What constitutes sexual harrassment? Confessions of a woman who can finally admit that she experienced it
by Jory Des Jardins

I don't ask people to agree with my assessment of what constitutes sexual harassment, only to consider in any situation at work, what is the intention behind their words? Is it to demean or make someone uncomfortable? Is it to put someone in their place? Is it to curry favor, or diminish?

I'm curious to know other forms of harassment, or ways we experience silent hands, pushing us down. We are so familiar with the sadly-stereotypical hand-on-the-thigh-type incidents that we don't recognize some of the more insidious forms of harrassment. I welcome your comments and plan to follow-up with another piece integrating the stories I hear.

Here's my story: I had a colleague several years ago that I liked some of the time. During down times at the office I learned that he was passionate about surfing and extreme sports. He was renovating his house, and he had worked his way up the ladder to a management position by sheer savvy. He had a talent with customers and could craft solutions on the fly. When he liked your idea he bragged about you to everyone in the company. And when he liked your outfit, he said, "you look great!" in a way that was non-sexual. He appreciated style.

For a long time I tried to remember this side of my former colleague, but what really sticks in my mind are the negatives--he often went AWOL on business trips and no one could call or email him--he simply disappeared. When he felt pressure at the office he laid in to you, or "lost it". He often pitted colleagues against each other, sharing with one that someone else was going to get canned, or that someone had fallen on his bad side, and you had an unspoken choice of being on his side or experiencing a similar wrath. Our team was off-balance, torn between confiding in each other or the possibility of losing our jobs.

All of these things in themselves are lousy attributes in a leader, but the incident that cemented my terminal dislike occurred on a business trip, when I was out to dinner with three male colleagues including him. Our group assistant, a woman, had gone over the heads of the two male department heads and asked about getting a promotion. I later spoke to this woman and learned that, while her actions were clumsy, she didn't feel like she had a choice. She had been promised a promotion before the two male heads had been hired to lead the department, and the woman she implored, who was their boss, had been with the company long enough to know about this promise.

Instead of supporting our assistant, the female executive told the two male heads, in effect, her henchmen, about the conversation. Both of them were livid and full of piss and vinegar during our dinner.

I felt torn: I believed that our assistant deserved a promotion and was bravely trying to salvage what was promised her. I didn't agree with my male colleagues but couldn't quite defend her, either.

"What she did was stupid, but don't fire her for it." I said.

Almost immediately the maelstrom of anger was turned on me. Looking back, I think it was a combination of my colleague's hurt pride and the glasses of expensive wine we were all drinking. But suddenly I was asked if I wanted my job. I realized things were coming to a point of potentially permanent damage, but I felt strongly about how poorly this woman was being treated.

I don't remember exactly how I responded, but I said something to the effect of "If you're about to fire me, then so be it." At this comment my colleague was really enraged. He then said something so completely out of the blue that it brought tears to my eyes. I can't even remember the exact wording because of how sexually violent and humiliating it was. Something about how he could be asking me to perform fellacio on my male colleague (the poor, uncomfortable peer of mine sitting to my left) if he wanted to, but, bless his soul, he didn't ask those things of me, and, yet, I had the nerve to question him? Of course it didn't quite come out this clinically.

The poor guy who's anatomy was unceremoniously brought into the conversation walked me back to my hotel, embarrassed that he had even witnessed this humiliation--his and mine. He had kept his mouth shut the whole time, and I don't blame him for this. We both had felt sideswiped and confused.

All of the dramatics from that night were supposedly forgotten. I kept my job, which was a smart move by these folks. But I pondered whether I was selling myself out by keeping it. I was still trying to define what had happened.

"You were sexually harrassed," a female co-worker I'd confided in said to me. Hearing her say this I wanted to shut her up. "Sexual harassment" is a term I'd applied to women who received advances from colleages, not screamed insults using the male C-word. Just adding the word "sexual" to the abuse made me feel like a Cassandra, a whistle-blower, even though I hadn't reported the incident. I was more afraid of what that term, if the incident were made public, would invoke in the minds of colleagues: that I'd asked for this treatment? That I couldn't handle a few remarks? That I couldn't be treated like one of the guys?

