What We Wish You Knew: Supporting Loved Ones in Infertility
Our infertility journey has persisted the better part of 3 years and in
that time, we've been through a lot of stages ranging from anger, to
ambivalence, to acceptance. In that time we've also encountered a lot
of well meaning "advice" and "encouragement" from friends and family
that very often, is more hurtful or confusing than helpful. These are
thoughts I've gathered after speaking with a lot of infertile couples
over the years and the sentiments toward the various quips tend to be
pretty consistent. I want to share them here to better equip the
friends and families of infertile couples to comfort and encourage them.
Fundamentally, this is a grief process.
The first thing that is tantamount to understanding the broken heart of an infertile couple is realizing that infertility is a loss and a death
that needs to be grieved. It is often the loss of a lifelong dream. It
is the loss of what could have been and for couples who choose not to
pursue other methods, it is the loss of legacy of children,
grandchildren and many many memories. In Christian couples especially,
it can also be the death of what the grievers thought was either their
or every married Christian's purpose in Christendom. The church has
been silent for too long on infertility and is both ill equipped and
insufficiently motivated to minister to people who struggle with it. We
place such a large emphasis on children and families in the American
church and there is such an unspoken way things are done-you find a
nice guy or gal, court, marry, have kids and live happily ever after.
Sometimes an infertile couple can almost feel "lost" and alone in this
big world that seems to overlook us (though we acknowledge it is
inadvertently so).
Because this is a grieving process, there is
no way to rush through, around or over it. Your patience and grace will
be of unending value to the couple grieving. And just like every other
grief process, it will cycle. There are stages of acceptance, anger,
devastation, sadness, hope, loneliness, despair and ambivalence. There
is no "getting over it" and it is a gut wrenching, emotionally
consuming process that everyone goes through differently.
With
that background, here are a few well-intentioned quips that are meant
to be helpful, but are often times very painful. We all know in our
heads that these are well intentioned, sincere, and borne out of a
desire to help, but depending on where we are in our grief cycle, our
hurt hearts can overrule our heads and we can lash out or bury that bur
and carry it for a long time.
Not so helpful words of advice
Have you considered adoption?
Without question, this is the most common thing said to us. I would
wager a guess that any infertile couple you would encounter is aware of
the existence of adoption without it being suggested. Some couples may
get there, but the decision is a very personal, difficult one, and is
not answered out of a desire to "replace" or "substitute" a biological
child. There are a couple issues at play.
I have lost my dream
of ever giving birth to a precious angel with my husband's eyes and my
grandma's smile, and no child conceived of another will ever mend that
ache. That particular part of my heart will never be full. Just as you
would never say to a grieving spouse "Why don't you just marry someone
else?" the proposition to an infertile couple that they "just" adopt,
is rarely helpful.
Unfortunately however, the world often
portrays it that way. Many couples only turn to adoption after their
biological road has ended and this is unfortunate but at the end of the
day, I think most stable Americans should at least consider adoption
because there are far more children in need of homes than there are
parents willing to love them. I completely agree that not every couple
is called to adopt, but that question should not be contingent on
biological reproductive ability anyway. The bottom line is that the
question could easily be asked of you (the fertile), "Why don't you
adopt?" and the question would be equally awkward, biology aside. The
decision to adopt a child hinges on so much more than biological
capacity or lack thereof.
Relax. It will happen when it happens.
This is probably one of the most nonsensical approaches I've heard and
unfortunately, it's the second most common thing we hear. While it is
true that stress may be a factor in some
infertility cases, and it's true that stress can compound any other
problem, a large number of infertile couples suffer from true medical
malfunctions that require treatment. Relaxing won't cure cancer or the
flu, and it won't cure infertility.
Additionally, infertility
often presents interpersonal challenges between the spouses and with
their friends and family. They're probably doing their very best to
navigate the emotional waters as best they can while still keeping
their relationship in tact. This journey is stressful, painful, and
tiring. Telling them to "relax" is as futile as telling a two year old
to sit still, or a grieving spouse to stop missing his beloved.
Lastly,
telling a couple to relax implies that their infertility to that point
has been their fault and if they would just keep their emotions in
check and settle down, everything would be fine. Infertility is not
earned or deserved though sometimes I confess that if I had a "reason"
for having this cross to bear, it might make it a little easier.
