What Annoys Me Most About Gwyneth Paltrow
Celebrities name their kids weird shit -- Fifi Trixabelle, Jermajesty, Kal-El -- that’s a given. So when Gwyneth and the Coldplay dude named their spawn after a Golden Delicious, I thought “good thing there’ll be plenty of money for therapy” and moved on.
I assumed Gwynie was leading a busy, busy life, had forgotten she was nine months pregnant, then went into labor one day after a grueling Pilates Reformer workout. Realizing she’d neglected to select a name for the child, she rifled through her gym bag looking for inspiration. It was either Kale Chips or Apple, and she flipped a coin. (It’s a little known fact that if Apple had a twin, she would have been named Master Cleanse.)
So what bothers me most about Gwyneth? It’s not just that she named her girl after a piece of fruit, it’s that she then named her son Moses.
Talk about having unequal expectations for your two kids:
- Apples can freshen your breath; Moses can part the Red Sea.
- Apples have seeds and a stem; Moses has The Ten Commandments handed to him from God.
I just don’t understand her thought process. She looks down at her newborn daughter’s downy head and thinks “I should name her after a crunchy, totally awesome snack, but I really hate almonds.” Then she gives birth to a son and is all “he could lead people into the holy land.”
“C’mon, Mose, you owe me... mom always loved you best.”