to stop.

i have a boyfrien and his mom is over amsculateing and she is trying her best to be nice to me since he is so deeply in love with and i am with him what should i do also we have bine sexualy active and his mom doesnt know if he tells her he is kick out of the house and has to live with me fine i love him that mutch if he propsed i would say yes very fast

Fiesty Woman! I had no idea you contributed to BlogHer--very cool. And I liked this post--and your answer--very much. I think you really touch on some very important issues. One that always leaves me scratching my head is why couples would insist on turning on the porn when they can recreate their own right there? I mean, sometimes a bit of excitement is always nice in the bedroom, but I would have the same reaction to watching porn with a bf as your reader does. Not because I don't like porn or don't watch it on my own, but HELLO!?! I'm RIGHT HERE!!!

This really should be more about finding a happy--and sexy--medium for both partners... one they're both equally comfortable with. Clearly this girl isn't, so if her bf doesn't understand or respect these wishes, I think it might be in her best interest to either suggest something instead or find a new man.

This email was full of ‘back-story’.

Monica,

First and foremost, I wonder if you are putting your boyfriends happiness above you own to keep him from leaving you. Would you consider this a failure if he did? Secondly, you are allowing his desires to be more important on an individual level then there being some respect and consideration for you as a woman and as his ‘mate’. All thru your email, you put him and his happiness first, and it seems that that would indicate some lack of self esteem issue that you have. Do you fear being abandoned by him, because of these sexuality issues, in the same way you may have felt abandoned by your own parents, ie, their divorce and their personal and sexual issues were obviously at the forefront of their problems? This goes beyond whether you like porn or not? It speaks to a deeper level loving and understanding yourself and knowing that you are worthy of a love that empowers and elevates you as a woman in this world.

You may want to step back and really look at the roots of some of your ‘concerns’. But the first thing you must do is stop putting yourself on the back burner. You are worthy and deserving of true LOVE, but first it must come from within.

peace

I'm one of the people who can't stomach porn. Five minutes in and I'm feeling repulsed and grossed out. It is an industry that preys on women, objectifies them, exposes them to disease then discards them.

I've been with the same guy for over 22 years and I remember him initiating porn early in the relationship but after a few attempts I poured water on it all together. And our relationship survived.

I really resent the porn industry which has heavily marketed the idea that men are visual sex slugs that need porn to get off. It's a conditioned response from overuse. Men do not need porn and frankly women do not need men who need porn.

This article was incredibly annoying to read. Just.. so.. annoying. The reader has legitimate non-prudish reasons for not wanting to watch porn with her boyfriend. She even tried it once and really really disliked it. So the best advice is so explain that its really a turn off for her and not only that it also brings up uncomfortable emotions from her past.

Plus its obvious from the letter that it goes beyond the issue of porn to one of feeling insecure in the relationship and possibly unhappy. I think that was a more important point to address than how you don't like bleached assholes or wax jobs.

There was no need for the porn-hating rant about how porn is only for young virgin losers who need to get a life. I'm a woman and I love porn. If my boyfriend gave watching it with me a try and really hated it then I wouldn't pressure him to do it again.

I'm also surprised that you are giving out advice on porn when it sounds like the last time you looked on the internet it was 1990. There is pretty much porn for everyone out there. Want to see loving real couples get it on amature style? With no air brushing or fake moaning? there is a ton of that! Want real lesbian porn made by lesbians for lesbians? there is also that available. Unshaved? uneditited? multicultural? yes yes yes.

I think your cookie cutter "porn is bad and porn stars are gross and porn is for losers" rant ruined any advice you might have given her that was useful.