My friend was infertile for years and now she has 5 children! God is good! This
is a very touchy area and I encourage you to tread lightly. It is true
that God is the great Physician and that He can heal any malady. It's
also true that for a lot of people, He does heal them. It is also true though that in a lot of cases, He doesn't heal them, and He is still good.
These
stories are meant to encourage and give hope and sometimes they do. I
would just caution that sometimes all they do is make the sufferer
grieve more, because it's a painful reminder that God can heal and to
this point, has chosen not to. That can be a very hard reality to
accept, especially if He has chosen to hide His reason why or His
alternate plan.
I have no advice or way for you to determine
where your loved one is at (other than to ask her) but I would just
encourage you to tread carefully here. Barren women (and men), I would
also encourage you that if this is a particular area of struggle for
you, be honest with your friends and family and ask them to refrain
from sharing their "miracle" stories at this time.
There will come a day when we can again dream of miracles, it just might not be today.
"Let Go and Let God." or "Give it to God. Trust Him."
This is also a double edged sword. On the one hand every Christian,
every day, in every situation needs to deny himself and surrender to
God. And universally it is true that there are some circumstances that
are harder for us to surrender than others. We acknowledge that with
our heads, and know that the person offering this words sincerely
understands the daily struggle to "let go" in their own journey. On the
other hand, it can come across as flippant, and again as placing the
blame on the couple. "If you just trusted God more, you could have a
child." The reality of it is that the couple could be 100% successful
in trusting God with this area of their life and His answer may still
be "No" or "Not right now."
Though perhaps once I get to that
point of 100% acceptance and trust (I long for that day), perhaps such
a thing wouldn't be so upsetting. Who knows...
I understand. I experienced... I
think this can be said of any uncomfortable situation. When we don't
know what to say, we often try to fill the void with our own
experiences in an attempt to empathize. At the end of the day, the
reality is that this just can't
be understood by someone who hasn't been there. The grief and pain are
so acute. And I imagine that any one else who has personally suffered
some other life trauma would say the same thing about people who
haven't experienced their
kind of pain. The best thing you can say is "I can't imagine what
you're going through but know I love you and I want to support you."
Any attempts to compare your situation to theirs can be very
frustrating and hurtful for the griever. Please understand, I'm sure
your loved one loves you and wants to support you in your own place in
life in whatever your trial may be, but not in the context of it being
comparable or similar to this particular element of their own.
Conclusion
This
may sound like a crabby, demanding list of dos and don'ts. I certainly
hope it doesn't sound like that. This is borne out of a sincere desire
to better equip those who have expressed interest in learning how to
better support their friends and family members currently experiencing
infertility. It is the last desire of any couple I know to make their
loved ones feel like they have to walk on egg shells so it is my hope
that I haven't created that expectation.
Please also know that
if you are a dear loved one of mine (or anyone else's) who has ever
said any of these things, please do not fret. This is not designed to
blame, condemn or judge anyone or question the sincerity of anyone who
has been well intended in anything they have said. This is designed only to give you some alternate suggestions to consider the next time an opportunity to encourage someone comes along.
One of the very best things you can do for your loved ones is just walk and be
with them during this time. Hug them, love them, cry with them, hold
them, pray with and for them. Don't try to "fix" or advise them. There
will be a time for that, and at that time they will seek out advice and
counsel, but the knowledge that they have your unconditional love will
be invaluable.
We hate the random meltdowns at pregnancy
announcements and baby showers as much as you do. We hate the struggles
with jealousy and anger and resentment, too. And we pray fiercely that
this will eventually be calmed in our hearts. But the knowledge that
you love us through it all will be of more comfort than anything else
you could say or do.
We also know that we don't want
you to be able to understand this grief first hand. I don't know of any
infertile couple who would wish this cross on anyone else. So in that
regard, we are glad when our
loved ones can't or don't understand because they have been spared this
pain. But that doesn't always make the loneliness that accompanies this
journey any more bearable. Know that we love and appreciate you, and we
appreciate your grace and patience as we do our best to show you that
when our hearts are trying to get the better of us.
