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Psychologist and author Harriett Lerner, who knows something about emotional intelligence, describes intimacy being deeply connected to another person. Lerner says, “It is through our intimate relationships that we discover who we are and it is through our intimate relationships where the totality of our self is evoked.”
We’ve all known the deep pleasure of feeling loved for who we really are, of being seen without pretence, and connecting deeply and authentically with another person. But having had those wonderful experiences doesn’t mean we always feel that way. Even with people we love, who love us in return, maintaining real intimacy can be hard—and reach out to new people and becoming truly intimate with them can seem unpredictable and impossible.
So, when your feelings of closeness-to a partner, a lover, a family member, or a friend—hit the skids, what can you do to get the intimacy flowing again and grow closer? Or, to put it another way, who are the roadblocks to intimacy in your life, and how do you get over them?
For me, there’s a set of issues that often get in the way, and one first step is to ask myself if any of them are a factor. Am I:
- Wanting this person to fill a role in my life, or act out a script, that fails to reflect what they want or doesn’t reflect the actual situation?
- Trying to use a shortcut to get more out of this relationship than perhaps I’ve put in?
- Afraid of becoming closer to this person, or of what might happen if I gave them what they were asking for?
- Listening to warning sounds that say this person isn’t being honest, or trustworthy?
- Not addressing something I’ve done wrong, or a way I’ve hurt this person, that is in the way of our closeness? (Or not articulating something this person has done to me?)
- Projecting feelings from a past relationship or experience into this one (aka baggage)?
- Not admitting to myself that while I might feel I should be close to this person, the reality is that I just don’t care that much, or that what once was deep closeness has faded away?
- Needing to accept that maybe the other person no longer feels close to me, doesn’t care that much, and so on?
I understand the list of what constitutes potential roadblocks to intimacy could go on and on, so I’m going to stop listing and talk about some of these issues—observations and advice here are completely out of personal experience, mind you, but heck, I have lived through lots of these things (and try not to make the same mistakes over and over).
So, without further ado, some of the roadblocks, and things to think about. Not that two basic premises for all of them are a) being able to talk to yourself and be honest about your own actions and feelings, and b) being able to have an emotionally honest, reflective conversation with another without either one of you wigging out.
Problem: Are you short cutting in the relationship?
One of my close friends was in a relationship recently with someone she thought she should be with for the long haul. By date #6, Marcy & Ben had decided they were perfect for one another and should make a commitment to working things out. By date #23, Ben was becoming distant, acting ambivalent, and worrying about his sexual performance. Things were NOT mellow. Marcy was so committed to making things work, she kinda failed to notice Ben didn’t feel the same way—till she told him they should go to a couples counselor together and got a big angry “No.”
What Marcy had failed to notice, since she was so eager to make things work with Ben, was that they just hadn’t built the depth of relationship to make the promise they’d stick in there to work things out ring true. IMHO, Marcy was so eager to turn Ben into “The One” she short cut a bunch of intimacy-building steps—and then got to watch her Chosen back out fast when there were some challenges.
Problem: Is it intimacy you’re afraid of?
The big challenge I have in my relationship with A is that his idea of partnership is so different than what I had with my ex-husband. A not only wants to be really connected as people, he wants us to be life partners in a way, at first, I found really scary and threatening. And a whole lot more connected.
It was pretty humbling to recognize that I was
