What moms wear, and why they should not be wearing that

Ya know I read these comments and blah, blah, blah.  Yep I'm a mom too and get up at 5:30 and get my child to school and then myself to work, etc., etc.  Ya know what, wear what you want !  If you want to look like a million bucks and have the money to do so then have at it !   If you want to roll out of bed and put on a pair of yoga pants to bring the kids to school because you didn't get to bed until midnight finishing a report that was due then so be it.  It is what it is.    Do I have days where I want to look good and hope my pants fit right?  Goodness we all do.  When I have the chance to have a date night of course I want to dress up.  It makes me feel good.  Ladies we all rough days.  Do what makes you feel comfortable and happy.  If your feeling down and not sure how to dress right and want a change your frumpy look then its your right to figure that out.  Be yourself and be happy.

 Hello!

Although I am not a mom, being plus size is still plus size- and there is nothing wrong with it in my eyes! That is why I celebrate it and embrace it. I have always and will always be a thick one (even while I am at the gym or out with my girls!) With that said, KUDOS to you my dear for this post and your other posts dedicated to the Curvy.Confident.Chic. plus size woman!
If you are ever looking for that new designer, model, lifesyle focused or clothing line dedicated, I have devoted my brand new blog “The Curvy Fashionista” to all things curvy!
I love your site! Absolutely fabulous!

Marie Denee
http://thecurvyfashionista-mariedenee.blogspot.com... http://thecurvyfashionista-mariedenee.blogspot.com... )

Never let you curves define your style~ Let your Style define your CURVES! Marie Denee

Oh Susan,

I just want to say THANK YOU for writing this article and stirring up this issue because in the 3 months that I've started my fashion, style, and mom blog ( http://www.thecocktailcafe.com ), I have had my share of mommy haters. In my latest post entitled "Foot Fetish: Get Pumped for the Holidays ( http://www.thecocktailcafe.com/mom-knows-style/foo... )", I had a lady that was so nasty in her comments that I was floored.

See, to me, this isn't about how you look but rather how you feel. Dressing nicely isn't about price, or fashionable, but more about how we as mothers find time to honor ourselves by spending a little time on 'us'.

As a wife, mother to 3 lovely children, friend, blogger writer and professional business developer, I was so stressed out. I felt overwehlmed by the fact that I gave to so many (people, causes, etc.) and simply never had time for myself.

And as I stated in my About ( http://www.thecocktailcafe.com/about/ )section on my blog, I

I was depressed, stressed, and overworked.  I
was a young mother, wife and yet I felt so alone.  One morning I got
up, locked myself in the bathroom, rolled up in a ball in the corner on
the floor, and cried until I laughed.

After hours and hours in the bathroom, my husband knocked on the door to check on me. My response?  “honey, I’m OK… Im just having a little ME TIME!

Great article Susan and wonderful comments. Lets continue this interesting discussion good points ladies.

The Cocktail Cafe, a mix of mom talk with a splash of style

http://www.thecocktailcafe.com

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I'm sure many of us can relate to your circumstances, Camisa. I've got a 2 year old and a 4 year old, a very demanding volunteer job, a floundering freelance/consulting career, a husband with two jobs and a volunteer commitment of his own, and no family nearby or other help with the children whatsoever. And, as I mentioned above, we're one of those families who has made the decision to have me home full-time with the kids even though it means we are barely scraping by, financially (in other words, definitely no money for lots of clothes shopping). But I do think Susan has a point here. My days are insanely busy; I'm always sleep-deprived and on the run; I prioritize home-cooked meals, regular exercise, and time with my children over regular shopping dates. However, all it has taken has been a few hours every 6-12 months at a nearby mall (or some online shopping the clearance sections at oldnavy.com) to gradually obtain some stylish (but cheap) jeans, a couple pairs of flats, and some inexpensive accessories to vastly improve my personal appearance. I've been amazed at how much impact even these small efforts have had. Last night at a holiday party for my volunteer job, a fellow mom told me that her husband--who does the preschool drop-off run--commented to her that I am "the best-dressed mom at preschool." And I'm not saying that to brag but to point out that my first reaction was to LAUGH--because honestly, I'm wearing Old Navy jeans and a Target t-shirt most days! I just paired them with flats and a bracelet instead of running shoes and a dirty ponytail. You know?

