Wedding Phobia: When Every Little Girl's Dream is your Personal Nightmare.
by Liz Rizzo

Father of the Bride came out in 1991, and I have to say that it's probably around that time that my wedding phobia began. Because while it's a movie and it's certainly exaggerated, it did represent a way of life that many of my soon-to-be-married-off, South Florida friends had. And I did not.

When I got engaged, I actually thought to myself, at least I can get this hell over with. I wanted things my friends had, I wanted to fake like my family was like theirs, and if it took tears and groveling, so be it.

In the end, the sheer weight of the dysfunction coming from all sides finally woke me up and sent me on a path that went all the way to Los Angeles. Where I am still someone with no money for a wedding. Only now even more so, because I used the money that the tears got me the first time to help get me this far in life.

So a lot of my wedding phobia has to do with money. I feel embarrassed and stressed out that my boyfriend might someday want a wedding that I can't afford my half of. So deep is my dismay that it almost kept me from dating at all so that I would never have to deal with it. Whenever I'm single, I'm actually relieved of the stress of it, and it was always part of my thought process about whether or not I really wanted to be dating.

"Hey, can we just elope? 'Cause BTW I don't have any money for a wedding," is not really first date conversation.

Ironically, the ceremony is really important to me. I do want to get married with my important people around me to witness. I think public vows, and the support and blessings of a community, are really, really important.

But the wedding price tag is absurd. And you simply can't have what's perceived as a standard wedding for like $5,000 - which is already a lot of money! It doesn't make sense to me - Surely I could throw a party for $5,000, so why not a wedding? Not that I even have $5,000 without the help of Citibank.

Maybe I would feel different if I had money; I don't know. I know the thought of dealing with people being aghast at my inexpensive wedding makes me sick to my stomach.

But it's other stuff, too. I know from the first time that it's like suddenly being dropped in patriarchyland where I'm supposed to have been dreaming since I was five about wedding planning hell like it's snow cones and candy canes. Where women attend wedding fairs and do 95% of the wedding work like I've been just dying for a career in event planning and have nothing else to spend my time on. Where anyone is going to actually think I would change my name or get married in a church.

I think I'm giving myself hives.

Look, I know and I have told myself that you have to cross these bridges when you come to them. I read Offbeat Bride, and I know that there are a million ways to have a fun, alternative wedding without going completely crazy. That you face the inevitable wedding stresses together and do the best you can. When it comes down to it, me and mine will figure it out. I know it's ridiculous to be stressing out about it for years and years when it's not even an issue - And believe me, this is a phobia I carry with me, and have for a very long time.

I truly believe that some (just some) people who say they "don't need/want to get married," are partially saying that because they can't afford a wedding. Heck, I was practically ready to not date because I can't afford a wedding. Which is really sucky.

But I know I have to have faith in love and believe that what a wedding really is about will happen for me. Somehow.

~

The Blogosphere Writes:

Weddings in Kenya - Personal observations on weddings in Kenya from Jamie Ya Kenya.

Why Can't We Dress Like This? - Totally cute post about dressing kids for a wedding from Raising Five.

Here Comes the Bride: Part II - Dude, her blog is called Vodka & Fairybread, which rocks, as does this post about wedding phobia.

~


Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo (view blog) on Thu, 04/17/2008 - 01:29

Comments

 

i never wanted the whole

i never wanted the whole wedding palava.  i wanted church, hubby, family, friends... and good food.  the stress of the whole wedding industry really, really bothered me.

we were engaged for about a year and a half.  and we made our first joint bank account to pay for the wedding. it worked.  i spent a lot of time saying 'i don't care about ... ' cars, DJs, ribbons for pews.  and being irritated by people who told us we'd left things really late, even 12 months in advance.  in the end, my parents sneakily paid for things that they cared about more than me. but mostly it went according to plan, and everybody had a great time.

 my favourite tip to avoid wedding nightmares?  AVOID THE P WORD - 'PERFECT'.

 

Submitted by kazari on Thu, 04/17/2008 - 01:10
 

Avoid the "P" word!

Love that!

Yeah, that's the most annoying thing, how you're swept up into a world of clerks who act like there's only one way - most expensive way - to do everything. And if you don't do it that way you should be ashamed or embarrassed. 

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo on Thu, 04/17/2008 - 06:39
 

While I do sympathize with

While I do sympathize with what you're saying, I disagree completely with the fact that you can't have a nice wedding for $5,000.  I had a nice wedding and honeymoon for $6,000.  (And actually, once it was all over with, I kind of wished we had made things even simpler--which would have saved even more money!)

It's all about being creative, focusing on what you really want, and doing some legwork on your own. 

 

www.mybitofearth.net

Submitted by blackbird13 on Thu, 04/17/2008 - 08:22
 

The $6,000 wedding.

Of course, you're right. Over on my personal blog I just had a comment exchange about really nice $500 weddings! 

It's just stressful and intimidating when you attend these big weddings that definitely cost over $10K.

Plus, I live in L.A., and I suspect it's difficult to even find a place to have a wedding that's remotely affordable for even 30 people - Not that I've actually looked!

Better to actually cross that bridge when I come to it, but I'm thinking BBQ at Griffith Park? 

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo on Thu, 04/17/2008 - 10:08
 

One of the best weddings I ever attended

Was in LA, in a park (not Griffith, maybe Echo) officiated by an artist ordained online, entertainment by a couple of friends who played guitar & a Casio keyboard and catering provided by some tasty takeout.

Although it was simple and inexpensive it was beautiful and memorable mostly because of the love and friendship that day.

