This Week on Backtalk: Family Size

Ohh that made me cry!  You sound like a lovely mama. 

We only have one child too -- I would love to have another one but my husband doesn't want to ... so it's a totally different situation from you, but it's hard for me when people ask about it.

My personal blog: http://www.ontheverge.tv

My other labor of love: http://www.bettyconfidential.com

and thinking back to the 'tween years.

Our eldest did mention having a sibling a few times, but we pretty much deflected it away.

Why I write is not on that element, but what happened when our second was on the way. Some kid in her class told her we would not love her as much once the youngun was born, that we would ignore her.

And that little seed showed a few times subsequently. That was the heartbreaking part for us, because we loved her - love her - so damn much, and they both drew our love and attention equally.

Thinking back now, was the other child reacting to circumstance or repeating general adult conversation? I surely prefer the latter than to think some child truly experienced such things.  

llhaesa ( http://llhaesa.org/ )

I've explained the circumstances around my reproductive issues and early hysterectomy to her, and she gets the biological part, but now she's lobbying for adoption, which is also not something we can do at this point, for various reasons.

So while I can pretty much handle the graceless questions and pitying looks of those with a houseful of children, what kills me are the questions and comments addressed to my very young daughter.  "Wouldn't you like to have a little brother or sister?"  YES. Yes, she would.  STOP TALKING TO HER AS IF IT'S JUST THE SELFISHNESS AND CRUELTY OF HER PARENTS THAT PREVENT THIS.  We would LOVE for her to have siblings--my own sister is the greatest relationship I could imagine--it just wasn't in the cards for us.

Sometimes I think it would be easier if this was a choice we'd made, because then I'd have all these reasons that I considered, and decided against, more children.  But I didn't.  This is just what I was given, and I'm mightily grateful for it.

Belinda ( http://www.ninjapoodles.com )

That would leave me seriously grouchy.

They need to understand what 'my life, my body, my business' means.

*hugs* 

llhaesa ( http://llhaesa.org/ )

Going along with how people think it's their business as to whether or not you have children/how many, I find it interesting that people want to butt in on decisions about whether or not to have your tubes tied.

When I found out I was pregnant with my second daughter, I knew it was time to be done with it. I've always wanted 2 little girls and that's it. I feel like I can comfortably take care of (and spoil effectively!) two children, but any more than that is beyond my comfort zone. 

However, I constantly had to defend my decision to get my tubes tied. My in-laws are still upset with me over it. But I was (and am) confident in my choice depsite what my critics might say. I understand the viewpoints, but at the same time no one took the time to try to understand mine. 

I've talked on this issue for a long time (Denise will vouch for me on this) and try to point out when people say these things that their words carry the potential for angst.

I'm a parent, but not a mom; I can never be a mom, and yeah, in weak moments that can seriously get me right here... I doubt anyone would say directly, 'nelle, don't you feel awful you cannot be a mom?' Yet so long as the speaker is blissfully ignorant of what another faces, it is apparently all right to say this stuff.

No, not really. 

llhaesa ( http://llhaesa.org/ )

It makes me laugh how it is deemed perfectly acceptable for complete strangers to comment on mine and my husband's sex life, yet I'd be considered terribly rude if I were to insist on knowing how much money they had in their bank account. 

Tania at Larger Family Life ( http://www.largerfamilylife.com )

AMEN edj!

For six years I was a single parent to my only son. During that time, people would forever ask me "oooh, you have just one, don't you want another one just like him?" Little realizing that my heart was breaking in all kinds of ways about just having the one child. Now I'm in a situation a lot like Lindsay's ( http://www.facebook.com/pages/BlogHer-Backtalk/789... ) where I'm regularly told my eight-year-old stepson looks just like me. I just smile brightly, say thanks, and he and I wink at each other.

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder ( http://www.blogher.com/member/lisa-stone )
Surfette ( http://surfette.typepad.com )

BlogHer is non-partisan but our bloggers aren't! Follow our coverage of Politics & News ( http://www.blogher.com/topic/politics-news ).

Where I grew up, my family of six (there were four kids, me and my sibs) was viewed as small. The average size was much more like 7-8 children. So I always thought I'd end up with 4-5 and find three wonderful if small. :)

I'll have to go read your post -- thanks for the link.

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder ( http://www.blogher.com/member/lisa-stone )
Surfette ( http://surfette.typepad.com )

BlogHer is non-partisan but our bloggers aren't! Follow our coverage of Politics & News ( http://www.blogher.com/topic/politics-news ).

We were married 5 years before we had our first; I got scolded by some people for not having children.

Same with us, five years before our first, though it was almost 8 before our second. The comments bothered me then; they bother me when I hear it said to others now.

llhaesa ( http://llhaesa.org/ )

It's always amazing to me that people think it's any of their business whether or not someone else has children or how many. I would have to know someone really well to even discuss the matter, unless they brought it up first. Yet people have commented on my choices, which are not that incredible. We were married 5 years before we had our first; I got scolded by some people for not having children. Then we had 3 in 2 years! More scoldings, although from the other end of the religious/political spectrum. I "loved" having 3 tiny ones and being treated as though I hadn't finished high school. Anyway, I don't mean to ramble. I think a little common courtesy is what's needed. I rejoice in large families and small, and I don't care if you don't have kids either.

I recently wrote a post on my blog ( http://largerfamilylife.blogspot.com/2009/03/what-... ) questioning what the magic number is which turns an "average" sized family into a large one. I am currently expecting my eighth yet do not personally feel as if I've yet stepped into real large family territory just yet.  My husband and I just don't feel as if we have a large family - yet the reactions from others tell us different.

 Tania at Larger Family Life ( http://www.largerfamilylife.com )

I have two kids myself and I have a good friend who has 5. We are both amazing parents and supply loving homes. I don't judge on who has how many or any at all because frankly, it is none of my business. I can say that I wish some people would recognize when it is hurtful or intrusive to say how you feel on the amount of children one should or shouldn't have. It's a preference.

 Mary has a book---I'm excited to read it, thank you for the heads up.

xoox steph

 Totally Together Journal ( http://www.totallytogetherjournal.com/ )

A Year of CrockPotting ( http://www.crockpot365.blogspot.com )

those with no children get comments as well, and it is annoying as all hell. People nagged us when we had none, nagged us after we had one.

My best advice: folks, don't bug people over having kids. 

llhaesa ( http://llhaesa.org/ )