What Every Woman Needs: A Fit and Pretty Vagina!
by Suzanne Reisman

Silly me. Just when I was getting comfortable with my body as it is, the blessed Style section of New York Times reminds me that if I don't engage in "pelvic fitness," my vagina could "become almost scrotal, very wrinkly and lax." Who knew?

Slap the panic button, and hustle your bustle down to the nearest vagina spa near you to prevent this horrific tragedy!

Now, I know what you are thinking: "Vagina spa? What? Why on earth would I take cooter fitness classes or worse, have pussy surgery, to prevent an unsightly vagina when, well, there's nothing wrong with my vagina in the first place, and who really looks at it anyway?!?! And those fortunate enough to be acquainted with my bits should thank me for sharing what I've got. Harumph!" But that's the problem with you and me - we don't fully understand all the womanly things that need improvement. This is why the medical industry invented the term "cosmetogynecology." Yes, cosmetogynecology is the beautification of our plain old vages, which the always hilarious sex columnist Anka Radakovich once described as looking like a hairy roast beef. (This was not derogatory, just an observation.)

Oddly enough, not all women understand that doctors offering cosmetogynecology are just trying to help us! In fact, The Feminist Texican has the nerve to criticize this important, humanitarian practice:

I don’t believe I’ve yet stated my position on the cosmetogynecology being marketed to women these days (hymen reconstruction, labiaplasties, G-spot injections, etc.). Long story short: it’s a fucked up, multi-billion dollar male-dominated industry that preys on women’s insecurities and keeps furthering the goal posts to that ever-elusive standard of female perfection.

Goodness! If the next president doesn't pass some sort of universal beauty health insurance program so that we can ensure that our labias don't turn into old, ugly sacs, I will just give up forever on the possibility of a bright future in this country! I mean, we can already obtain financing so that the cost of plastic surgery doesn't "keep you from the body you deserve", but I'm worried that people like The Feminist Texican (and BlogHer's own contributing editor on pop culture, SJ, who upon hearing of these miracles pretty vaginas noted, "Oh noes, not scrotal! Is this the new insult lobbed at our ladyparts? It's not enough that we are supposed to wax and douche and perfume, but now if we "let ourselves go" we will become...scrotal...as well?") will prevent the rest of us from having the prettiest vaginas possible out of jealousy.

Now don't get me wrong, ladies. I'm not saying that the only important thing in life is to have a non-wrinkly vagina (although obviously that is something I spend hours worrying about), and remember that there are other benefits to doing vaginal exercises like Kegels. Babeland explains:

The PC muscle, short for the pubococcygeal muscle, cradles the internal sexual organs. It runs from the pubic bone to the tailbone in a figure eight around the genitals. Both women and men can benefit sexually from having a well-toned PC muscle; it can enhance your experience of orgasm and improve ejaculatory control, among other things.

The article goes on to outline simple steps that women can do for free to strengthen their vaginas. Of course, we aren't fooled: we know that things that are free are never as good as those that cost lots of money and/or require invasive procedures. Still, I'd be remiss to not the link in case you can't obtain financing to improve the appearance of your vagina. I know we ladies want to spend our hard-earned money (as Female Impersonator reminds us, "white women are still payed 77 cents to every white man's dollar, African-American women are payed 66 cents to a white man's dollar and Latina women earn 53 cents to a white man's dollar) wisely, and what can be more important than investing in a pretty snatch?

You'll have to thank me later for all this information. Now that I've seen the light on vaginal beauty, I have to run off to get my Brazillian wax so I can actually see my labia better (currently, there's just too much pesky pubic hair covering things up, which is why I had no idea how unattractive my vulva really is!- that is probably TMI, sorry...) and monitor it before it turns into a big, ugly, lax, wrinkly scrotum-thing.

Suzanne also blogs about life at Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants and about creating positive social change at Just Cause. Her first book, "Off the Beaten (Subway) Track", will be available at the BlogHer conference in July.

