He Wants to Watch Porn Together but I Don't!

Syndicated

Melissa is a relationship blogger who covers every aspect of growing together as a couple. On occasion, she answers questions from readers. Below is a message from one such reader whose boyfriend wants her to join him watching porn. The problem? She doesn't want to! What is a girl to do when our ideas of foreplay or sex aids don't match up? Melissa tackles the question.

Dear Feisty,

I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 28 and we've been together for seven years. We've had our ups and downs but so far, we've made it through. Lately he's been wanting to watch porn together. I don't care if he watches porn by himself. I don't have a problem in the world with it. Even I watch it once in a while by myself. I just don't feel comfortable watching it together.


Photo by goldensardine.

My boyfriend never compliments me. I'm not unattractive or fat. I'm physically fit and I take care of myself. He's just not the mushy or "talk about his feelings" type of person. However, a compliment once a year or so would be nice. Even if I dress up I have to ask him if I look okay and he barely says anything. That's one of the problems I have with watching porn with him. Why would I want to watch other women he obviously finds desirable but he never tells me I'm hot or sexy? Frankly, I don't even know if he finds me attractive.

We watched porn the other night and I just felt so uncomfortable. He only wanted to watch it with two girls and one guy and then asks me if I think the girls are hot (I don't). Then he tells me to watch one girl giving a blow job and says that's how he wants me to do it. I was more turned off than anything. Last night he wanted to watch it again. I came up with an excuse and it didn't happen.

I hate feeling like a prude but it runs deeper than this. When I was a child about 10, my parents went through a nasty divorce. My mom told me her and my dad were swingers and how my dad wanted her to have sex with other men so he could watch. I was 10! Who tells their 10 year old that? Not to mention porn channels were very easily accessible to me at a young age. It's something I've never forgotten and as I was growing up it just made me so disgusted towards swinging and threesomes and that entire lifestyle. Knowing my parents did it made me feel the opposite way about it.

With watching this type of porn, I feel my boyfriend is going to one day ask me to be in an actual threesome. And there's not a chance in hell of that ever happening. I never want to be in a relationship like my parents had and I feel like watching porn will lead to that. So between not feeling attractive to my boyfriend and having known about swinging and porn at such a young age, I'm just so turned off by all this.

I read about other women and their men watching porn together and people enjoying it. I want to make my boyfriend happy but I don't want to feel so uncomfortable and insecure about it. I'd appreciate any words of wisdom or advice.

Signed,
Monica

Hi Monica, thanks for seeking me out for advice. I've been right where you are standing many times before, and I've had various experiences with varied results. And let me just say that my results personally, were often never really desirable nor favorable.

I've tried the whole "watch porn together as a couple" experimentation horse crap for the alleged sexual enhancement and fulfillment it is said to provide. And in all actuality, porn gets to be about as fun as watching the local plumber's crack sloppy fat guy patch up the holes in my driveway. Truthfully, to your average, normally and emotionally balanced person, porn isn't really all that fucking exciting. Especially when you got someone sitting right next you you're absolutely nuts over.

Like you, I'll watch it occasionally by myself for maybe 10 minutes max. After that, it quickly loses its appeal. My husband feels the same way about it. Usually unless you're a lonely hard up 13-year old virgin or someone who's got about a leper's chance in Babylon of getting any, that shit can usually be chalked up to a fleeting pastime novelty at best.

Although for many others, porn has become the pinnacle of wanton worship, a supreme rite of passage- something people, especially men, feel they are entitled to as though it is their God given right. And unsurprisingly a lot of these men have big problems- mainly with intimacy and emotional detachment, distorted views of how women really look, and what kind of sex we actually enjoy as women in our own right. I personally have no problem with porn but to me, this is where porn becomes a real pain in the ass.

I liken the women in porn to the living, breathing equivalent of a blow up doll- in every connotative way. She is a device, a set of welcoming non-combative holes- she is an object that happily does everything a man wants minus any argument, fuss or aversion. That's why she's never given a real name nor any justification for being there, nor any real feelings as a human being. She is merely a tool- one that men identify with a lot less than they want to believe.

Men who are obsessed with porn have absolutely no fucking clue what a real woman feels like -- sexually, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and otherwise. They think bleached assholes, implants, bald pussies (as they often disgustingly refer to them), shaved asses, feigned lipstick lesbianism, and the absence of warts, pimples or wrinkles is completely normal. And they are sorely mistaken.

