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Late this summer, my father died. I'm still grieving the loss. I will be grieving the loss for the rest of my life. But the rest of life is a very long time, and there are many days to get through, and so I work very hard on coping and I think that I'm doing pretty well. But some days are harder than others. Some days are much harder than others. Holidays are the hardest.
I knew that holidays - that any special day that I was accustomed to sharing in some fashion with my father - would be hard, but I was unprepared for just how hard. On my daughter's birthday last weekend, I got as far as dialling the first three digits of his telephone number so that she could thank him for the birthday present she didn't receive this year before realizing that - of course - there was no birthday present and that he wouldn't pick up the phone. The emotionally gut-punch that came with that realization drove this point home: that I need to be better prepared for these moments. I need to have a plan for coping with these 'special days', these days that bring the emotional shocks and upsets with full force, before such days arrive.
But how to do that?
Dr. Cara Barker, writing at the Huffington Post, notes that "loss is an unwelcome guest at too many a holiday feast. We need to take time today with those we love, and celebrate those who are no longer here." She suggests "rewriting" your holidays (this is a potentially useful strategy for anyone struggling with the holidays, not just those coping with loss): begin by 'writing' (literally or figuratively) what your holiday/holiday planning usually looks like (in my case, unplanned, and featuring grief shocks) and then 'rewriting' it so that it looks like what you want it look like (my own example, again: a holiday that includes a plan for celebrating my father and making sure that his continued presence in our lives is honored.) Dr. Barker writes that you can begin this process simply by taking a piece of paper and writing "a simple description of what's most important for you this season. Go for details, not perfection" and then asking yourself what one little action you might take to set that in motion. In my case, for my daughter's birthday, that might have involved acknowledging my desire to include my father in some way, and then establishing some little tradition (having Emilia include him in her thank-yous, perhaps, or drawing a picture of how she'd like to include him, following the tradition she has already set of creating heaven-art for him) (since we're on the topic, see this post at ParentsAsk for some useful advice on navigating the tricky waters of talking to children about loss) that effects that inclusion.
There are other ways of celebrating/honoring/including lost love ones in the holidays and other celebrations. Beth Patterson at Navigating Life's Changes suggests lighting a candle in your loved one's honor, donating to charity or volunteering in their honor, telling stories about them, writing them a letter, or even throwing them a party. These are all good suggestions. But she also suggests taking care of yourself, and taking the time to nurture and protect your heart, which may be the important advice of all. Celebrating and including our lost love ones during the holidays can go a long way toward easing the pain of loss, but it can't make it go away entirely. Our hearts will still hurt. We need to be gentle with them.
Catherine Connors blogs at Her Bad Mother and Their Bad Mother and everywhere in between.