In the past, I'd heard of these more nebulous forms of sexual harassment--fawning from a male peer, a dirty joke told in the presence of female colleagues, the mention of a pubic hair on a Coke can--and thought, it's nice to know that women in the workplace have rights, but c'mon! Get over it! We can't make men feel like prisoners in a PC cage. But after the dinner incident I saw a flipside to the debate: Sure some of these incidents are harmless, but my colleague had used this language as a substitute for violence. He used such a crass image to verbally smack me in the mouth. To shut me up. I suppose he referred to my other colleague's private parts to prevent any possible accusation that he'd suggested sexual acts done on him. He changed the rules of engagement to a place where I couldn't go, so that he could ultimately win the argument. Granted, it was a cheap win, but it was a win in that he stopped me cold.

Now that I manage mostly women in an organization for women, the thought of what transpired, and what I put up with, makes me physically ill. The thought of this former colleague possibly calling me, while maybe a friendly act, made me ill. I think of the language I use in the office, with male and female colleagues, and edit myself not for political correctness but for intention.

Submitted by Jory Des Jardins (view blog) on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 10:22

Comments

 

I was let go from a job

I was let go from a job while I was on maternity leave (one year federally subsidized in Canada), and replaced by someone who was older, but female.

I had to think about what it meant to be discriminated against, because it wasn't that I was being replaced by a male. I was being replaced by a woman, but definitely a woman who wouldnt' be troubling anyone with a maternity leave anytime soon (unless there was a star shining in the east and/or reproduction became something you could do post-menopausally).

Because of their history of shoddy treatment of their staff, because they handled my dismissal so badly and because I gave birth to a daughter (which made me think about their act in terms of what it would mean to other women, most especially my child), I took them to the human rights commission. I stated that I'd been discriminated against, based on both my gender, and my age.

I won. Not a large settlement, because that wasn't what I was after. But I did force them to be on record and accountable.

The feeling of being a whistle blower was strong. It was what I fought against. I didn't want to be a boat rocker. I didn't want to be a problem. I didn't want to be the Angry Feminist.

Made me realize that few people actually do want that role.

What I thought was interesting about it was that I didn't do it for myself. I couldn't possibly have faced the potential censure for myself. But for my daughter? For other women?

That made it easier, somehow.

Submitted by Wyliekat on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 07:48
 

Pretty brave, Wyliekat

Age/gender discrimination can be REALLY hard to prove. I wonder how you managed to pull out an admonition. And you prove the point that most women aren't screaming discrimination as a means of making $$$. 

 

 

Jory Des Jardins
BlogHer
Personal Blog Pause

Submitted by Jory Des Jardins on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 17:03
 

I always think of bravery as

I always think of bravery as something that doesn't come along with the sickening fear of being exposed. And I definitely felt the latter.

I actually thought I'd have a much bigger battle than I did. They seemed willing to settle, so proof was never an issue (though I was warned against taking it further, because of that exact problem).

Truth is, I didn't want the money at all, but when you go back to the organization with a complaint, you have to ask for something. What I really wanted was for a few key people to recieve an education about equality in the workplace. That was a part of my request from them.

They refused that, but came back with a number (monetary).

I felt dirty taking the money, to be honest. It wasn't what I wanted. I wanted them to have to sit down and hear precisely how backward they were/are.

But then I remind myself that the pocketbook is precisely where they'd feel the impact and more importantly, they'd have to justify that cost to their board - being forced to be accountable to those people was something, at least.

 

Submitted by Wyliekat on Wed, 05/28/2008 - 06:23
 

Wow

"my colleague had used this language as a substitute for violence. He used such a crass image to verbally smack me in the mouth. To shut me up." That's exactly what he did. I feel sick just reading your story.

I faced a more "mainstream" type of sexual harassment - the kind that "put me in my place". My boss used to call me "sweetie". Male lawyers (I used to be an attorney) would often make comments on my physical appearance. It wasn't as blunt or as insulting as what you went through, but the message was clear: I was diminished into a "cute little thing" and was not taken seriously. Just like countless other women, I had to be smarter, wittier, tougher, BETTER than any of the male young lawyers in order to be taken seriously.

Vered DeLeeuw
www.momgrind.com

Submitted by Vered on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 08:15
 

Thanks Vered...

...for another example of the more insidious forms. It's tougher to call these out, and this may even be learned behavior from less experienced colleagues who think this is how to generate collegial relationships. I once sat at a table with all men during a dinner business meeting, and I was the only one carded.  It was embarrassing! Right off the bat, being singled out as young or female un-levels the playing field when you are in a business situation.

