What Side Of the Bed Do You Sleep On?

What side of the bed do you sleep on? Does it change if you sleep alone or with another person?


I was in a hotel room last year in Orlando, Florida, sitting on the left side of the bed watching tv when Capricorn appeared on my left, attempting to get into bed, and said "Babe, move over."

"Huh? Oh, ok," I said, pushing back the blankets and moving over, switching to the side closest to the white stucco wall and bad George O'Keefe-esque artwork (you know what I'm talking about).

That's when I realized: I was technically sitting on my side of the bed. I sleep on the left side of our bed every night. But in our bedroom, the left side of the bed is by the closet. In this hotel room, the left side of the bed was closest to the outside door. So, it wasn't about what side of the bed he prefers, it has to do with the proximity to the door versus wall. If he hadn't had said anything to me, there was a great likelihood I would have crawled over to the side of the bed closet to the wall. Subconsciously.

Why do I do this? Ninjas. If ninjas arrive in the night my selfish, anti-feminist hope is that he'll protect me, or they will kill him first and be satisfied. That's the truth. Feminism means little to me in the dark at 3am. 

Good morning, Jean. I have come to murder you.


I thought back and realized I never sleep by the door. Furthermore, the times I have, have been because someone else purposely wanted to sleep by the wall--I didn't like it, and it made it harder to get to sleep. I'm totally a wall sleeper. Subconsciously because of ninjas.

This struck me. Am I a wimp? Is this common? Also--I'm not a mom--the only cries that wake me up in the middle of the night are that of a lonely cat, not a baby that needs me. (The cats crying wake me up in a second, while Capricorn sleeps soundly... but that's for another blog post.)

The only day of the year Capricorn begrudgingly lets me sleep on his side of the bed is New Year's Day morning, when I will inevitably be making trips to the bathroom to throw up. Classy, I know.

So, I took a poll of the women I know: Moms, childless, married, single, different nationalities, heterosexual, homosexual... you name it, I asked.  

Here's what I found:

1. Donna*: Married, Mother of a toddler, early 30's: "I sleep by the door because I leave the room more often (demanding kid) and it's cold by the windows. If I'm sleeping alone, then I sleep in the middle of the bed and enjoy the freedom."

2. Floriana: Engaged, childless, mid twenties: "I sleep closest to the wall and [my fiance] sleeps by the door..same reason you explained..damn ninjas. Although I slept on his side a few times and i enjoyed it!"

3. Emily*: Single, childless, living alone, mid twenties: "He always sleep by the door also, I just sleep on the other side (the one he doesn't pick) and its like that anywhere we are. When I sleep alone I sleep in the middle of the bed and then when I sleep with my dog... She takes all the space and she is by the door just like he does."

4. Rachel*: Married, two young girls, and currently pregnant, late twenties: "Wow I'm the friggin ninja! LOL I never realized it but I've ALWAYS had the side by the door."

5. Jessa*: Married, two young girls, early thirties: "I sleep by the door...since hubby is a firefighter and works 24-48hr shifts, when he IS home, a bomb could go off and he wouldn't hear it. Example...woke up at 2am one night to some crazy loud "crashing" sound in kitchen. Did anyone hear it? Dog...nope. Hubby...snoring. Kids...amazingly not. So then I start freaking out and wake up hubby. He gets outta bed and grabs an EFFING hanger to walk downstairs with. What was he gonna do, hang the killers coat up?!? (I should input that he has a FOID card with a locked handgun in our room...and he grabs the hanger). Me, I took the dog and went into kids room WITH a cell phone and wished him luck. All that and it was nothing (I swear out house is haunted, seriously)."

6. Erin*: living with girlfriend, childless, late twenties: "Sadly enough for girl power, I am the exact same way. I always sleep by the wall and my partner always sleeps by the door. This hasn't changed, even when my partner has. I had a rather butch gf once that even took it a step further. She would always walk on the curb side of the street, with me to the inside. She always went out if her way to do this so I asked her about it one day. Her reply was thst her dad always protected her mom and she did the same for me. I remember thinking it was super sweet at the time. Very 50's, but very sweet. I don't feel comfortable sleeping near the door, logically I know nothing bad is going to happen to me but somehow I just need to move over.

7. Brittany*: single, childless, living with roommate, early thirties: "By the wall if I'm dating, if not by the door."

8. Ivanna*: In a serious long-distance relationship, childless, living with roommate, late twenties: "Never thought about it..[Current Boyfriend] sleeps by the wall and I sleep by the door and it was like that in my other apartment too..he likes the right side of the bed and I like the left..if I'm sleeping alone I'm usually on whatever side is not by a wall or in the middle of the bed. P.S. [My ex] and [Current Boyfriend] both did the whole side walk thing Erin mentioned."

9. Natalie*: Newly single, childless, living with roommate, late twenties: "I sleep by the door when I sleep with someone, in the middle of the bed when alone and with my dog when possible."

10. Olive*: In a relationship, childless, living with parents, late twenties: "I sleep by the wall. I'm not dealing with that shit in the middle of the night."

[Author's Note: Natalie is my cousin, who just entered her late twenties. Haha, you're old like me now. Happy birthday, Cupcake!]


RESULTS

What did I find out?

THE MAJORITY OF CHILDLESS WOMEN: Most of us childless women, when sleeping with a significant other, prefer the wall side.

This is what I like to call the Late-Night Ninja Theory: We're letting you sleep in our bed, if ninjas show up in the middle of the night, it's your problem, buddy.

CHANGING SIDES WHEN ALONE: But, just like Emily, Brittany and Floriana, I change where I sleep when I'm alone. Since I am currently sleeping without my significant other, I sleep in the middle of the bed, given that at any time there is one or both cats sleeping next to me. I guess it's my job to protect them from ninjas. 

Bailey, my current bed sharer.


DOOR-PREFERRING WOMEN: Three of my women, Rachel, Ivanna and Natalie cited they prefer the door side. Perhaps the thought of ninjas never entered their minds. This is almost a third of the women, enough to suggest that women do not ALWAYS pick the wall side. They are still the minority, but prove it's not an automatic response. Besides, Natalie is in the army, she takes down ninajs on a regular basis.

MOMS: The pattern of moms--especially of young children--sleep by the door side, giving them easier access to their children. Apparently ninjas mean nothing if you have a little one who needs you. Or you're are sleep-deprived and don't give a fuck if ninjas exist or not, you have a screaming baby at 4am and will not hesitate to take down a trifling ninja. Rationality.


How does your answer stack up to the women in my survey? Do you purposely choose your side of the bed, or are you just choosing the side of the bed your significant other isn't occupying. I find it interesting.

Ninjas be trifling,

Lady J

Copyright © 2012 Lady J
All rights reserved

*Names have been changed

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