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I keep hearing that God has a plan for my life. Excuse me, but am I the only Christian who has doubts about what God is thinking or conspiring for my life? Why is it that plans have changed for so many of us? What I mean is, why are so many of us single without wanting to be? Is it REALLY GOD'S plan? Or are we just coming up with spiritual rationalizations for a societal neurosis?
I suppose what God really wants is for me to be faithful to him, no matter what happens--whether I'm single or married, male or female, mother or childless, DINK or SINK, rich or poor, healthy or ill. That means no matter what stupid crap people pull at church, no matter if some men are disrespectful, no matter if I don't have a date Saturday night, no matter if all my church "friends" turn their backs on me-- I should be following Him.
The thing is, I'm horribly bad at it; following God.
I've been asking God for help for years. He doesn't seem to be listening. I've been seeking true love for years, trying to find a meaningful career path, a decent boyfriend, to lose the weight that dogs me, to find greater peace and sanity, a church I want to serve in--a church that accepts my gifting and honors it.
For years I was faithful to God, but I wonder if God has been faithful to me. Has He forgotten about me? I feel like I'm still a child in so many ways--single, no boyfriend (plenty that seem to want to use me as a toy--OK, OK and some that respect me greatly but we aren't dating), no children, trying to find purpose and meaning for my life. I long to sit at the grown-up table and to understand what they are talking about.
The married people at church, pastors included, give bad advice. In fact, they look at us and just don't know what to say. So they tell us that God has called us to singleness because still dating when you are grown up is obviously selfish. We should be serving God like the married people. Even though I'm not married, I should be toiling at home waiting for my prince to call on me. He will come by with the magic glass slipper I left at the charity ball for the Christian organization supporting cancer research that fits only me...Oh wait, that's Cinderella. Or the Prince will come magically knocking on my door while I'm romantically spinning yarn for my knitting (from the lambs I raised and fleeced) by the hearth with the light of the setting sun upon my work--the same light I also use to read my Bible. Except that somehow I missed his call because I pricked my finger on the poisoned needle and fell into a deep sleep... Oh, wait, that sounds like Sleeping Beauty. Or that I'll be reading my Bible by candlight--candles that I made from the tallow I melted down--and while I'm engaged in these spiritual pursuits and taking care of seven dwarfs someone slips me a poisoned apple that...wait, that's Snow White! Or that God will magically provide the right person "when I least expect it." I'll be locked away in my room reading my Bible by candlelight again and a Prince will come by and ask me to let down my hair...oh wait, that's Rapunzel!
Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Rapunzel--the Princes found them while they were sleeping in crystal coffins or locked in a tower, so all is not lost for me. The exception is that brazen Cinderella who had the gumption to go find her prince at the ball--with a little help from her friends--and then left something at his place that he had to figure out who it was and return it. Instead of being angry that she left something, he married her!! Or I could try to transform a Bad Boy into a better man through my unselfish love...oops, that's Beauty and the Beast. Some women still believe that fairy tale. We've gone from kingdom to yuppiedom--certainly I'm easier to find in our modern age than most of those princesses!! "When you least expect it" is the fairy tale of modern yuppiedom.
But you see, I don't expect
