On the way I look.
By hlsblue on January 27, 2012
This post isn't meant to sound whiny or like I don't like myself or anything. I am just laying out some basic facts about myself and the way I feel about that. I love myself. I love being a mommy. And that is that. I'll get to the point at the end.
Before I had a baby, I prided myself on all of the cute little ensembles I could put together. I loved wearing cotton sundresses and heels. Toes and fingers were always neatly and freshly polished. My hair was meticulously cut, colored and styled. Eyeliner and a pretty pink gloss were staples. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I still worked hard on my apperance. Cute maternity clothes, oh, I had them. Everything remained the same. For a while.
Then, my middle started growing like some fungus in a horror movie. To a point where I was certain I would explode like something on a sci-fi movie. Maternity shirts were never long enough to cover my enourmous belly at this point, and so I started raiding my husband's closet. Until he told me I was stretching out the bottoms of his sweaters and that he wouldn't be able to wear them any more. At that point, I could have the stuff I had already ruined but no more. So, my wardrobe was severely limited.
In my mind, even though I knew it to be false, I was going to be able to fit right back into my pre-pregancy clothes. Ha.
I am now still in the process of losing the baby weight. Therefore, my wardrobe is extremely transitional. I don't like buying "nice" stuff because at the moment it is all "disposable." I do try to look decent but for as cheap as possible. And it has to be easy. And comfortable. Because while I get dressed I have a toddler helping. And when I get home I have to chase a toddler and there usually isn't any space for an extra wardrobe change. So, we're talking about a lot of leggings. Sweaters. Flats. Khakis. Sneakers. I have even rummaged through my closet and pulled out some old work-ordered shirts. Some things are more flattering than others, true. I usually feel pretty dandy in my leggings because I have to find a cute flat instead of a sneaker.
Getting dressed requires a lot of effort (hell, getting a shower requires a small act of Congress) and is done from a limited pallet. By the time I put my ear rings in and my watch on and grab my purse, I'm already beyond late to work (thankfully, I have a very understanding work place and a lot of flexibilty) so make up just doesn't happen all that often. I have to eek out every last minute of sleep, then wake up a baby who wants to stay asleep because she probably didn't go to bed until eleven. It is just. so. draining.
Sometimes, though, at the end of the day, I look in the mirror at my hollow eyes, pale skin and frazzled hair. I wonder where the girl I used to be has gone. The girl with lots of blush and well-defined eyes. Speaking of eyes, I lost my glasses in August and have yet to replace them. I'm still rockin' an old pair of pink and black Donna Karan's, which used to be the stuff but now...not so much. Especially without make up. The pink just sort of blends in and makes me look more tired, more pale. Like I need that. I miss the me that used to care. And I hope my baby doesn't look back on all of her pictures with me in them and think, "man, my mommy looked so tired, I must have been a bad baby." I want her to look back and know that I was happy.
I don't think my appereance reflects my happiness. It has been amazing what the few new clothes I got for Christmas did for me and my look. I just wish I had a little more energy to put into me, into how I look so that others could see me and not think I'm having one hell of a hard time. To me, that what my wardrobe and lack of make up and color say. That I need more sleep (which I actually do) and that I just don't have the time to care about myself (which I don't) and that I'm unhappy (WHICH I'M NOT!). That last is my main concern. I want people to know how happy I am and I don't think that ever comes across any more, especially not from a cursory glance, which is all most people get.
I have a lot of work to do around this body of mine.
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