Submitted by Suzanne Reisman (view blog) on Mon, 07/07/2008 - 10:04am

Comments

 

God Knows You Don't Want The Vadge to Become
Lax

Your whole post had me spitting our my coffee.  Thanks for that!

 

 

Yours, Tracy Viselli (a.k.a. Myrna the Minx)

My Company

Reno Fabulous Media: www.renofabulousmedia.com
My Main Blog
Reno and Its Discontents: www.renodiscontent.com

Submitted by myrnatheminx on Mon, 07/07/2008 - 10:32
 

There are spa things at the conference

Maybe we can get them to add special vaginal beautifiers...

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants

Submitted by Suzanne Reisman on Mon, 07/07/2008 - 10:54
 

I find it somehow ironic

I find it somehow ironic that after finally re-growing my snatch after two years of shaving, some doctors and media people bombard me with information about more dumb ways to keep myself "attractive."  First, they're gonna have to convince me to start shaving it again.  Yeah, good luck.

I think it's also interesting that I discovered CUSS right around the time that everything grew back in.  That was kinda cool.

This is What a Feminist Blogs Like

Submitted by earlgreyrooibos on Mon, 07/07/2008 - 11:27
 

What a lovely addition to BlogHer

www.amyinohio.wordpress.com

In between the makeovers and yoga session - I think this would be wonderful.

 

har har 

Submitted by Amy In Ohio on Mon, 07/07/2008 - 12:09
 

Name for My New Spa

I've got it: Snatchtastic!

 I'm just thrilled someone's come up with another thing I need to improve.  If I exercise anything, it's going to be something everyone sees, inlucing me!

Submitted by califmom on Mon, 07/07/2008 - 12:29
 

I'll open a spa too

And I'll call mine Snatchateria.

PS -- my vagina is prettier than yours.
(I'm supposed to feel this way, right??)

The Plain Jane Mom Blog

Try Handmade

Submitted by plainjanemom on Tue, 07/15/2008 - 08:48
 

I haven't laughed that hard in ages

Oh bless you Suzanne - laughed so hard I nearly dropped my laptop onto the floor.  Hysterical!  But, everyone knows a good vagina is nothing without a good pair of balls, so I recommend Smart Balls. (Who would want dumb ones?) And they're plastic, so you can wear them all the way to BlogHer and get all the vagtastic exercise you could ever want. All for $28. 

(In reality, the NY Times writers etc.... are centuries behind the ball here, these have been around for centuries, and we've all been doing kegels for years, just because it's funny to make your pee stop and see if you can do it in rhythm to whatever Muzak is playing in the bathroom. Or wait, is that just me?)  :)

____________

Alyssa Royse

Just Cause It: A Web Site To Save The World

Start Her Up: A Blog for Women Entrepreneurs

Submitted by alyssaroyse on Mon, 07/07/2008 - 13:07
 

Kegels and kugels

Not long ago while I was visited my parents, my mom was sort of standing around while the rest of us were sitting and chatting. I asked her what she was doing, and she said, "Kegels." My bubbe overheard her, and became very excited. "There are many kinds of kugel! There's raisin kugel, there's pineapple kugel..."

We all had a good laugh at that. Nothing like confusing noodle pudding with vaginal strengthening exercises.

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants

Submitted by Suzanne Reisman on Tue, 07/08/2008 - 04:52
 

www.annastevens.livejournal.c

www.annastevens.livejournal.com

www.annasaphiree.deviantart.com

 

LMAO!

 

see if you can do it in rhythm to whatever Muzak is playing in the bathroom.

 I do the same thing.

Submitted by annastevens on Mon, 07/14/2008 - 18:21
 

Oy Vey What Else!

You had me at "NYTimes" and "pelvic fitness"...  Just from that alone I was already squeezing the bejeezus out of my PC's.  Thanks for nothin'.

merlotmom

www.merlotmom.com 

Submitted by merlotmom on Mon, 07/07/2008 - 13:47
 

Here's the deal...