And I am completely judgmental of anyone who tries to lay a guilt trip on someone because they choose not to go into debt for a wedding.

Beyond Help

Submitted by Maria Niles on Thu, 04/17/2008 - 10:26
 

There's hope!

Thank goodness for public parks, perhaps. 

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo on Thu, 04/17/2008 - 10:30
 

The relationship makes the wedding, no matter
how big.

NPR has that series, "This I Believe," and having been in several weddings, a few serious relationships and attended scores more, THIS I BELIEVE.

People who go berserk to the point of severe emotional stress over wedding planning seem to be caught up in something so different than the reasons for the celebration. If they want to do that, cool - more power to them. I only object when it spills over and upsets other people (i.e., bridesmaids, hello, as I am the "always that and never the bride" person...;)), or puts them in a position to spend too much money for their budget. Some of the lowest-budget weddings I've been to have been the best, for the more relaxed atmosphere, the couple's spirit that went into it, or the obvious evidence that they were doing this because they really wanted to. OF COURSE people in love can have expensive weddings too, but if you can't I believe you can still have a nice one. A friend of mine got married at the courthouse last spring and had a dinner later for a group in a private room at Maggiano's. No dancing, just good food and an open bar. And they were so, so happy that it was perfect for them and for the people who felt honored to be included in a group of 50 on a special day. I'd totally need music, but the point is that whatever works for you should be cool for your guests who really should care about you. 

That said, people who put stress on engaged couples to do this, that or the other really tick me off. A friend of mine's mother-in-law to be and her sister both harassed her to change her date multiple times - so they could use their frequent flier miles to come.  I'm talking multiple date switches, and her trying to please  until everything blew up. Yuck.

Like Maria, my favorite wedding I attended - aesthetically speaking - was in the fall in a park in Ohio (the Dayton area had a bunch of affordable places of that type, all really pretty.) This couple was pretty much broke but had some help from their parents. They got baskets of mums in deep scarlet and gold and hung them up, the attendants wore dresses of their choosing in the same color scheme...very nice.  Our weather is such here on the east coast that planning outdoors is a major gamble, but there are options indoors too that can be found (I like the idea of museum/library spaces, personally, but I've never been to a wedding in one of those.)

Laurie

LaurieWrites 

Submitted by lauriewrites on Thu, 04/17/2008 - 10:53
 

The marriage is more important than the
wedding

I completely agree with Laurie and Maria, and I too have a story to share. :)

My best friend got married in her parents' backyard. There was almost no planning involved - we mailed out invitations to around 50 friends, found her a simple, clean-lined white dress, bought a few flower arrangements, and ordered basic appetizers from a local caterer. A friend was in charge of the music. It was inexpensive, intimate and fun.

I had a lavish, expensive wedding that my parents planned b/c they needed to impress their business associates. I didn't especially enjoy my wedding. I think my friend’s wedding was way more romantic, beautiful, and memorable than mine.

Regardless of how you get married, your wedding day is NOT necessarily the happiest day of your life and is certainly not an indicator of how your marriage will be. My wedding left me indifferent, but my relationship with my husband is the most important thing in my life.

Vered DeLeeuw www.momgrind.com

 

Submitted by Vered on Thu, 04/17/2008 - 12:10
 

I am loving the wedding stories!

Makes me feel much better. 

Also, I should probably be clear that I'm not currently planning a wedding! I'm just *so* wedding phobic that I have to stress out about it when it's not even currently an issue.

;)

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo on Thu, 04/17/2008 - 16:45
 

The Wedding Industrial Complex

It's not surprising people freak out about weddings, there's SO MUCH PRESSURE to have a wedding that is Just So.

Poppycock. Look away from the magazine rack!

We jetted off to Hawaii and got married on the beach with two witnesses, and then spent 10 days swanning about the beaches. Total cost? WELL under 5k. I asked Mr. some time later if he ever wishes we'd gone the more traditional route. "What we did was special," he said. Awwww.

I'm watching two friends plan a wedding for this July and they are sacrificing like crazy on what they'd really like to do - fix their house, go to Paris, buy a new car - so they can have a Wedding, capital W. It's insane. The stress is making them fight all the time, they have no perspective, and hey, just as a bonus, they're driving their friends that love them CRAZY.

There's no need for any of that - it's all because they're roped into the Wedding Industrial Complex that says you have to have and if you don't have your wedding will be spoiled.

Look away, look away, look away and imagine something else. You can totally make that happen when the time comes and if you make it YOUR wedding, not some shiny commercial vision of what a wedding is supposed to be, it will be just about perfect. 

 

 

Nerd's Eye View

Submitted by Pam on Thu, 04/17/2008 - 19:39
 

Weddings...oy...

It sucks that some people might decide not to get married, or put themselves crazy-in-debt, because they feel like they have to have the kind of wedding that pleases their friends and family.  However, ff you want a certain type of wedding because it's what YOU want, then that's all good (keeping within financial constraints, of course).  If I really wanted to get married, I'd have no problem eloping or having a simple ceremony if I didn't want to spend a lot of money.

Personal blog: Keep Up With Me

BlogHer blog: Life - Singles

Submitted by Zandria on Fri, 04/18/2008 - 12:52
 

Well Said!

Those glossy bridal magazines the size of bricks really put a lot of pressure on brides. I got married last June and we didn't have much money but still managed to have a nice wedding. It  really should be about the two of you and your families and friends, not about how fancy a party you can throw! I'm all for unique and offbeat weddings-the cookie cutter ones the mags say all brides should have are boring!

My Blog: http://wedding-tip.com

Submitted by Sue Walsh on Mon, 04/21/2008 - 19:46