Whatever you do, don't call me a witch... unless, of course, I land my broom on your face.

broom

I love this time of year! If it were up to me, everyday would be Halloween; in fact, if you're daredevil enough to take a 3:00am stroll through Midtown Atlanta any day of the year, you might actually argue that it IS!

It would be hard for anyone to put me in a bad mood while I'm struttin' around town in my favorite boots, enjoying another crisp, fall afternoon; but guess what... it actually is possible, and happens often enough to justify my creating a top 10 list of rules to abide by whenever coming into contact with yours truly. So without further adieu... here it is:

                                                             

                                    How NOT to be Annoying in Ten Easy Steps

  1. If, while at a red light, I motion for you to allow me the courtesy of cutting in line, DO NOT pull up next to me, roll your window down and say, "I'm so sorry! I'm in a big rush!" while proceeding to roll your car up three inches closer to the one that is stopped in front of you.
  2. I know you saw me walking to the cashier that just lit up her open sign, so do me a favor and don't race me to it. And if you do, at least have the courtesy to look me in the eye as you unload your full cart of groceries while I struggle to balance an armful of oddly shaped perishables.
  3. Wow, you must really be important! But let me let you in on a little secret... no one at Starbucks gives a shit, so either turn your cheesy, little Bluetooth off or take it outside!
  4. There is no cashier, waiter or barista in any city of the world that wants to count two handfuls of change–not even your banker. Throw them in a Ziploc and find the nearest coinstar, then maybe I won't trip you the next time you try and jump in front of me.
  5. If you aren't 100% sure what it is that you want to order, get out of line until you are.
  6. There's never going to be a good time to ask me for an honest opinion, so don't... unless you want one. And if you do, please don't cry when I give it.
  7. People at crosswalks: I'm letting you walk in front of my car because it is the law and because I am a courteous, law-abiding citizen; don't make me change my mind... I have a big car.
  8. If we pass each other on the street and I wave, don't pretend you're looking at the building three blocks away. We both know you saw me.
  9. Please don't scream at your kids in public. It makes you look like a giant ass and makes them want to come home with me: a fate that most children would pay good money to experience, especially yours.
  10. No one is impressed; and the more you whine about how stressed out you've been because both of your nannies had the day off and no one was there to help unload yourMercedes after an afternoon splurge at Neimans, the less likely anyone is to care. ....And the more likely I am to land my broom on your face! 

sassypiehole

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