What THIS woman wants from men

Since my resentment at being lumped under "women" by this pointless list has made me go and start a blog and be yet another voice in the cacophany, I might as well reproduce the full list here, with my comments (in italics).

Full disclosure: I'm 37. The original article was probably written by a 14 year old wanting to sound 25.

"What Women Want from Men - 50 Things She Wishes You Knew
Universal truths that all men should--but don't--understand"
Except, of course, that, nothing is universally true in a diverse universe.

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't count.

 Oh, yes, it does. If you mean it, if that time you are making love to me, as an expression of your love. We both realize that that's only one kind of sex, and if you mouth the words while we're having any other kind of sex, you're just a clumsy little boy. I've known many clumsy little boys, but, strangely enough, none of them did this.

2. Real men drive stick shift

 I could not care less. I don't care what you drive. I don't care if you drive. I'm not twelve; the only wheels I care about are my own.

3. I will leave if you lie.

 Please. Everybody lies. Let's tell each other the truth, the lies, the dreams - and revisit them all  while they morph into one another ... let's have a truly fearless relationship.

4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).

 OK. I still haven't figured out what those are. Strongly suspect the child who wrote this wears Uggs, though.

5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48 hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.

 Not every month. Actually, I rather think the child who wrote this list was male.

6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.

 Sometimes. Rather depends on how you hug, what you whisper, and whether I  like you that day.

7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.

 Do women really ask men how they look and actually care about their response? Do women actually ask "does this make me look fat?" Who are these women?

The only relevant experience I have is this. When I'm in looks, and you first see me, and your eyes widen and your breath catches for a split second... yeah, that's pretty good.

 8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.

 Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about a nameless faceless fantasy man constructed for the purposes of the fantasy. When, rarely, I fantasize about a man I know, it is always the same man. It is not the man I have a relationship with. I'm not proud of this; nor does it bother me. My fantasies are my own (except when I'm blogging about them :)

9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.

 Okay, this one's spot on. And I've already become her in some ways I could never imagine ten years ago.

10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.

 Nope, sorry. Let me read the email, then we'll see. And if you cannot write, for heaven's sake, don't.

11. I expect you to call me.

 Only if you have something to say to me. Or if you want to hear what I have to say to you. Sometimes we can talk for an entire night, exploring the world through each other's minds. Sometimes we can just ask a two minute question. Please don't call me to kill time. Please learn to hang up when the conversation's over. Please understand I have a life, and I'd like to believe you do, too.

12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.

 Wear what you please. And so shall I.

13. I'm scared of losing my independence.

 When I suspend my independence for your sake, it is only temporary. I am sorry if I raised your expectations by being too considerate early on. I promise you, if I ever have another lover, I'll start things off on the worst possible foot.

14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.

 This is a good way to live. When I can manage it. I seriously doubt that being as gentle with you as I can, and burying it all, until it erupts someplace (usually in ulcers, but sometimes, a few times a year, even with snapping back at you) is anything to brag about. We're both forgiving of each other. We have to be.

15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card.

 Don't ever try to manipulate me with sex. Ever. I wrote the book on that.

 Don't try things out because you imagine I might like them, or some other woman told you women like them. Do what you enjoy. The most unforgettable man I have ever had was one completely without an agenda. He merely celebrated both our bodies. Wish to God he'd found more in me to celebrate than my body.

16. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly above.)

 I'll get over it. Make space for me to express myself if I want to, if I care about us and about the behavior enough. If not, I deserve to stew. I'll try very hard not to take it out on you.

17. If I'm not having sex with you, I'm... a.) ...having a fat day. b.) ...not feeling "connected" to you. c.) ...blackmailing you to get something I want.

 If I am not having sex with you,  (a) I don't want a relationship with you that involves sex, and even if I'm tempted right this minute, I've learned that men are completely unable to get the idea of a one night stand, so it's safer to do without (b) I want you so damn much it scares me and I'm trying to establish control --- or, if we're already in a named relationship, (c) you have not asked for it. I've never refused sex in a long term relationship, not even when it's undescribably, painfully unwelcome. Not to keep you, either - you're always free to go. Just not to hurt you. If you don't like hearing this, help me build a more robust connection with you.

18. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.

 I don't notice men's shoes. I don't notice fashionable people.

 My shoes express how sexy I feel that day. Or it might be that I was trying to cheer myself up. Or it might be that I had an important meeting.

19. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.

 Never heard of her.

20. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.

 I know enough to save those comparisons for girlie talk with my friends.

21. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when we're just going to the movies.

 Sounds lovely, if you feel like it once in a while. Has nothing to do with my love, though. A man I love lives by his principles even when it means significant discomfort to himself, is able to change his mind, truly respects people and opinons he opposes, and never parrots anyone... of such things is love made; candy's just calories.

22. You look hot in hooded clothing items.

 You look like you're about to rob a bank - in hooded clothing, baseball caps, and that disgusting five o clock shadow. But if that's how you're comfortable, more power to you.

