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Two weeks ago, the ever-brilliant Carolyn Hax covered what to say to someone who may be trying to conceive unsuccessfully. The part I found most interesting was that the person was asking about a friend who had been trying for five months, which barring a concrete diagnosis that clearly would impede fertility (a lack of fallopian tubes, azoospermia, no uterus), is not infertile. They're not really even having fertility issues. They're having fertility annoyance after being told by their middle school health teacher that if they do so much as look at a member of the opposite sex, they will become a teen pregnancy statistic.
It really is a bitch when you find out you didn't actually need to spend that money on birth control after all.
Infertility is diagnosed after one year of trying to conceive with well-timed intercourse with no pregnancy or after three consecutive pregnancy losses. There are plenty of people on the outskirts, those who should have fertility fears even prior to attempting family building because they have medical issues that have been known to impede fertility such as PCOS or endometriosis. But even a diagnosis of those conditions do not point towards infertility. There are more women with PCOS and endometriosis who conceive without assistance than those who don't.
Some of those who are pre-diagnosis will be diagnosed with infertility in the future, which is where the advice column begins: what to say to the possibly future infertile? It would be foolish to tell them to relax and not worry, especially if in the future, they discover that they had good reason to worry. It also wouldn't do them a favour to take them to the brink of IVF if there isn't proof that it may be necessary in the future.
And the questioner makes a great point--she was always happy when people told her not to worry, yet finds that the thing that made her happy (assuring her that it will happen in the future), annoys this friend to no end. She doesn't want to hear that things may be right somewhere down the road nor does she want people to assume that she's not trying to become a parent.
Carolyn comes back with the best advice that could possibly be given in this situation and its applicable in speaking to anyone on the infertility spectrum--from the pre-diagnosed to the IVF veteran. She tells the questioner that when speaking to her pre-infertile friend, she should admit "that it's hard for everyone to know what to say."
Simple, really, but it goes far. For those who crave a solution, it provides company while they seek it. For those who wish to not have their feelings dismissed, it states an obvious truth. Even those who think they could put into words how they need others to support may find that their needs change from day to day, hour to hour.
Hello, My Name is M... and I'm an Infertile had a brilliant post this week explaining why she can't simply state what she needs:
I really appreciate when other people ask, but unfortunately it also means that I have to answer. And really, there is no good answer. At first, I tried asking for what I needed that day. Sometimes it was to listen, other times to leave me alone, still others to ignore it and pretend life was normal. This was all great while I was in that moment, but the problem arose when I left that moment and they were still doing what I had asked of them. Then I was left feeling hurt and upset that they didn't understand... What I need shifts daily, or even hourly.
Isn't TTC Supposed To Be Fun? wrote in regards to the wrong things people say: "I'm coming up to TTC for a year and a half, and the comments are just ROLLING in. I stopped talking about TTC at work because 1. It really is no one's business, and 2. I was tired of hearing 'You're trying to hard, just relax' from people that have never ever been in my situation before in their lives."
Reproductively Challenged told a story about a student at the acupuncturists who tried to make her feel better about using acupuncture in conjunction with IVF by telling her that people can conceive well into their fifties. When Ms Heathen pointed out that those women usually use donor eggs, the student reassured her that
