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So I just chatted with one of two of my best friends, though she is the one that gets me best and we both made each other feel sane in our insanity. We rarely get to talk because she has her own problems being a single mom and then my own but we mesh on so many levels. I spoke to her about what at age perhaps say 18/19 I though my life would be and where it is today. I invisioned me being college educated, working in a profession I atleast semi-enjoyed and perhaps with a partner slightly older than myself who was highly educated worldly and a great conversationalist whom where we would sit in our livir ng den type area and chat over a glass of wine or what have you about any subject and just throughly enjoy each others company and maybe one day have a child but mostly experience the world an each other and LOVE life. Then the reality is that I'm living with my disfunctional mother whom is the reason I've screwed up so much of my life trying to run from her, along with my husband of now 4 years and our 3 year old daughter and 3 month old son. He is wonderful( my husband) in his own right but not the college educated wonder I had fantisized about in my youth that would help take me away from my evil adolescent life. I have become disillusioned but mostly angry at my self for sabbataging my own dreams. I love my children and oddly my husband as well because of his love for me but I feel horrible for the animosity I feel towards my existance. I'm stuck in this financial grey area of life where we are not poor enough for gov't support but not wealthy enough to be independent and I hate it. I am the poster child for post partum depression at the moment and many other things I dare not mention. I am a wonderful mother in my own right, I want to be a wonder wife, though I know i am not, and I want to be a person of my own being, which is my main fear, that I will never have my own identity even though my vision has changed. Can anyone else relate?