23. You should never tell me what to do.

 Unless I'm attempting home improvement. Or roadside repairs. Or interfacing with your family. Or cooking.

24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.

 Not unless you're okay with oatmeal when you've slept over.

25. My breasts love much licking and sucking.

 My breasts were permanently damaged by ignorant, clumsy, and perverted men and their games. Gentle ministrations, sometimes just your breath, can mean ecstasy if you've turned my mind on. If you pinch and squeeze and twist my nipples, I'll make the porn sounds you like so much, and all the time I'll be imagining crushing your balls till they're black and blue and quite flat.

26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.

 I will. If I like you reasonably well. And I don't have anything else I'd rather do then.

27. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.

 Only if it's something I know about, and if you listen, and if you decide what to do yourself.

28. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.

 Nor with a man who always takes the lead. Variety, variety.

29. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.


30. I want to be Madonna.

 Not even a little. (I assume we mean the pop star. The original, now that would be cool.)

31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers.


32. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.

 Not even close.

33. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.

 Of this list: fixing things, and holding a baby.

 You're sexy when you're being kind, when you're being humble, when you're having a good time, when you listen to me, when you're laughing at me for being silly, when you're around animals, when you're letting me taste your drink, when you're risking your dignity trying something new, when you're excited about something you learned, when you're doing anything you excel at, when you get that look in your eyes that's so satisfying and a little scary, when you have the perfect last word...

34. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.

 I do. Not that often. But if I'm still wondering ten years after I stopped seeing you... no, that isn't a point in  your favor.

35. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.

 I appreciate the effort, really.

How to say this?

I make my own money and have my own taste. I really mourn wasted money and time. Please, please don't choose clothing, jewelry, perfume, dietary supplements, books, or music for me, unless you have some inkling as to what I like... which no husband of mine ever has, yet. Don't surprise me when I'm tired. Don't try too hard. Don't imitate movies.

If you have one spur of the moment impulse that's truly you and truly me... if you see one flower in the park, and pick it and tuck it behind my ear... that moment I will treasure for ever.

36. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to recognize this.

 No. I want you to have experiences that are so full and so amazing that a mere relationship with a woman could not even begin to touch them. Then take the you that grows from all those experiences, and share him with me.

37. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....


 I am not and have never been tempted by strangers.  I will never "start looking". Even though I don't believe in lifelong commitments, and know I was a fool to agree to one, I will be true to my word for as long as I possibly can. ... You have no idea how hard this is getting, though. I don't care about feeling loved. But I crave a person who would know me, respect me, appreciate me, and leave me alone. As I age, I frantically miss the pleasure I shared with one man, and I long for motherhood. I so wish I could talk about this honestly with someone.

38. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.

 I'd like us to be able to talk about anything that shaped us. But I don't think I could.

39. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know yourself.

 I love it when I can hear what I'm thinking. I know you're lonely, I know you need to talk, but I don't care about any of the things you talk about... This is my daily penance, and it is killing me... please, please ration this until I can build some reserves. Please be nice enough to people to find a couple more friends.

40. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns major bonus points.

 I don't know our anniversary. I like spending my birthday and New Year's Eve alone. I never know what exactly you want for your birthday.

41. I love it when you're sweaty.

 It's been known to happen. Not so I'd ever think about it if not prompted.

42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.

 Read my lips: N-O. I'm nothing like your gal pals.

43. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.

 Anything you do every time I see you will start chafing after the first week. Read my mood. And obey your own.

44. I like porn.

 I like beautiful bodies and erotic stories and passionate words and rich sensations. I have hooks from teenage years that almost never fail to arouse me. Porn?...A couple of exquisite, artistic, imaginative examples have made me wish I could see more like that. Most infantile porn puts me the sleep. Some makes me want to laugh. Some makes me want to throw up.

45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.

Every man is different. Every time is different.

46. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.

It's getting tiresome to answer each of these "universal" rules with "it depends," but, by golly, I shall persevere till number 50.

47. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...

 I don't own you. No part of you. Ever. I don't want to. And I don't want to diminish you. There are hundreds of things you may want to do with other people that you don't want me to know about, and I don't need to know about them.

48. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.

 (a) If you can be satisfied by a lesser woman, release me - I only have this one life.

(b) If you find me a worthy rival, then... you're welcome to each other. There are a few things in this world I would fight for. A man is not one of them.

(c) If we haven't committed at all, and you want to play the game of jealousy and pain-pleasure for just a little while, understand it takes two to play. Sauce for the goose...

(d) If you pick a disease from someone and transmit it to me, I shall castrate you.

49. I remember everything about our relationship.

 I have a very poor memory. I do keep a journal. I only mention men in it when they've dones something spectacular.

50. You should know all this and more without my telling you.

Absolutely not.

I don't even know that anyone will read any of this, but how good it has felt just to be putting it down. Ask me... do.

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