 

 

Jory Des Jardins
BlogHer
Personal Blog Pause

Submitted by Jory Des Jardins on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 17:19
 

Same words as Vered resonate for me

Jory - this ("my colleague had used this language as a substitute for violence. He
used such a crass image to verbally smack me in the mouth. To shut me
up.") is happening to me on a listserv in which several of the overwhelmingly male participants refuse to acknowledge the existence of sexism let alone the extent to which sexual harassment exists.

And I've really struggled with how to respond. The next time such an incident crops up or is brewing, I'm going to come back here for a reminder.

And I guess I would ask, in general, if you have any suggestions for how to manage it in the online world? 

Jill
Writes Like She Talks

Submitted by Jill Miller Zimon on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 08:28
 

Too many stories like this

Yet, so many refuse to see instances like this as sexual harrassment because it wasn't a "pass" or unwanted invitation.  In a way, this behavior is even worse -- using the violent aspect of this comments to try to put you in your place.

Unfortunately, I've been there and it is scary for so many reasons.

PunditMom, Contributing Editor, Politics & News

Also at MOMocrats & The Huffington Post 

Submitted by PunditMom on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 10:43
 

Guidelines

Has BlogHer in the past or would it consider in the future, with all the great minds here, provided or tried to build guidelines or advice for how to handle not so much cyberstalking or cyberbullying, but this particular brand of harassment?

For example, many of us either initiate or enter into engaging in political conversation that can get very heated and can though not always devolve into subtle and not so subtle sexist styles of shushing - what's recommended? What works?

I know my "defenders" often wish that I didn't disengage but rather that I'd "fight back" but I often see that as a way that only escalates things and I don't know how to remain in my "wont be not nice" zone and still stay engaged, so I disengage.

Any thought on this? 

Jill
Writes Like She Talks

Submitted by Jill Miller Zimon on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 11:10
 

So you've just inspired a post, Jill

We don't have legal recourse for much of this stuff--after all you don't WORK with these folks--so how can you enforce good behavior? This harks back to last March/April, when Kathy Sierra quit blogging because of the sexually violent comments that were collecting on a group blog. Folks like Tim O'Reilly and the New York Times evoked BlogHer's code of civil disagreement as a standard to follow, vs. the alternative of enforcing a standard across the Web, which I couldn't really imagine how to enforce. I've heard everything from "fight fire with fire" to "stop engaging", both of which I don't totally agree with. The first means stooping to a low standard, and the second means you've been shut up. I believe in something in the middle, inspired by the authors who wrote Made to Stick, which they wrote up recently in a Fast Comany column: avoid re-enforcing the bad behavior by not responding to it. Just keep going with your commentary, and if someone lays in, ignore him. Write another comment that does not respond in any way to his.

 

Check out the column and see what I mean.  

 

 

Jory Des Jardins
BlogHer
Personal Blog Pause

Submitted by Jory Des Jardins on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 17:30
 

Thanks, Jory

I'm not sure if that is the exact link you intended, but I tooled around there and both the magazine and those authors have good advice.

I do remember the Kathy Sierra situation and the whole issue of a blogger code of conduct.  What's so infuriating is that the very bloggers who've always insisted that such a code isn't needed are the ones who are over the line, no suprise.

So which session should I attend to learn more about this topic at BlogHer? :)

Jill
Writes Like She Talks

Submitted by Jill Miller Zimon on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 18:52
 

I helped cover the Anita Hill story

I wrote a bit about the experience last fall, when Justice Thomas was doing a publicity blitz for his memoir. What I did not share at that time was my own experiences of being sexually harassed early in my career. These experiences included being propositioned repeatedly by two of my male supervisors during a summer job in college. It also included difficult experiences with sources with whom I had to have extended contact. One kept asking me to be his mistress. Another actually forced his tongue down my throat on one occasion.

I have female colleagues and friends who have had experiences that are just as graphic. I knew a woman whose manager frequently cursed her and her co-workers by telling them to perform certain sexual practices on him. I've known women who have been groped by colleagues. I could go on.   

Much of this was before 1986, when sexual harassment became illegal. I talk to my students about these incidents because I wish that someone had talked to me. It's important that women are empowered to expose these incidents and to compel employers to enforce the law.

