What a Wonderful Whole New World

I'll let you decide which of these is a more appropriate song to headline this post.

Not too long ago, I heard about this blogging contest called the “Create a World” contest. I immediately thought to myself, “I should enter this contest. I don’t know what the rules are or what, if anything, the reward is. But I REALLY SHOULD create a world.” So in typical foolish fashion, I started creating this world and hadn’t read any contest rules. I looked for an e-mail address to send my world to and promptly sent it off a few hours before the deadline. Later, it occurred to me that I should have read the rules to the contest. I don’t think this was exactly what they were looking for. And you’ve probably guessed by now that I didn’t win.

So I thought I’d share my world with you, my loyal readers. Here goes…

I want to make a lot of money really quick so that I can retire and buy a small to medium-sized continent. I thought about just buying a country but I felt like it would be too easy for people to slip across the border in a country, so I’d rather have a continent. That way I can better control who comes in. For the most part, everyone will be allowed but some people won’t. Like people who wear blue eye shadow on purpose. And people who pop gum.

I want it to be a place where everyone can go sockless year-round. As a matter of fact, socks will be banned from my continent. Actually, no. That doesn’t make any sense. So scratch that, you can wear socks if you want. Especially if you are a man wearing dress shoes.

I want to spend the bulk of my day lying flat on my back, looking at the sky (or ceiling if it’s raining) daydreaming.  Please note: It will only be allowed to rain 1-2 times per month because rain makes my hair frizzy, but I know it is necessary to make the flowers grow. And I like flowers. Except for when they make me sneeze.

And now that I think about it, I’m thinking WAY too small…I’m supposed to create a world, not just a continent! So let’s see…if I could create a WORLD, in addition to the things above, I would make it where narcissism is a perfectly acceptable character trait. In fact, it would be considered a virtue and would be required!  So the next time someone says to me, “Your hair is beautiful!” or “Your nails are really pretty!” it will be okay to respond with, “Yes. Yes, I know.” Anyone who is caught responding to a compliment with “Thank you!” will have to go sit in time-out.

And speaking of compliments, it will be perfectly acceptable to punch a person in his or her ear or kneecap a minimum of two times if they give you a backhanded compliment.  You know what a backhanded compliment is…one that is a hidden insult, whether intentional or unintentional. Something like, “OMG!! You’ve lost SO MUCH weight since the last time I saw you! I mean really…you look SO different. What did you do? OMG!”  What they’re really saying is, “You used to be REALLY fat! Did you starve yourself? Cuz now you’re a lot LESS fat!” In this particular example, you can punch them in their left ear or right kneecap or both (depending on if they call other people over to glare at your less-fatness or co-sign what they’re saying).

There would be periodic, yet mandatory pronunciation lessons for everyone. These lessons will give special emphasis to words like “realtor” and “nuclear” and other words that are frequently mispronounced. If you can prove that you already know how to properly pronounce these words, you will be granted permission to do something else during the lesson like work on a puzzle or write a love letter. Or paint your nails. You know, something that stimulates your brain. But you still have to come. The only way you can miss the lesson is if you have a doctor’s note.

And speaking of doctors, in my world, we probably wouldn’t need doctors because I wouldn’t allow anybody to get sick. But I would still keep a couple on hand, just in case. For example, if my world gets infiltrated by another world unknowingly and they bring over some horrible disease or something, we would need some doctors around to help cure it. But in general, if you have a doctor’s appointment that is scheduled for 3:00 p.m. you would ALWAYS hear the words “the doctor will see you now” at 3:00 p.m. Not 4:30. Not 3:45. 3:00 p.m.  And if the nurse calls you back to the room at 3:00 p.m., weighs you, takes your blood pressure, and asks you a zillion questions, the doctor better come in RIGHT behind the nurse! If there is more than 5 minutes between when the doctor arrives OR doc comes in and asks you ALL the same questions over again, let me know. I’ll put them all in time-out.

In any world I create, dessert would ALWAYS come first. A slice of Key Lime pie. A slug of caramel cake. And THEN if you have any room left, you’re allowed to have some sort of entrée. And then if you STILL have room left, you can have a salad. And all restaurants would be required to have at least 10 dessert options, and at least 5 of those options must be chocolate-free (see above examples). The current world we live in discriminates against those of us who are not chocolate freaks. So the new world I would create would end this discrimination! We should all be treated equally!

And speaking of food, I would ensure that those who regularly suffer from food envy (like myself) are offered the appropriate amount of counseling and support they need to recover from this illness. I would staff the counseling centers with people certified in teaching proper restaurant protocol. For example, they would teach you how to (1) make a freakin’ decision; (2) make the decision in a timely manner; (3) not change your order when the people’s food at the table next to yours comes out looking and smelling FABULOUS; (4) wait until the person at your table who orders something that looks or smells better than yours offers you some of their meal first…don’t ask for or take anything off their plate (but once they do offer, take full advantage of the opportunity); and (5) realize that it is just ONE meal! If it’s not good, it’s okay. There is always tomorrow…hopefully! And it shouldn’t be a big deal anyway if you had dessert first like you should have!

And finally, in my world, once I’ve spent a sufficient amount of time daydreaming, wallowing in my own narcissism, punching people in their kneecaps, painting my nails, putting people in time-out, eating caramel cake, and graduating from food-envy rehab, I would like to spend the rest of my days writing a screenplay that will be so awesome that it wouldn’t stand a chance at an Oscar!

That is all.

If you could create a world, what would it include or definitely NOT include? What would you require or disallow? Create your own “mini-world” in the comments section!

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