What Happens When You Ask People Not to Say "Retard"

Well I tried to get some people in a chat I frequent to stop using the r-word. They won't, in fact they also are upset that I use having Asperger's Syndrome frequently as an excuse. Now you're probably wondering, why am I back in this chat.

It's a fun chat, I feel I have to get used to the idea that if I want friends I can't push my views on them, and expect them to understand or care. There have been some people there who are understanding, I feel it's difficult to go against my views by ignoring when people use the r-word. I guess I have to get used to that people have a right to say that word, even if they do know it's harmful. Eventually Karma will catch up with them.

Thank you for this post. I did something similar on twitter and it was very disheartening. My brother has developmental delay and the R word is very hurtful. Most people just don't really think when they use it. Getting the conversation going is the only way to make a change.

Lisa Johnson blogs at Anali's First Amendment ( http://analisfirstamendment.blogspot.com/ ).

Interestingly, the word itself is benign. It means to delay the development of or to slow down. In ignorance, as is true of most ignorance, people use a word in a perjorative context and it becomes malignant.

Each person who is enlightened by your efforts is one more who has gained knowledge and moved from ignorance to educated. I applaud your efforts and wish the world was filled with educated, enlightened people. How sad that so many people are limited (dare I say the "r" word) in their ability to use the English language appropriately and with respect, regard and compassion.

Nancy Konigsberg is a pediatric occupational therapist specialing in child development ( http://www.milestonemom.com ) and baby milestones.  She has a blog called Milestone Mom ( http://www.milestonemom.com )

And you should be proud of yourself! If you made even a few people think about it and stop you have made a difference.

I have always taught my children that words are just that words, they will only hurt you if you let them. It was arm them against those who use words to be hurtful. As a mom of a special needs child and one who went through years of verbal abuse from my x spouse. Words are hurtful, so much the pain you feel from them can alter you as a person.

I think you are courageous for taking a stand against this word. My kids know this word isn't okay with along with others like the word stupid or dumb. All it takes is one person to help others see the err of their ways.

Good for you!

I'm happy to respect your feelings on the issue and it's important to be aware how the words one uses affect other people. I would never want to give offense or be hurtful.

However . . . I do wish this principle applied universally. Instead, it reflects the changing values of society. It used to be that profanity referring to sexuality or bodily functions were obscene but now children can use horrid language all over the playground with impunity and I get PTA letters advertising the latest crusade to eradicate words such as "stupid" and "retard" (and the mother of all offensive words--the "N" word) from the vocabulary. What a double standard.

Sigh. I just wish people took as much objection to degrading, blasphemous or profane words as to these new taboos that reflect how we value tolerance over all else. Forget reverence, forget modesty, forget virtue--as long as you are tolerant you're accepted.

You can insult deity, eschew religion, promote immorality and promiscuity and disdain what used to be sacred between a man and a woman--just don't give a hint of intolerance.

Environmentalism, tolerance and diversity: the new holy trinity of virtues.

Some people are, and continue be ignorant, insensitive and even cruel. I admire your crusade to push that boulder up the hill in hopes to open some eyes, and change some vocabulary.

My oldest son is challenged by Cerebral Palsy. He's a fighter, sharp as whip and super creative. I am often in awe of his strength and perseverance. Through countless surgeries, PT, OT, etc.. his challenges run the gamut from physical to emotional.

But the quality I admire most about him is his ability to disarm would-be offenders. "Why are you walking funny? Are you retarded or something?" "No man. I just had another surgery on my legs, wanna see the scars? They're HUGE!" And so it goes.

From a young age, he has witnessed the destruction of other would-be offenders at the edge of my sharp tongue- and now he has developed quite a tongue of his own- not in a rude way, but indeed an effective way.

But the one thing that still throws us all off guard is the PITY. "Oh you poor thing" ..."It must be so hard for you to raise a child with a disability"... "Here, let me help you do that..." These are the most insidious of offenses, as it comes from a place of empathy, of compassion- but unfortunately, it also rides the line of ignorance.

Hello! I'm the Founder and Chief seed planter of GreenBeans. ( http://gogreenbeans.com ) Have any questions, fire away!

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I often feel like the word police, especially on facebook, and I catch a lot of flak for it. I'm always polite and reasonable, but criticizing someone's choice of words almost always makes them defensive. In many cases, I think it's because they REALIZE what they've said is hurtful, but they're embarrassed about it. One thing I frequently go after is when I see people making rape jokes. As a rape survivor, I find this very offensive (and sometimes triggering), and there's starting to be a lot of evidence showing that rapists think all men rape, which is a view rape jokes perpetuate. That was a bit of a tangent, but when I point these things out, I'm met with resistance along the lines of "It's not big deal...you'll never change things...blah blah blah." But if I can change one person's mind, and spare another person stumbling upon this kind of offensive language, I consider it a win.

I agree with some other comments that yes, you're legally allowed to say whatever you want. But part of being an adult is recognizing what's appropriate and what isn't.