 

Kim
BlogHer Contributing Editor|Professor Kim|

Submitted by Kim Pearson on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 18:13
 

Been there...

I worked with a man who sounds almost exactly like your collegue.  He was a very abusive man and turned what was once a pleasant small office into a toxic workplace. It's been 5 years since I left, but I still feel bad for not having the guts to speak up.

 

 Wedding-Tips Blog

Submitted by Sue Walsh on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 18:44
 

Just plain violent, with an extra evil twist

This episode says a lot about the immaturity and probable insecurity of the man who felt he needed to "brag" in both violent and sexual terms about the amount of power he thought he held over you. He could very easily have said something similar to your male colleague if he had angered him. I have heard this kind of behavior referred to as "my d... is bigger than yours," (so therefore shut up and know your place) although this is quite extreme. This is the kind of guy you avoid in social situations, esp when alcohol is involved. I've witnessed a milder form of this in social/work situations. It is truly ugly, and embarassing to all.

Linda http://www.moonbridgebooks.com http://moonbridgeblog.blogspot.com

Submitted by leaustin on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 20:09
 

Beyond harassment. It's abuse

Bullying, abuse, verbal assault, all that.  I worked for a man like that for 11 years. He called me his 'partner' when he liked me, and all sorts of other names when he didn't.  He was big, and burly and strong and he brought his presence into my space along with his big deep booming voice and words like the ones you described when he wasn't.

 Leaving that situation was more difficult than leaving my first marriage, because they want you to feel dependent, helpless, utterly at their mercy.  

What men don't understand (and I've seen some women do it too, btw) is that they don't have to proposition a woman to harass her.  Threatening words, tone, physical space-taking are harassment, too, and often that's more harassing than a pass. 

 

karoli

odd time signatures (life)
bang the drum (politics)

Submitted by Karoli on Tue, 05/27/2008 - 23:38
 

Great post, Jory

Marginalized, controlled, demeaned--your colleague went over the line in so many ways,

Susan Mernit, Susan Mernit's Blog

follow me on twitter: twitter/susanmernit

friendfeed: friendfeed.com/smernit

Submitted by susan mernit on Wed, 05/28/2008 - 09:26
 

He killed two birds with one stone

I think there's more to why he chose to suggest that you engage with that other guy rather than him. It also demeaned that worker and showed him who is boss; that he is not one to be crossed. It is just so insidious, like the two of you were his chattel and to be abased at his command. Horrific and truly evil.

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants

Submitted by Suzanne Reisman on Thu, 05/29/2008 - 13:54
 

I have had a similar situation happen

I had a boss that was a lot like this guy. He was toxic to everyone, always threatening termination, pitting one against the other, sharing bad thoughts about other employees. It did not help that he is a male boss over nothing but females. He would make a lot of sexist jokes and a lot of inapproprate jokes, but we all felt like- ok we can joke around here. He actually used the words "Know your place" and "you are a very...opinionated and outspoken female...and I don't really like that" - and it had nothing to do with work- because I asked him. I made a mistake at work, which really was NOT my fault at all, and I was fired for it because I went over his head the week before to complain about his behaviors and the unprofessional way he was talking to me/at me. It could have been a situation that could have been "well, keep your eyes open next time"- but no, he was smiling like he won when he fired me. And it let the others know not to complain as well. It was a situation where I could have gotten unemployment, but he was in charge of fighting it- and he did. I swear he lied to get my unemployment denied... but it is hard to prove. I would do something- but with my track record, I would spend thousands of dollars I don't have to have my rear end handed to me- because it wasn't blatent- and more than likely no one would speak up for me out of fear for their own jobs. I am so upset because I was fired in a terrible time. There are no jobs where I am- and I have no money to move. I have no unemployment and no college or adiquite experiance. There were several times I felt sexually harrassed while there- but anything I say will come off as "disgruntaled ex employee" and my ex boss already told the other girls "DO NOT TALK TO HER- I know I can't keep you from calling after hours- but if you converse with her - it's bad for the company" (aka bad for you) I feel there is nothing I can do- I would love to see him fired and in the same situation I am. (however he is a boy that "daddy got me everything" even his job as boss there-- so it would not even work out) - I swear guys like this are evil, horrible, and they get away with it -- and that makes it all the worse!

Submitted by SadieCat on Tue, 06/10/2008 - 23:46
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