What Is A Mother To Do When Left To Her Own Devices
I don't mean to alarm you but the school year is all but over. This is the last full week for my kids. I am super excited and super freaked out. My two days a week of sanity-saving alone time is coming to an end. This is my last week to savor the all important ME time. I thought why not make a list of things to accomplish this week. Here it what I have so far:
1. Read a good book that was not written by Dr. Seuss
2. Catch up on my dvr recordings. Delete all of the Team Umizoomis (accidentally of course.) I will sit entirely too close to the tv and see if I actually go blind.
3. Pee alone with the door not only unlocked but also wide open as I sing "I am peeing all alone, with the door wide open."
4. Take a leisurely hot bath. Then take a leisurely hot shower. Then maybe another bath.
5. Take a nap on the couch, out in plain sight, and not slumped over a drawer pretending to refold clothes.
6. Go grocery shopping alone. And by grocery shopping I mean shoe shopping. Afterwards I will actually go grocery shopping. And by grocery shopping I mean hat shopping.
7. Have lunch with a girlfriend that does not include a kid's meal or crayons.
8. Get a pedicure (What? Not every single one on the list has to be funny, you know. Gahhh you are so spoiled.)
9. Talk on the phone without shouting and making excuses for my kids. You know like when they are screaming at each other and you laugh it off and say they are just practicing for their drama class.
10. Take a leisurely stroll......to the toilet where I can once again pee alone because I am telling you this will NOT happen again for months.
11. Eat a Little Debbie, but not in the pantry closet this time, at the kitchen counter. I will tear that wrapper off, crinkling it feverishly without freezing every 10 seconds to see if I hear footsteps closing in on my super secret hiding place.
12. Sit out in the back yard and enjoy a little sunshine without having to push anyone in a swing.
13. Clean a mirror without someone coming right behind me to leave fingerprints. Is this just me? It happens every. freaking. time.
14. Clean out the toy boxes without someone standing behind me proclaiming that every toy that I pick up is in fact, one that she simply cannot live without. I have decided this was the reason someone created black trash bags.
15. Sit in a room that I just cleaned and actually watch it STAY clean.
16. Fix myself a hot lunch and eat it while it is still warm. As I SIT at the table. AND read the newspaper (yeah I am just showing out now.)
17. Open the door for the UPS man and accept my packages without him giving me THAT look as I try with all of my might to keep my kids from escaping to the front porch where they will....maul the UPS man. You are welcome Mr. UPS Man.
18. Sit downstairs and listen to how NO one is calling my name. Then move upstairs and again listen to how no one is calling my name. You know they always call from the opposite floor from where you actually are.
19. Stick my finger into the peanut butter jar without anyone judging me. You know you did it when you lived alone, but as a parent it became so wrong. While I am at it, I will probably drink straight from the orange juice carton as well. I will do everything that I tell my kids not to do. I mean if you throw out the rules of civilization (while people are watching, anyway) what will become of us all? Not much separates us from the monkeys after all.
20. I will run through the house while holding scissors. (I am totally not doing that one. I don't have a death wish. Some of things that your mother told you not to do were really for a good reason.)
21. I am going to roller skate through the house (My goodness where did that come from? When did I become such a rebel?)
22. I am going to unfold all of the clothes in the kids drawers and leave them in disarray. (I am totally not going to do that one either. I will take my chances running with scissors first.)
23. I am going to jump up and down on the furniture because it just looks like so much fun when they do it. Then I will yell at myself to STOP. It is only fair.
24. I am going to scream obscenities at the top of my lungs because no one is here to hear me. But not the super bad ones. Just the mildly offensive ones. I wouldn't want the neighbors hearing me and deciding that I have multiple personalities. Unless I really have multiple personalities. I assume that if you do then you don't know. Hummmm.....I will have to put some thought into that one.
25. I think I will stop myself right here. It would appear that I am coming off the rails.
You get the idea here. There are many ways that having children changes us and like it or not, we all turn into our parents, or some form of them anyway.
It ranges from the things I did without appreciating them before having kids, such as.......ohhh I don't know.....peeing alone, to hearing myself tell my kids to stop sitting so close to the television because they will go blind. Will they really go blind? I don't know but my mother said it was so. Becoming a parent changes you. Even if it we say it won't.
Anyway I have to go for now. I have got several things on my list here that I plan to do today. If I seem a little not like myself, please overlook me, or join me. It is totally up to you. Come on over. We will completely throw caution to the wind ;)