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Sparkle (0)
I had to go to the doctor again, for 2 reasons. First, I was (helpfully) advised at my last appointment to struggle on for a few more weeks then come back and report on how I was doing. And I have now officially struggled enough. And second, I got a prescription for more of my medication at my last appointment. And lost it. So as I was taking the last 2 pills from the box on Thursday night, I figured I had better make an effort to go back, see the doctor and get some more drugs rather than endure a weekend of cold turkey (have done that before - not good. Picking fights with random strangers, yelling in the supermarket, crying at home, intense paranoia. Definitely not recommended to suddenly run out of meds...)
I was told there was a "new, lady doctor" on that morning. Great. My guess - 25, skinny, no kids, sceptical about mental health issues. Turns out she was pretty skinny, though I have no idea about her age or family status (usually if I think they are being really stupid - often - I ask if they have children or have ever suffered from depression. And they usually haven't. And I just nod. Knowingly. Despite not having a medical degree and having failed a biology exam once...) I didn't have to ask this doctor anything because she was GOOD. She totally understod about medication, and therapy, and lack of motivation, and feeling exhausted, and feeling like a waste of space. She asked me actual, real, pertinent questions about what I was doing in therapy and where it was going. She seemed very knowledgable about therapy and the type of medication I am taking.
For me though, the key was that she AGREED with me that living the way I have been this last few months is not acceptable. She did not say I should just keep going and maybe try to exercise (Grrr...) She said we would get it under control. (Wow - an actual promise from a doctor?) She advised me that she would like to give my new dosage a full 8 weeks (it has been about 5 so far) before we consider other medication options. So she asked me to make sure to come back (I'm used to that) but firstly to come back in 2 weeks if there is no significant improvement so she can run some blood tests and rule out any other issues. She also encouraged me that I seem to be doing better than my notes indicate that I was doing at previous appointments (she had READ the notes!)
She also told me that I should give myself a pat on the back for being up early, dressed, wearing make-up, been in work already, and being able to explain my situation to her so articulately. HUH? I was gobsmacked. She said I seemed to have very high standards, put myself under a lot of pressure, and be exremely hard on myself. This woman had spoken to me for 15 minutes - I have had psychiatrists and psychologists in the past take months to figure out that much about me.
Of course, I couldn't let the side down. She is still, after all, one of THEM. So I told her that was all very well, but did she know that I had 11 voicemail messages to return and a pile of emails to answer? She said that was fine. Just return 1 call today and reply to 1 email. And congratulate myself after I had done so. The other 10 callers won't die, won't sue me, won't put me out of business, won't harm me in any way. But putting myself under pressure to speak to them could significantly harm me because of the nature of the beast we are dealing with (not sure if she meant the depression or me, but I let her go on...). Take little baby steps, she said.
I was beat. She was telling me things I had heard before, but saying them in a way that engaged me and that made me feel I could do it. Usually I panic about the unreturned calls and the unanswered emails. But something about her made me not panic at all. So I thanked her and left. And on my way out I told the receptionist that she was the best doctor I had seen in my whole time with this