What a powerful post. I get very upset when I hear people using this word. For a while, it seemed that people stopped, and then it resurfaced a few years ago. All through high school hallways, kids were saying it. I told them how inappropriate that was, but it didn't stop. And then, what was worse, teachers were saying it. (The kind of teachers that had no business being high school teachers, the kind who really just wanted to relive high school rather than doing something extraordinary for kids). So I commend you for taking on this project! I'm glad you at least made a difference with that one person who finally listened. One person matters.

Jana Llewellyn tries to make the best of modern motherhood on her blog, An Attitude Adjustment. ( http://anattitudeadjustment.com ) She also teaches English part-time at her local community college.

I forgive, and educate, generational users of this term, but my teen daughter says it best:

"Would you say nigger?"

Same thing.

Then don't say this. Some words need to be retired and take their stereotypes and limits and negative hateful connotations with them.

Kathykate (p/t copywriter, f/t mom)

Diary of a Return-to-Work Mom ( http://www.returntoworkmom.com/ )

Thank you for sharing. People can be so cruel. Your post made me cry, I hurt so much for what you went through for your son and other people; you are a brave and wonderful person. My son has ADHD, and I hope it has given me greater sensitivity than I had before.

Pamela F. Hutchins * Road to Joy ( http://pamelahutchins.com ) * pamela@pamelahutchins.com ( http://www.blogher.com/pamela@pamelahutchins.com ) * @PamelotH ( http://twitter.com/pameloth ) *

I too am moved to tears by the ignorance and insensitivity of so many people. My brother is autistic and since he started showing signs of being "different" I became especially sensitive to people teasing him or joking about retards.

The funny thing is, it doesn't bother him. It's those of us who love him that are so sensitive to how people view him.

Thank you for taking the time to make this point and share it with so many. If even one person has become enlightened and chooses to no longer use that word in a derogatory way, you have accomplished an amazing thing.

Diana Johnson

http://DianasaurDishes.com ( http://dianasaurdishes.com/ )

@DiansaurDishes

What and inspiring experiment you did.

There are so many words people use daily, which I will not list, that this pertains to.
No matter the word, the user will almost always dig in and get defensive.

When we as individuals speak up, even if only one person listens, this drop in the bucket leads to a bucket full one day.

Here! Here!

I worked with Dev. Delayed adults in my early 20s, as well as autistic kids. Four of my adopted siblings could qualify for the "r" word as insult and this issue is close to my heart.

~Tatyanna
BlueEyedMonkey
www.egeriaconsulting.net
www.blueeyedmonkey.net

Really interesting to see what happened when you took this on...I sometimes get chided for being the "word police" among facebook friends, because I call them out when I see "retard" or "that's so gay" being thrown around. I'm okay with being seen as the word police...the police help to keep order and prevent or stop violence and victimization, right?! :) Keep up the good work!

Our hearts can be broken by a word. Let us all use this mighty weapon carefully.

"Don't be content with being average. Average is as close to the bottom as it is to the top."

Jane blogs as "Mamacita" at Scheiss Weekly, ( http://janegoodwin.net/ )hitting the fan like nobody can.

Reading this blog post brought me to tears. What a powerful experience to have and to see the difference we can make in this world when we share our perspective with others, despite the chances of rejection, frustration and sadness. I have caught myself using the r-word in the past. It is not impossible to change. I've done it. Thank you for sharing and being fearless and for loving your child the way you do. Stand strong, even a little change is worth the work we all put into it.

I have to tell everyone, I was afraid to read the comments here. I know BlogHer has a community of smart, aware women, but the response on other sites has been so outrageously negative I quit reading comments. Then I peeked in here. And I kept reading. And I literally cried from relief. I am printing these out (sorry, trees) and hanging them up by my desk. It is such a relief to hear from people who get it.

Ellen blogs daily at Love That Max ( http://lovethatmax.com ), a blog about kids with special needs who kick butt

I think this word gets used because people have become desensitized to what it really means. What you are doing is getting people to focus on the word in order to become more sensitive to the fact that it is a derogatory & hurtful reference, so that they may hear it in a very different, more compassionate way from now on.

Take heart. Some of those conversations in your blog above did not end there. You just never know what change you have brought about by having the courage to speak up. After the initial defensiveness, there may come thoughtful change--eventually. Maybe not, but you did the right thing.

www.mamastemama.wordpress.com ( http://www.mamastemama.wordpress.com )

It's amazing how difficult it is to try and make a small change in behavior, isn't it?! I know I used that word as a teen for sure, but do you know when it really started to bug me? When I started working with kids in Special Ed here at my school.

It clicked. It's not right. And even my kids know it's not cool, and will correct my husband who still uses it here and there.

And yes, there are SO many words in our language that are hurtful to others...but there are also so many words that aren't. Choose wisely.

Sherri blogs at Old Tweener ( http://www.oldtweener.blogspot.com/ ), where she writes about parenting and anything else that makes her laugh (or cry) while living in those years between changing diapers and wearing them.

It is a hard word to hear when you know exactly what it means. I have 3 (2 living) siblings with disabilities, all younger than me. I HATED hearing that word growing up. I still do. Teenagers are especially bad at using that word! I heard it WAY too much in high school. But the times it hurts the most are when people who are close to you use it. My SIL used it once and then argued that she used it in proper context (hubby wasn't impressed with her explanation, neither was I.) Thanks for taking the time to raise awareness!

