What Exactly Goes On In That Closet



For anyone who has ever wondered exactly what takes a woman so long to get ready, I am here to shine some light. It is hard to be a woman. As I watch my husband get ready for the day, the hardest thing I see on his list is shaving his face. Doesn't look so tough considering I had to shave my two legs. To shave a leg, you have to bend over, hold your balance and try not to slice off any hunks of skin. Have you ever tried to shave a knee cap? Not so easy.

Even with that, shaving is not the hardest thing we have to do in our grooming rituals. It is not the body wash or moisturizing. It is not the shampooing, conditioning, drying or flat ironing of the hair. It is not even the plucking of eyebrows, careful blending of foundation, or trying to put a perfectly-even line of eyeliner across both lids (this one takes years of practice, by the way).

The most difficult thing that a woman has to do to get ready for the day, happens in her closet. Now on a good day, we may get to wear athletic pants or a maxi dress (the best thing EVER invented as far as I am concerned). But on other days you are required to wear the wardrobe staple of stay-at-home moms around the world. You must wear......jeans.

Just the word alone probably caused some anxiety. You see, women understand just what that means. For those of you who don't? Let me explain. When everything else is done, and it is time to get dressed, this is where the work begins.

You take a deep breath, and turn the knob leading into the closet. You know exactly what you have to do. You walk to the row of jeans. They are hung in sections. You have your fancy jeans for going out, your everyday jeans, but within these categories, you also have subcategories. The most important thing is NOT to make the mistake of picking from the wrong sub-category, for that particular day. We all have two pairs of jeans, hanging in there, that there is absolutely no chance we will EVER be able to stuff ourselves into. These are our skinny jeans. We leave them hanging there as hope that one day, we will wear those again. Next you have your comfy jeans. Now don't' mistake comfy to mean comfortable. This just means on most days we can pull these off and not feel TOO tortured. Lastly you have your "fat" jeans. This is for days when you are having "that time" or had a big Mexican supper.....three nights in a row. Standing there, looking at the line, the most important thing is to choose wisely because once you do, you are committed. Now reach for that hanger.

You remove the jeans from the hanger. If any children enter the room, NOW is the time to escort them out. NO child should have to watch what is about to go down in here. You hold the jeans up, looking them over, making absolute sure that these are the ones for the day. Then you count to five and here we go!

First you slip one foot in, then the other. By the time you get the jeans past your knees, you can get a pretty good feel of how this is going to play out. I have, at times stopped right here and realized that I had made a mistake. If jeans are feeling questionable at your knees you do NOT want to approach the thighs.

Next comes the thighs. Slowly pull the jeans up one tug at a time, alternating sides. Be sure to NOT leave any slack at the thighs because trust me, you are going to need that slack later. Once you have both sides even and smooth, it is time for the real battle royal. The backside, behind, bottom, derriere, fanny, hindquarters, moneymaker, rump, the GLUTEUS MAXIMUS. THIS my friend is where you had better hope you have some upper arm strength and great lung capacity. You are going to need it.

Every woman knows the wiggly motion. The only way to get jeans over the hump is with a lot of motion. You grab the waistband with both hands, pull one side up, then the other, alternating back and forth. All the while you are moving your body in ways that your grandmother would NEVER approve.  It takes tugging and squirming, pulling and stuffing. Then it will happen....you will have the largest part of your hips actually inside the pants! Yea!!! Hold on though....you are far from done.

For those of you who have had babies, you know what is coming now. The muffin top: the extra skin that you develop after pregnancy that no matter what you do will JUST.NOT.GO.AWAY. You have to get as much of that as you can into those jeans. It is kind of like tucking in a shirt except it is your SKIN. Please remember though, unless you are wearing high wasted mom jeans, then you aren't going to get it ALL inside of there. You can only ask so much from denim. Accepting this from the start will make it much easier to swallow. Now, brace yourself. This is where real women are separated from little girls. It is time button your jeans.

Why do they use a button fly you ask? Because I don't think a snap closure would hold in all of my.....uhhh....awesomeness. You take a minute to collect your thoughts. This is THE defining moment. If you can pull this off, without passing out, then it is going to be a good day. You take a gigantic breath, moving your lungs as far away from your stomach as humanly possible. Then you do three quick jumps to make sure the jeans are as far up as they can go. They must be at the skinniest part of your waste or this will never work. Then without any regard for the flesh on your fingers, you stuff that button into that hole. Without stopping you pull the zipper all the way to the top. I know women who have confessed to using pliers here. That is okay. Whatever it takes. Now you exhale for the first time in five minutes and take in a small breath because at this point, a large breath could blow that button fly wide open. It is done.

They feel incredibly uncomfortable. These are never going to work but wait.....you are not done. There is one more thing that you must do. This is where you loosen them up. I recommend three moves. First, a rapid fire succession of squats. This will confuse the jeans, am I standing, am I sitting, now I just don't know. Next bend over and touch the floor. This will loosen the waist. Finally, three Karate kicks on each leg. These will help pull any remaining slack up to your thighs, Now you are done!

You have won! You are the victor. You look at your fat jeans hanging up there and laugh. You look at your skinny jeans hanging there and wink. I am coming for you next time. Then you sashay out of that closet effortless. No one has to know what just occurred in that closet because look how good you look? Lord have mercy, baby's got her bluejeans on ;)

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