Since I would have to use one hand to shove my sagging boobs over and the other hand to lift my gut out of the way before I could take a peek at my possibly scrotum like girly parts I really think I am comfortable with the unknown.

Submitted by JanMBSC on Mon, 07/07/2008 - 15:01
 

What Will They Think Of Next?

Hi Suzanne,

Very funny post!

I prefer to think of this bold new world in medicine as
cosmetogynecologicalstupidity.

Megan
BlogHer Contributing Editor, TV/YouTube
Megan's Minute
Video Runway

Submitted by Megan Smith on Mon, 07/07/2008 - 18:13
 

cosmetogynecologicalstupidity

Megan, you summed the whole thing up so nicely in that one word!

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants

Submitted by Suzanne Reisman on Tue, 07/08/2008 - 04:48
 

A little late here...

Maybe I'm a little late on the post here.  Cosmetogynecology? I've heard of it and it's ridiculous... is it safe to assume it's a man's fault for triggering some woman's insecurity to actually consent to the notion of altering her labial shape? (Is that how you say it?) And g-spot work? How is that a woman's problem to fix? I'm sorry... I believe that's a man's job. If he isn't hitting it, he's not doing his job right. Why do we have to be concerned with that?

Now about our vaginal appearance... I'm all about avoiding the emergence of some hairy scary monster down there. I know some women prefer a trim, others a shave, maybe a line or even bare (like myself) but is it our natural preference or was there some influence? I live in Miami, FL and it's almost absurd in gym locker rooms or amongst a group of women discussing their monthly maintenance for a woman to not have that Brazilian Wax. You HAVE to have it done or you're GROSS! So I admit, I've done it a few times but not so much for me... my BF at the time. The person who came up with the wax technique must have either been a masochist or a man that could never fathom the fear of potentially having your clitoris peeled off. Do they do scrotum waxes or frenulum peels? Ouch!

Sigh... ok, I'm glad I got that off my chest. It's just a bit bothersome that society has grown to be so influential on a person's privates and that most of us to some degree succumb to such absurdities. I mean Adam didn't have a problem with Eve's nanner-nanner and that was way before BIC Razors were ever invented. Or do you think he would gather tree wax and let the sun melt on her skin as he would peel away with a banana leaf?

Anyway, back to your post... I'm all for Kegels and any pelvic floor exercises or strengthening. So much more than just sexual enhancement but also beneficial in the long term for the so-called golden years. However, did you know that just wearing 3 inch or higher heels for just a few hours a day can also strengthen pelvic floor muscles? Almost gives new meaning to sex with heels on. ("Good-bye Kegels, hello heels?" @ www.shoelosophy.com)

Well, love your blog...sorry for the rant.

Live, Love, Learn & Move Forward!

Submitted by Miss Susy on Thu, 07/17/2008 - 05:58
 

It's never too late!

And pro-women rants are always welcome!

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants

Submitted by Suzanne Reisman on Thu, 07/17/2008 - 21:41
 

Oh wow...

This post now has me looking to see how my vajayjay is looking.  The moment I see it looking scrotal, I swear it; I'm gonna cry and look up "snatch spas" in Google Search.

 

Censorship is the bane of creativity.  Censorship is the bane of personality.

http://crestfallen.nu

Submitted by nyreekage on Tue, 07/22/2008 - 15:37
 

Dang.

I wonder when the plastic surgery industry will explode and women will begin to say "No, we're fine this way! Stop bombarding us with images of women who don't exist [photoshop]!!!"

Advertisers and the like have always played to people's fears, and created fears if necessary to sell their products. I think that what's being done to women is particularly abhorrent because it has an effect on men too...used to be that no one expected shaved legs or perfect vaginas. Now the men are so bombarded with pictures of women who don't even exist that many of them seem to subconsciously (and consciously) adopt these images as what women really can be.

Submitted by Mrs.Micah on Sun, 11/30/2008 - 16:00