The first time I dated someone where someone important in their life didn’t like me was undergrad, and it was his mother. My friends and I called her “The Banshee,” and man, did she hate me. She was, at least in my memory, a little crazy. One of those mothers who see college girls as sluts all vying to “trap” her most favorite son.

‘Cause that’s why I went to college. Riiight…

Over the years, I’ve had a couple of situations where a guy’s group of friends didn’t like him dating someone from “the outside.” Or decided that I wasn’t the right kind of person. And made it very clear, and/or, made sure I knew I wasn’t welcome. It may be funny when it happens on “Friends,” but when it’s happening to you in real life, it really, really hurts.

I’ve had one friend of a boyfriend flat out tell me to my face that she knew he was making a mistake dating me, that I was trying to change him (‘Cause that’s a good use of my time. Riiight…), and that she wasn’t going to hold back from telling him how wrong I was for him (constantly), because that would make her a bad friend. So let’s talk about how one is truly a good friend (or family member) in respect to the people our friends are dating.

I have been in the situation where I had concerns over someone a friend was dating and/or marrying. I dealt with it thus: I sat the person down and expressed my concerns. I asked them to please humor me by listening, and I promised that I would, after that, respect and trust them to know what was best for them and not bring it up again. This allowed me to express my concerns while respecting my friend.

Because that’s the strangest thing to me – To say you care about someone, but then not trust and respect their decisions. That’s not friendship to me. Or maybe I only make friends with people I trust and respect, and other people don’t do that?

Sometimes, it’s not that friends don’t like who you’re dating, it’s that they are jealous of the time you’re now spending with a significant other. Here’s a saying I’m not too fond of: “Men come and go, but friends are forever.” Whether you’ve found this statement true or not in your life, the spirit of that statement really undercuts the importance of romantic love in our lives.

Now look, every situation is individual. Surely there can be too much time spent with a new love. But as a friend, how can you not – no matter how neglected you may be feeling – simply be happy and supportive for a friend in love?

Particularly if you have a friendship where you see your friend a lot – When one of you starts a new romantic relationship, your friendship is going to have to flex to accommodate this new, important person. Even if the romance is a whirlwind, and doesn’t last. Even if the last 5 romances didn’t lead to significant relationships, when romantic possibility is on the horizon, friends understand. Friends respect.

I’ve come to wonder, in my life, whether when faced with a barrage of negativity from a boyfriend’s friends or family, if it isn’t best to simply walk away. Sure, it may be something he can’t help and is doing all the right things about to no avail, but with all the fish in the sea, maybe the right decision is to simply walk away? Thankfully, I’m not in that situation right now, but after the last time, I didn’t know if I could ever deal with that again, and if any person could ever be worth it.

One thing I am sure of though – I respect my friends, and they respect me. That’s an important part of what friendship means to me.

Family, I guess you’re stuck with to some extent.

~

Related Reading:

Affirmation, and it feels so good. - Reclaiming friendship lost, when you break up with someone your friends didn't like.

Guy advice needed????? - Torn between two lovers.

Don't Know What To Do - His friends don't like her, and they're mean to her! But by the end of the post, this awesome blogger *has* decided what to do.

Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.