What makes it harder...What makes it easier...What makes me stronger...
By katesworld40 on June 18, 2011
What makes it harder...
On my bad days, I sit back and wonder how could something like this have happened? It happens. I know it does. But I didn't think it would happen to us. I guess every woman who has ever stepped into these shoes says that. But what makes it especially painful to me is that the other woman is my sister. And that she has not made any attempt to acknowledge, apologize for or accept responsibilities for her actions.
Blood is supposed to be thicker than water. How would she and my husband hurt me like that? How could they both jeopardize all of our relationships? But then again, it was really quite easy for something like this to happen. I am certainly not saying that it is ok that it happened, but all of the ingredients were laid out for something like this to happen. But they should have known better. We all should have known better. This is what consumes me on my worst days.
What makes it easier...
My husband. He has not promised me anything. He did not swear that he would change. He has not promised me that he is going to change and become a new man. He just did it. His actions is what counts. And I am not talking about romantic dinners and flowers and hearts and chocolate. I am talking about every day little details; big ugly arguments; soft delicate kisses; agreeing to disagree; him taking on a bigger role with helping raise our family; him being a better person; him loving me unconditionally.
After the revelation, my husband apologized (profusely) to evey member of my family (excluding HER) for his actions. He even apologized to my best friend for breaking her best friend's heart (mine) and now leaving her with the task of helping put me back together. He didn't try to get her to convince me to let him come back home or to get me to forgive him. He wanted to make sure that someone would there for me because he knew at that point that I wouldn't let him near me.
After our brief separation, he did not all of sudden tell me how much I mean to him and how he appreciates all that I do and how me married me because of x, y and z. Instead, he showed me. In all of his actions, big and small, it has been all about how much he loves me. He has shown me that we can get past this.
What makes me stronger...
I am not saying that it has been all roses and poerty. It ranks up there with one of the hardest things I have gone through in my life. But the support that I have gotten from friends and family has certainly helped. I have gotten advice from unlikely sources and am learning so much more about myself.
Our relationship is nothing close to what we once had (the good, the bad and the ugly parts of what made 'us'). It is altered, without a doubt. We cannot go back to what it once was, but I am hoping that we can be better than that. Because, as good as it was, we certainly had issues, which is how we ended up here in the first place. Trying to redefine yourself, your life and your relationship of over 20 years is a long hard struggle. It is an enormous undertaking but a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step...
By no means am I the same person I used to be. I don't think that I am all that stronger than what I used to be. In fact, I think that now I find myself less strong when handling the upsets that occur on a regular basis. I struggle most days to not break down into panic attacks and pity parties. But some days...well, I feel pretty lucky to have the family, friends, support and love in my life. I am not perfect, neither is he, and together we are even less perfect. But that is ok. So long as we continue to work together, I think we just might make it.
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