CrystalsCozyKitchen

http://crystalscozykitchen.blogspot.com

Thank you for this article and for calling attention to how hurtful words and name calling can be. This is a personal subject for my family as my brother in-law has downs. People can say it's just a word, but words are powerful. It's a very difficult thing to take on trying to educate ignorant people who don't understand how words can hurt and do damage and do not have more intelligent ways of describing. You are so very brave to reach out to people to make a difference in our world. In reading the responses you receive, I'm not sure I'd be strong enough to handle what you have endured. Good luck in your quest. You are an inspiration.

www.palmerbennett.wordpress.com ( http://www.palmerbennett.wordpress.com )

My 8 year old is so against the use of this word. I didn't even realize how it was a part of my vocabulary until he started charging me a dollar every time I used it. After $5, I got the point. I hope more people will...

Wonderful post and I think you ARE making a difference, little by little, day by day.

......

( http://aiminglow.com )IzzyMom ( http://izzymom.com )
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CritterBuds ( http://critterbuds.com )
Caffeinatrix ( http://caffeinatrix.com )

In previous years, Tanis (Redneck Mommy) has inspired me to write and speak out against the word. Your drive and courage are now another great source of inspiration to me - thank you.

Julie Marsh ( http://www.juliemarsh.net )

I've blogged and messaged people about what I refer to as Name Calling, too. We teach our kids to not do this and then, we as adults do it. And now there's a political correctness backlash. My position is if it's something we teach our kids not to do then we shouldn't do it either. It's called role modeling. My similar post is here - http://www.mamasemptynest.com/?p=377. Great post and thanks for being brave enough to address it.

If your project even stops one person from using that word, it will have been worth it.

Slowly but surely, the message is getting out.

Huge hugs to you for your efforts. I know it had to have impacted someone. Even if they don't admit it right now, you may have left a little seed of an idea planted in their brain.

I applaud you for your patience. My heart could barely make it through this post. As the mother of a son in special ed, I wish that word was never used again. He also has epilepsy and if I could stop hearing people joke about having seizures that would be awesome, too. I just can't believe how inconsiderate some people can be (initially I can understand slip-ups but even after being informed nicely? Wow.)

Stephanie

Adventures In Babywearing ( http://www.adventuresinbabywearing.com )

If your project even stops one person from using that word, it will have been worth it.

Slowly but surely, the message is getting out.

Huge hugs to you for your efforts. I know it had to have impacted someone. Even if they don't admit it right now, you may have left a little seed of an idea planted in their brain.

I'm really proud of you for standing up. People are far too casual in using that language because they think it's funny and worse yet, people join in the laughter because they also think it's funny or they'd rather not cause a stir.

Thank you for doing this.

mona
kirida dot com ( http://www.kirida.com ) : an island gal staying out of the rain.

I don't have a twitter but I am always one to point out in person that using terms such as retard, gay, etc., are both hurtful and harmful to all. The term that always makes me feel so sad is when people make fun of epilepsy or seizures. As a sister of a girl who is epileptic, there is nothing humorous about it. I don't know what my sister feels every time this happens to her but I know that it is an insanely scary and heart-wrenching time for me. To hear others make fun of anything that another person cannot change just breaks my heart in two. Thank you for at least trying to make the world a better place for all.

Sincerely,

Randa from About Life* ( http://aboutlifestar.blogspot.com/ )

You already know how much I love this post! Congrats on being featured, and you are AWESOME, mama!

The Twit: http://twitter.com/ErinMargolin
The NEW Blog: www.erinmargolin.com ( http://www.erinmargolin.com )

I've had similar experiences when trying to (politely) educate about adoption language/etc, via twitter or elsewhere. Sometimes it drives me to tears.

DO know that you ARE making a difference. Sometimes we never see the fruits of our labor. And a large majority of those people who were nasty to you likely won't change their verbal habits. Now. But someday. In a situation that you will never, ever hear about. They will either say something aloud or think something and remember you and your words. You ARE making a difference.

My family salutes your family. Keep up the good fight even when you feel like it's a battle that will never be won. You are amazing.

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and photographer.

to express how much I admire you. I admit that have infrequently used the "r" word in the past - usually about a silly mistake that I made myself. Thanks for the gentle enlightenment. Duly noted...and changed!

While your mission may sound daunting, I think what you are doing is awesome.
 http://www.themarthacomplex.blogspot.com/

I once used the word retard as a derogoratory word. It was when I started frequenting some baby forums that I noticed alot of people would get very defensive when a poster used the word. I really thought about 1.) how hurtful it is to ppl with special needs, 2.) how ignorant, thoughtless, and uneducated it made me sound, and 3.) how it might affect others (such as yourself) that might hear me say it. I think most teens say the word retard because everyone else does. They don't ever really pause to think about what they are saying. But I for one, no longer use the word inappropriately. Great post.

Breastfeeding, babywearing, first time mama writing about the trials, hilarity, and stickiness of motherhood. http://www.ourgrowinggarden.com ( http://www.ourgrowinggarden.com/ )