Anyway, take heart. You sound like a busy, tired mom, and we've all been there! But truly--even small, economical changes make a huge difference. I'd rather run, read, or play with my girls than shop, too--but believe me, I haven't done all that much shopping in the last year and a half.

I absolutely don't mean to sound judgmental.  And honestly, for so many reasons, I'm the last person who would fault you, specifically -- I spent three years adjuncting after graduate school, and I understand so clearly what that life is like. And even now, my work day starts at 4:00 am and ends when the work -- and the tucking in and reading of stories and packing of lunches -- is done, which is not typically at 5:00, or on Friday afternoon, or ever, really.

And yes, there are always trade offs -- the cost of a dress versus the cost of dinner out or a new toy for a child, or an afternoon of trying on jeans versus an afternoon playing at the park or cooking a meal.  We all make choices.  So you are right -- I have no right to judge other women's choices, especially when they are satisfied with those choices. 

I would still maintain, though, that we're not talking about a big investment of time or money; maybe twenty minutes in the morning to shower and get ready, maybe $50 for a pair of good jeans.  That's it, really.  Not a lot.

Friday Playdate ( http://www.blogher.com/fridayplaydate.com )

I know you didn't mean it this way, but this is yet another blow in the mommy wars.  Why do you feel entitled to judge others' appearance?  I will preface with a full confession - this strikes a nerve with me.  I wish I could dress better, truly I do.  But...let me give you a glimpse of my day.  

I am a college instructor.  My grades (for my 3 different classes) were due today.  I knocked 2 out last week. However, because I wanted to do some holiday-type activities this weekend for my 5 year-old son, I opted to work mornings and nights over the weekend (rather than days) to get my grades in.  For the past 3 mornings, I've arisen at 5:00 am.  Today, I got up at 5 and finished my grades (at 6:47 am to  be exact - they were due at 9).  Then, I spent time with my son and read the newspaper.  I made him lunch, got him dressed, and my husband took him to school at 8:30.  I took 1 hour to eat my breakfast and take a shower (my first since Saturday).  Then, I made the 45 minute drive to my university (I teach on more than one campus - one that is 2 minutes from my home, one 45 minutes - the main campus, and one 1 hour an 15 minutes) in order to move all the paperwork I've accumulated over the semester into the files in my office.  I was there for 90 minutes, when I had to leave to drive 45 minutes to meet my adjunct co-instructor for a class we are teaching next term.  We met for a 2 hour lunch and hammered out a syllabus (that needs to be published tomorrow, so I will be up again at 5 to get it in order).  I left his place of business and went to the grocery store.  Then, I picked my son up from preschool and returned home.  I had exactly 1 1/2 hours of "down" time (I had a babysitter), during which I did laundry and household chores.  The babysitter left and I made dinner.  My husband, son and I had a lovely, leisurely 90 minute dinner/playtime.  It's now 8:25 pm and my husband bathed and is putting my son to bed (and I'm here looking at the blogs).

This is pretty typical of my days.  I have a enough nice outfits to wear on the 4 days that I teach, but I simply do not have time to do the planning and shopping necessary for good wardrobe upkeep.  When I am not in class, it is jeans and sweats for me. 

It is not a "badge of honor" and, to be truthful, I look on the well-groomed sorts with envy.  However, I have opted to take the time needed for good haircuts, clothes, etc. and use it to spend with my son.  I shop when I absolutely need to.  When I get a break (in about May at term end), getting back into an exercise regime and reading for pleasure rank higher than the clothes and manicures.  For what it's worth, my husband appreciates this.  He understands that the home-cooked meals come at this price (and he prefers the homecooked meals). Someday (too soon), my son will not need so much of me.  At that point, time will be freed up and I can concentrate on the cosmetic.

I am not a martyr.  In the last 2 years, I've moved out of the corporate world and into academia.  I've done this, mainly, so that I can be on my son's schedule while being intellectually challenged at work (and I don't have to worry about being available 24/7 to clients).  So, I'm on the beginning of a learning curve and I'm just trying to prioritize.  In another two years, I should have my schedule and classes under control and will have the time to look toward less pressing areas.  However, articles like this one get to me.  You just don't know what's going on with other people.  Don't judge.

Thank you both for saying all those lovely things -- I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Shannon, I think you are right on: how we present ourselves -- as mothers, yes, but as women and bosses and employees and neighbors and friends and ... -- has so much to do with how other people percieve us.  And yes, it would be fabulous if we could ALL have beautiful designer clothes in abundance, but that's not what this is about.  A small budget isn't an excuse for wearing whatever happens to be on sale; a very small selection of pieces that really fit and work for you is always a better option than a closet full of junk that says I GIVE UP!  

