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Sometimes I wish there could be some kinds of rules about when and how people say they love one another. It’s just all over the map. There’s the casual male friend who sent me a sweet note this week about a blog post and signed it Love, (His name), and the long-time boyfriend who says “Love you,” and all the people in between, for each of whom the L word means something different.
In my own life, and in my first dating relationships post-divorce, I think I used the L word before I really knew what it meant to me in the context of friendship/dating/sexuality. Back then, I was so eager to be loved, I let myself say “I love you,” to someone I deeply cared for, but felt I was not (yet) in romantic love with. This person, of course, felt completely differently, and the eventual disastrous end to our relationship was definitely spurred on by the differences not only in what we wanted, but what kind of love we felt for one another. In a later relationship, “I love you” came really quickly for the man in question, whose feelings were fast and furious, and I again was probably too quick about responding in kind, mostly because I wasn’t able to tell the difference between what I felt for him and my own need for feeling loved (did I love him for who he was or because he loved me? Ahem…)
Love has many forms, all valuable
It’s been a couple of years now since my marriage ended, and I’ve had time to give love and saying ‘I love you’ to someone a lot more thought. Recently, I’ve realized that I can feel real love for someone I am dating, care for them deeply, and yet that doesn’t mean I need to tell them I am in love, or to use the L word in the usual way. I’ve found myself saying “You know I care for you,” because I didn’t feel ready to say “I love you.” I also think I wanted people I was dating to declare themselves, probably too early on, so it could ease my feelings of insecurity. These days, I’ve moved away from wanting those I am involved with too say it too early, because there is so much ambiguity around what it means to each of us.
At the same time, I’ve realized that I have more love to give than I thought. This belief means that I have become much freer in telling close friends I love them. Rather than love one partner and love my child, I see myself as loving multiple people in different ways—as friends, family, lovers. I’ve also come to recognize that feeling love for someone is a wonderful thing and that the people we love are very precious. As a result, I’ve become more expressive around making sure close friends know how special they are to me—and how much I value them—and to sometimes say “I love you” as part of that message.
If you’re reading this and wondering if I am going to talk at all about how to make the decision to tell someone you are seeing that you love them, you’re right here, right now. In the past six months, as I’ve become both freer in expressing my feelings and more cautious and reflective as labeling myself “in love,” my desire to find someone who could be a committed partner and emotional center in my life has gained momentum and focus. On one hand, it seems unthinkable to imagine that I wouldn’t enter into a state of being in romantic love with someone by first coming to love them as a friend, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t crave falling in love, even if I question the notion of “The One.” (The thing is, my sense of what that love means and how it plays out has changed radically since my days in a nuclear family--like the 48% of American women who live alone, I no longer believe moving into a castle with Mr. Prince Charming is best version of happily ever after.)
When do you say the L word?
But no matter how you conceptualize the future, there is that moment in any love relationship where you have to consider declaring yourself, And boy, is that scary.
With the first person I fell in love with, post-divorce, I was so thrilled I could have those feelings that I had few worries about
