What Too Long Should Say Very Quickly to You.

So here we go, way back again to the dark days freshly post BMX when I was trying to be all egalitarian and shit and was still…wait for this…naïve enough to assume: “Well, he probably looks better in person.” as in making an ass of me, myself and I. Sigh.

Note: this phenomenon IS entirely possible just not highly probable, kind of like your favourite shoes going on sale for 50% off in your size when you need them for a wedding that weekend. It has totally happened to me more than once - the guy not the shoes - and it was great but I don’t expect it and I’m saying you’d be happier all around if you didn’t either.

As far as wheelhouses go, the next guy I went on a first date with after my 36 no show had his boat in AN ocean but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t mine. Yeah. I distinctly remember looking at his profile pic and doing that whole extrapolation thing, squinting with one eye and going: “Yeah yeah…it’ll be fine.” Tf was I thinking, you ask? Tf, I was NOT thinking. Obviously. I was just on a mission to be distracted and I foolishly thought it would be worth it to go out with ANYONE for a few hours. Oh Nelly, I was such a newbie then…

Why I even replied at all was because I read his profile and found it well written and articulate; I’m such a fucking sucker for the writing. However, it was long and I don’t just mean a little bit beyond the norm. I mean it took several times to scroll down the length of his “about me” and his “first date.” to go through it. SEVERAL. And because I was still so refreshingly innocent, I didn’t recognize it for the red flag that it was, though all “how to write an effective dating profile” articles say "yeah NO."

Now I’m going to stop right here and add my own personal observation: Someone whose profile is THAT LONG has wayyyy too much time on his hands and, in the online dating world, that is NOT a good thing. Hello…

Now, while my own “about me” is not exactly truncated, no one’ s going to get carpal tunnel reading it and I’m not listing or ruminating or even worse pontificating and believe you me, I’ve since seen all of these. While it is possible to do long well, again not probable. It’s like Vegas, girlies - play the odds.

Sooo I went to meet Mr. Garrulous-On-Paper for a drink and the moment I laid eyes on him I realized I had vastly oversold him to myself and it was going to be a longgg night. However, using my manners, I went along with good grace and hoped for the best.

What I got instead was someone who was not only a regular Chatty Cathy in person but who proceeded to argue with me about MY OWN PROFILE. He informed me I was NOT shy and I did NOT suck at dating - and no, it was NOT endearing - and then he asked me to tell him something I wouldn’t normally tell anyone…! I wanted to say: “Why THE FUCK would I tell YOU, then??” Yeah. So much for my good attitude. I was downright inner surly at that point, though never outright rude, and I didn’t know who I was madder at...him or myself. He wasn’t evil by any means, just not for me. At. All.

It finally ended, way too much later, when he said to me: “You’re exactly how I pictured you!” and I, in my only completely honest moment all night, said: “You’re not how I pictured you.” He recognized it for what it was and wrapped it up minutes later. Ttfl.

Now here’s another completely rookie mistake I had to live through: the walk back up a long fucking hill with the guy who STILL would not stop talking and deliberately? bumping into me. Then we took the same public transport…GAH! I’m killing myself just reliving it. BRU. TAL.

And this whole debacle of a date could have easily been avoided had I been cognizant of the forewarning that is the lengthy profile above and beyond what is necessary, interesting or seemly. Oh…that and not having had the shit kicked out of me by love. NICE. And while I’m able to say I’ve not had to defend my own profile again, I still had lessons coming to me, disguised as more meet and greets. Good times!

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