In this economy, more and more of us are going to be in Shannon's position -- trying to make thoughtful choices about what we buy, and looking for strategies when there's nothing to spend.  That is also not an excuse to give up, though -- take good care of the pieces you have, even if they're from Target and Old Navy, and they will last and last. 

Looking pulled together isn't about having the newest this or the hippest that; it's about wearing what fits and feeling good in it.  And that's an important thing to show your kids.

Friday Playdate ( http://www.blogher.com/fridayplaydate.com )

Yesterday I got a new haircut and thought of you, and also bought (for my Christmas gift) a pair of black knee high Etienne Aigner boots (low square heel) for $29 and really thought of you and then today, when I put on a long sleeve black tee, trouser jeans and those boots, and swung my spruced up tresses around I REALLY thought of you and wished that you could see me because 1) you're my major style icon and 2) I think you're way awesome. Plus I think I got it right and it's all thanks to YOU.

http://mamafasha.blogspot.com ( http://mamafasha.blogspot.com/ ) my fabulous must-read blog ;)

http://MKSkinCare.myarbonne.com ( http://mkskincare.myarbonne.com/ ) vegan certified, botanically based skin care, cosmetics and nu

Judith, I agree entirely.  What I find so interesting, though, is the fact that moms who look nice take more heat than moms who are schlepping. 

(And let's be honestly here -- ALL of us, moms or not, have schleppy days.  It's inevitable.)

I find that when I write about strategies for combining being the mom and looking nice, I get comments from readers who say, "Well I don't have the time/money/energy to worry about that."  And I wonder -- why not?  What are you doing with your time/money/energy?  Because it doesn't take any more time or money or energy to put on pants that fit correctly, you see.

Friday Playdate ( http://www.blogher.com/fridayplaydate.com )

Since when does it mean being sloppy, untended, insensitive to where one is?  In my book your kids learn just as much from how you live before them as from any source.  If you are a ragbag then they learn that women are pretty worthless and moms have not  even the standing of grocery store clerks, who usually wear some kind of uniform.

I have been a mom for a very long time and if I look run overby a car, then I have been run over by a car.

http://www.judithgreenwood.com/thinkonit/

Susan, you know I'm with you 100%. As you may remember, it was when my firstborn started preschool just over a year ago (when I also had a 12-month-old) that I began to emerge from my new-baby fog and seriously evaluate my personal appearance and dressing habits. It's been a gradual, long, slow process, but I have begun to move beyond daily yoga pants and faded t-shirts and clunky shoes to at least dark-rinse jeans, fitted t-shirts, pretty flats or boots, and a necklace or bracelet or two. You are right that we all have our schleppy days no matter what; currently where I live the windchill is more than 20 below and when I schlepped the kids out at 8:30 this a.m. for the preschool run I threw on an old sweater, a parka, and Dansko clogs. But I've learned to raise my standards for MOST days. It makes me feel better and I do think it sends an important message to my little daughters, one they will absorb over time as they grow: that I matter, that I know how to take care of myself, and that it matters to me to dress appropriately (read: nicely when possible) rather than go along with the hyper-casual nature of our current culture. You know I've talked about that quite a bit in the past too (recall my debate last spring over Easter dresses?). For me personally, my biggest challenge is my tight budget. I'm home full-time with my girls which means my household income is less than half what it once was, and when my husband's 2nd job ends this month our income won't even quite cover our monthly bills anymore. This does mean that even Target and Old Navy clothes need to be considered thoughtfully before purchased, because it means something else is going to be sacrificed. But even so I have made dressing better a priority. If I could afford it, I'd dress even better, though. I am dying for a new every-day handbag/tote, for instance, but can't justify it right now (maybe the after Christmas sales?!). I am grateful for Old Navy and Target, however, because it's true they really do have some very stylish offerings.

Anyway, what I really want to say is a huge THANK YOU TO SUSAN for being my largest influence in this journey of embracing motherhood while also daring to take care of myself and look pulled together, even on a budget. Words can't express how grateful I am, because it's about way more than clothes, bags, and shoes. It's about an inner mentality of valuing this identity of "mom" and appreciating the hard job of mothering, while also appreciating the value in showing others that moms matter too, and deserve to look nice (even when they're not bringing in an income!).