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I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be empowered. It's a question that frequently comes up in discussions about sexuality, sexism, porn, choice, and sex-positivity. I recently ran across this post on the topic by Jennifer Kesler which points out some of the ways in which this word is misunderstood and the effects that can have on how we think about our sexualities.
One of the things that Kesler points out (rightfully, I think) is that the word empowerment has been co-opted by a variety of people and forces that don't have our best interests at heart. Rather than the original definition as "a multi-dimensional social process that helps people gain control over their own lives," it's often used in ways that control, limit, and shame people for their choices. For example, I see a lot of articles and debates online about whether a particular sex act or body modification practice is empowering. I think that highlights how little we understand what power is.
Some Definitions of Power
In Truth or Dare: Encounters with Power, Authority, and Mystery, Starhawk describes three types of power: "power-over," which is domination and control; "power-from-within," or personal ability and spiritual integrity; and "power-with," which has to do with social power or influence among equals. While I think that those are useful definitions, I also find that power-over, power-from-within, and power-with seem like distinct experiences to me. Using the same base word and changing the preposition attached to it masks the fact that they have some fundamental differences.
I much prefer to think of power-over as control or force because that's what it's really about. Power-over is a process of making people do what you want them to do, whether it's what they want or not. There might be a degree of regret or the controller might not care, as long as they get what they want. At its most extreme, this manifests as slavery and rape (among other things).
"Ball and chain" via Shutterstock.
Most of us move through our days navigating these dynamics of control in a variety of ways. One of the mechanisms of privilege is being able to exert more control over others than is exerted over us, though few of us are entirely free from being controlled. And of course, when we have internalized the ways in which we're controlled, we might not even see our chains. When we lack the language to describe them and when we can't imagine any other possibilities, it's much harder to get free of them. Newspeak, the language created by the Party in Orwell's 1984, is the best illustration of that I've ever seen.
This notion of control lines up pretty well with Starhawk's definition of power-over, but I find that the mechanisms of that are very different from power-from-within, or what I think of as empowerment. Empowerment isn't about controlling other people or getting them to do what you want. Instead, it's the ability to respond to their actions in whatever way you choose. It's being able to consider their desires as information that you include in your decision-making process, and then acting in whatever way is most authentic to your own needs, goals, and wants. I also recognize that there are some people whose authentic desires are better left unmet.
Asking the Wrong Question
From this perspective, the question of "are blowjobs / porn / open relationships, etc., empowering?" makes no sense because the empowerment doesn't come from the action. Instead, being empowered means you can make your own choices and then go from there. In many ways, it's a blend of Starkhaw's power-from-within and power-with. First, we figure out what actions will be aligned with our personal integrity and authenticity. Then, we (often) engage in communication and negotiation with another person (or other people) before doing whatever it is we want to do.
For example, if you've been told that giving blowjobs is not acceptable, then choosing to do that can be the result of your empowerment. On the other hand, if you've internalized the idea that you have to give your partner blowjobs, then empowerment could mean that you choose to not do it. In these cases, the actions are very different, even though the underlying processes of empowered decision-making might have been similar.
But the difficulty is that those motivations are often invisible. How can you tell that
