What men want to know about sex, love, dating, and relationship!

Dan asked:

When I'm out with my friends, and I notice someone I want to talk to who is surrounded by her friends, I get kind of nervous and don't know what to say. I tend to shy away from women who seem a little more closed off, even if they are the ones I really want to talk to. Do women unintentionally shy away from talking to someone new, even if they are open to connecting with someone? Do your readers have any advice for me, or do they feel the same way? 

Hi Dan,

Happy to help! Starting an intimate relationship involves several factors; setting an intention, attraction, availability, and then making contact. I think if we address the first few the last one will be far easier to navigate.

Attraction & setting intention: Sounds like you want to connect, and while you’re attracted to the more closed-offtypes you end up talking with the women who are open and warm. So the real question is: How do I connect with women who don’t seem open and approachable?


While it’s true that women in general feel safer engaging with someone familiar, some are just more open, outgoing, and engaging than others. Now that we know some women are more open than others, let me ask you this; why would you want to connect with a closed-off person versus an open and warm one? And what attracts you to the closed-off types? Get clear on what type of person you are attracted to and want to be with then set your intention: Imagine it, see it and then let go.

Availability: Another critical factor in starting a relationship involves a person’s availability. There are a few keys to keep in mind:

  1. Most women who are available and want to be approached will let you know it. There are a few basic cues to watch for: prolonged eye contact or not being able to maintain eye contact but looking back again and again to see if you are looking at them, moving in to your two-foot proximity, brushing near or against you gently, touching you, licking their lips, playing with their hair, and laughing are a few.

  2. On the other hand those who are either not interested or are already involved with someone keep their sexual energy to themselves. That is to say even if someone finds you attractive they will not hold your gaze for an inappropriate period or in general give you any vibe other than a clean, sisterly kind of vibe. Another category is worth mentioning here, the type of person that finds you attractive but is truly very shy.

Making contact: Statistically, most successful relationships begin as a result of a referral, a friend or family member, or by way of an institution such as the workplace, school, gym or club. Meeting people randomly you have no pre-existing connection with is tougher. That said, here are a few ice-breakers for you to try out to help you gain more confidence:

1) The authentic and sincere approach. “Hi, my name is Dan and I wanted to introduce myself,” or “How are you today?” Or “What brings you out?”

2) The weather report. This is a tried-and-true socially acceptable ice-breaker guaranteed to at least see if there’s any glimmer of interest; “Nice day, right?” or “I am so glad it’s not raining again today!” “I can’t wait to get out on my bike/board/boat…”

3) The offering. Sometimes we find ourselves in the position to make contact by offering our service or something to someone that’s generous but not inappropriate; “Can I get the door for you, an umbrella, carry your groceries in the rain, hold the elevator door, get you a drink at a party?” All lovely gestures expressing your generosity and hospitality, with no strings attached, of course!

 It is our nature to want to be connected and intimate. We are relational creatures, thus social animals. That’s said, I recommend you keep your slick and syrupy lines on the shelf unless they are just really who you are. Sarcasm and disrespectful or lewd comments are offensive and, honestly, not the best way to start a relationship of any kind!

Hope this was helpful; keep us posted! Anyone else who wants to reply to Dan’s request can email us at info@ maryannelive.com.


<3 maryanne



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