What Every Woman Needs: A Fit and Pretty Vagina!

BlogHer Original Post

Silly me. Just when I was getting comfortable with my body as it is, the blessed Style section of New York Times reminds me that if I don't engage in "pelvic fitness," my vagina could "become almost scrotal, very wrinkly and lax." Who knew? Slap the panic button, and hustle your bustle down to the nearest vagina spa near you to prevent this horrific tragedy!

Now, I know what you are thinking: "Vagina spa? What? Why on earth would I take cooter fitness classes or worse, have pussy surgery, to prevent an unsightly vagina when, well, there's nothing wrong with my vagina in the first place, and who really looks at it anyway?!?! And those fortunate enough to be acquainted with my bits should thank me for sharing what I've got. Harumph!" But that's the problem with you and me - we don't fully understand all the womanly things that need improvement. This is why the medical industry invented the term "cosmetogynecology." Yes, cosmetogynecology is the beautification of our plain old vages, which the always hilarious sex columnist Anka Radakovich once described as looking like a hairy roast beef. (This was not derogatory, just an observation.)

Oddly enough, not all women understand that doctors offering cosmetogynecology are just trying to help us! In fact, The Feminist Texican has the nerve to criticize this important, humanitarian practice:

I don’t believe I’ve yet stated my position on the cosmetogynecology being marketed to women these days (hymen reconstruction, labiaplasties, G-spot injections, etc.). Long story short: it’s a fucked up, multi-billion dollar male-dominated industry that preys on women’s insecurities and keeps furthering the goal posts to that ever-elusive standard of female perfection.

Goodness! If the next president doesn't pass some sort of universal beauty health insurance program so that we can ensure that our labias don't turn into old, ugly sacs, I will just give up forever on the possibility of a bright future in this country! I mean, we can already obtain financing so that the cost of plastic surgery doesn't "keep you from the body you deserve", but I'm worried that people like The Feminist Texican (and BlogHer's own contributing editor on pop culture, SJ, who upon hearing of these miracles pretty vaginas noted, "Oh noes, not scrotal! Is this the new insult lobbed at our ladyparts? It's not enough that we are supposed to wax and douche and perfume, but now if we "let ourselves go" we will become...scrotal...as well?") will prevent the rest of us from having the prettiest vaginas possible out of jealousy.

Now don't get me wrong, ladies. I'm not saying that the only important thing in life is to have a non-wrinkly vagina (although obviously that is something I spend hours worrying about), and remember that there are other benefits to doing vaginal exercises like Kegels. Babeland explains:

The PC muscle, short for the pubococcygeal muscle, cradles the internal sexual organs. It runs from the pubic bone to the tailbone in a figure eight around the genitals. Both women and men can benefit sexually from having a well-toned PC muscle; it can enhance your experience of orgasm and improve ejaculatory control, among other things.

The article goes on to outline simple steps that women can do for free to strengthen their vaginas. Of course, we aren't fooled: we know that things that are free are never as good as those that cost lots of money and/or require invasive procedures. Still, I'd be remiss to not the link in case you can't obtain financing to improve the appearance of your vagina. I know we ladies want to spend our hard-earned money (as Female Impersonator reminds us, "white women are still payed 77 cents to every white man's dollar, African-American women are payed 66 cents to a white man's dollar and Latina women earn 53 cents to a white man's dollar) wisely, and what can be more important than investing in a pretty snatch?

You'll have to thank me later for all this information. Now that I've seen the light on vaginal beauty, I have to run off to get my Brazillian wax so I can actually see my labia better (currently, there's just too much pesky pubic hair covering things up, which is why I had no idea how unattractive my vulva really is!- that is probably TMI, sorry...) and monitor it before it turns into a big, ugly, lax, wrinkly scrotum-thing.

Suzanne also blogs about life at Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants and about creating positive social change at Just Cause. Her first book, "Off the Beaten (Subway) Track", will be available at the BlogHer conference in July.


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