Yes guys, unbeknownst to you, our butts stink, they're naturally hairy, we have bad breath, pores, stretch marks, cellulite, a couple of rolls here and there and we don't wear makeup, hair extensions and high heels to bed. We have visible imperfections that not even the women in porn can hide without makeup, starving, drugs, tanning, camera filters and strategic positioning.

And it's preposterous that everyday women like you and me are surrounded by self-entitled assholes who think we have to one up ourselves and emulate them for the sole purpose of doing what they want, while they assume we'll gladly do it at the derision of our own dignity and expense of our own pleasure.

You don't see women running around conniving men into putting on dick extensions, spray on abs and hair pieces, nor asking them to pull out their wallets and pretend they're king of all hot 25-year old fire engine chiefs on earth so that we can get off, do you? They'd laugh at us unconscious if we even suggested it. And it begs the question, why the fuck don't we laugh at them when they suggest something as absurd as trying to get us to be something we are not, nor ever want to be?

If it's just a fantasy, why doesn't it ever work in our favor? Because it's not about women, it's about men. At least from their narrow perspective and mostly because women are completely okay with that.

Does porn lead to other things? My answer to that would be, yes. I know that from personal experience. I am 100% straight as far as my sexual orientation and when I was in high school, my ex-boyfriend and I dabbed a bit in porn, namely the lesbian variety that your boyfriend is interested in.

Before watching lesbian porn, I had absolutely no attraction or affinity for women whatsoever, but watching it pried open an entirely new and undiscovered perspective for me- one that arose in me an obsessive curiosity as well as the urge to experiment. And I did. But I'll stop there adding that I only experimented because I wanted to. Not because my ex-boyfriend was being a fastidious dick pressuring me to do it so he could get his rocks off (I actually wanted to do it more than he did). I did it for me, not him.

You're not giving yourself that luxury, choice or designation. And neither is he. Your boyfriend isn't out for your pleasure, he is out for his own. And he is attempting to manipulate you in a very selfish way. However, it is up to you to put your foot down and hopefully make him put his own foot in his own damned mouth. There truly is only one resolution to your problem:

Tell him you are absolutely and emphatically uncomfortable watching porn with him and you will never do it again. And tell him precisely why- that it doesn't turn you on at all as well as it provokes in you fears that he will expect more from you in the future.

This is something you really need to discuss with him in precisely the exact way you've discussed it with me. Everything you've poured out to me in this correspondence needs to be dumped over his head. Sit down with him and talk about it- be as "frank" with him as you are being with me. Get through to him before he tries to get through your entire relationship being as low down and dirty as he sees fit.

You're 24 years old. Along with the unfortunate divorce and painful experiences you had endured with your parents, things can be very confusing at this stage in life. You profess that you "want to please your boyfriend" but let me ask you, do you really -- in exchange for your own misery? Is his "satisfaction" really worth more to you than your own? Especially considering the level of degradation you feel you have to put yourself through?

With him not complimenting you and not expressing attraction for you, you have every right to feel the way you do. Again, I've been right where you are standing and it's highly insulting and not to mention depressing to have to wrap your mind around why your boyfriend wants to watch porn while he's making love to you. I'm certain you're a very beautiful woman and many men would be pleased and feel down right privileged to be with a woman like you. And the fact that he doesn't see it that way is on him, not you.

I'm pretty fed up with women who set aside their own feelings, their sanctity for themselves and their own self-preservation to please men who aren't worth a shit because the bottom line is, emotionally responsible men don't do what your boyfriend is doing. And I'm sick of the tired old excuse that men are "just being men"- who can't express themselves emotionally nor respectfully because they're allowed to clam up and hide securely behind being inconsiderate sexually masculine assholes.

As soon as women stop making excuses for men and their inexcusable behavior, maybe they'll start being the kind of men they ought to be -- for themselves and more importantly for us.

Throwing aside your own feelings so that he can rub one out is utterly ridiculous when you examine the weight of your feelings against his lack of empathy. And as soon as you see it that way, I'm certain you'll feel a whole lot better about yourself and who you are as a woman- instead of trying to please a 28-year old infantile man-child who thinks all women are good for in this world is to be horny threesome porn lesbos.

Love,

Melissa, AKA FeistyWoman

Melissa blogs at FeistyWoman.net. Follow her on Twitter @Feisty_Woman. This piece was originally published on FeistyWoman.net under "Advice: Watching Porn as a Couple."

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