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I am 62, divorced, basically without living relatives, endlessly curious, spiritually imaginative and always embarking on one sort of journey or anot...
 
 
 
 

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When the holidays just plain hurt

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Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. ---Leo Buscaglia

For some of us, the holiday season can be the spiritual equivalent of crawling through broken glass. If your holiday is up-tempo, it may be easy to miss the signs in people around you that say they are having it rough. Everywhere are the songs of family, of togetherness, of "no place like home for the holidays” of people having their “holly jolly Christmas” or gathering around the Thanksgiving table to full gathering of family eating a bird and fixings designed by Norman Rockwell. The TV commercials show perfectly intact nuclear families. TV special movies are about families rallying at the last minute to become whole again, to reunite, to become the perfect family once again. They are full of the successful reconciliations of which some of us only dream. No one is left divorcing or divorced – dying or ill or mourning – hurting or suffering for any reason. During Thanksgiving/Hannukah/Christmas/Kwanzaa/New Years, America suddenly creates images of herself as a combination of the Cosby family, Beaver Cleaver’s family, and the Brady bunch -- all perfect and smiling as they deck the halls, light the menorah, carve the bird or sing Auld Lang Syne. No problem is so gigantic that it cannot be solved in a one hour special.

For some people, these images of flawless and iconic families are just foolish. For some, they cut like a knife, reminding people of what they do not have or didn’t have or were not able to have. From billboards to Christmas specials, the media rocks on about a mythological family ideal that suddenly will exist in our lives if we shop at the right stores, wear the right cologne, eat the right food. And if you do not have that kind of thoroughly unblemished life, shame on you. It is easy to forget that nobody has that life 24/7. Nobody.

I arrived in NY over 23 years ago, newly separated from my husband of 13 years. It was snowing. Snowing hard. I moved in with a high school friend, and started to look for work in early December. I watched my pennies vanish as I failed to find work. Christmas music blared from every speaker in town. One I kept hearing over and over again was “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” The thought of Christmas being merry grew littler and littler every day. I grew to fear that song, and even today, so very many years later, I cannot hear it without remembering a particular icy morning long ago. I was looking for work.

I had stopped in at a coffee shop while in the process of applying for any job I might find. After great internal debate, I splurged recklessly on a steaming hot cup of coffee because it was so freezing cold outside. The lyrics came on, sung at the tremulous edge of a hopeful sob by Judy Garland “Someday soon we all will be together/If the fates allow/Until then, we'll have to muddle through somehow/So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.” I had to almost run out of the coffee shop because I started to cry and couldn’t stop. I had lost any sense that I could muddle my way to a merry Christmas or even a decent holiday ever again. My dreams had been dashed, and I was fresh out of new ones. I had never been on my own before, and here I was in NYC, divorcing, going broke, jobless, cold. And I was frightened.

Although it wasn’t my roughest life moment, I didn’t tell anyone about that day. In fact, this is the first time I am telling this story. Those of you out there reading this may have similar stories from your own pasts, or much harder, more private stories. Or, for some of you, this holiday may be the rough one – the hurdle it doesn’t feel that you can get over.

I wish I had the magic formula for how I got through that and some subsequent hard holiday years. Sometimes it was just gutting it out, counting the days until January 2nd. Sometimes it was helpful to do things for other people, taking the focus off my own stuff. Sometimes, I was able to grab onto

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lauriewrites 5 pts

I know it exists, and I think it's important to write posts like this one that tell us it's basically okay to feel however we want to about this time of year. I wrote a post the other day on my site that addressed some of the holiday pressures, and my response to them. Basically, I say, "Do whatever you want, just don't expect everyone to be in the same mood." I have Thanksgiving, Christmas, a birthday, a busy season at work, finals, and then New Year's all in a row...I try to take energy from it, but this year I'm not in the mood.

I think I just have a natural dip in mood that goes along with the shorter and grayer days - the seasonal affective thing really gets me!

Thanks again for this.

Laurie

Mata H 5 pts

"in soul pain" about caps it perfectly. Y'all are right about shifting the focus, embracing the gratitudes, rallying the troops of support. It is amazing to me every year how many people are in this struggle. There is almost a cultural taboo against mentioning it.

Fortunately I can focus on packing boxes for my move this year and let that carry me over the worst of the blues humps. Some years are tough, others less. Hang in there, sisters, and feel free to come here and vent.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs relentlessly at Time's Fool ( http://timesfool.blogspot.com )

IAAdmin 5 pts

About a year ago, I moved to LA from the East Coast, where most of my family resides. Last year's Thanksgiving, I spent with the family of a friend of mine so the holiday seem a little "normal." This year, I spent it by myself. For the first time in many years, I didn't have turkey, stuffing, or mashed potatoes.

At first, it was depressing. Who wants to spend a holiday, with so much family focus, alone. What I missed the most was the kitchen. Talking, laughing, and just enjoying each other's company. Sometimes it hard being an empty-nester.

But, as the day went on, I discovered, I was actually doing fine. I had plenty of things to keep me busy. I also spent an hour on the phone talking to my daughters.

Next year, hopefully, I'll be able to fly back for Thanksgiving, although, this year, I learned I can do it alone.

Lisa
Iowa Avenue ( http://www.iowaavenue.com )
Iowa Avenue is a dynamic community connecting people in a meaningful way for a meaningful purpose. It’s about a healthy lifestyle!

Gena Haskett 6 pts

Is is February 15th yet? I'm fighting off the holiday depressions. I had to go into a mall to purchase needed item, a bus pass. I don't shop for Xmas or any other holiday. It was pukeable. Xmas music, families everywhere and the insistence that buying items are required for joy and fulfillment.

I'm not against any of the above (okay I can really do without bad Xmas music) but it is almost like a cultural insistence that I be happy and I must buy stuff. I should have known better than to enter one foot in Stepford Land. Some years I handle it much better than others. This year the internal crud level started way earlier than it ever has before.

I want to be in isolation but I can't. I have to go to work, I have to use mass transit and there is a part of me that really embraces her Grinch blood line so I have to dig a little deeper to manifest "cheer".

I have to get elemental about it. I think first I have to embrace the gratitudes and remember any good thing that I've archived, accomplished or did well. I really have to give thanks to those people who helps me move forward this year, real, virtual and imaginary. I can't be skimpy on the support team. We all need reinforcement.

I think now more than ever you have to hold your passions around you like a trench coat. Or take time to discover something new - I've self-medicated on the personal financial blogger sites. I'm learning and understanding new concepts that have nothing to do with this time of year.

I'm also checking out pages on TV detectives and who knows what I'll be sucking in on Thursday. You gotta find that carrot that moves you forward.

I certainly have to reconnect with Spirit which for me means finding trees, grass or a ride to the ocean.

It will be ok, eyes on the prize - January 2nd.

Gena - Out On The Stoop ( http://outonthestoop.blogspot.com )

Debra Roby 5 pts

So far I have good days and bad. For about 10 days before Thanksgiving, I was miserable. Crying and grouchy and definitely feeling out of step with the world. Not just sorry for myself, but in soul pain.

However, I had no expectations for my own Thanksgiving and I've avoided public places since then, so it's not too bad AT THE MOMENT. Tuesday I need to visit a mall. And when regular TV shows begin to be replaced with holiday specials? I'm not sure that NetFlix will be able to ship me new movies fast enough.

I'd still like to hibernate from 11/10 until the first football game begins on New Year's Day.

Debra
A Stitch In Time ( http://astitchintime.blogspot.com )
Deb's Daily Distractions ( http://debsdistractions.blogspot.com )