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It’s hard to accept things we can’t change. And, contrary to popular opinion, I don’t think it gets easier as you get older. OK, some things are easier to accept. For example, looking older. For anyone who has never been a raging beauty, you can just shrug and say “It’s an Is”, because frankly you can’t miss what you never had. Sure, if you hit the lottery you might get rid of that double chin, but it’s not likely to happen and most of your friends look the same anyway.
Same with wrinkles. I was in a store yesterday, and someone said they aren’t wrinkles, they are character lines. I like that. Looking at things from that perspective it is obvious that I have been quite a character for many years. And if I’m honest, I enjoyed all the things I did that earned me those wrinkles. My character lines are an “is”.
For those of you not familiar with that phrase, I will explain. I have a doctor who is very cool, and we get into philosophical discussions during my yearly examination. That is also very cool, because it distracts me from the exam, and gets me thinking really hard about something ELSE. A few years ago, I was talking about my ongoing (never ending) frustration with a situation in my life. And he explained to me that I would be much happier when I realize that some things are just an “is”. Like a big snowfall. When you get up in the morning and there are 16 inches of frozen white junk in your driveway and on top of your car, it’s an “is”. When April 15th rolls around, you are supposed to file your taxes – another “is”.
Sure, it’s awful grammar. But it really says it all. And, once embraced, recognizing the “is” situations in your life really helps you get through the irritations and frustrations surrounding what you can’t change anyway. I picture the goal as achieving a Zen-like state, similar to the one Sandra Bullock tries to reach in “Miss Congeniality” when she starts chanting “Dalai Lama, Dalai Lama…”. Sometimes, it even works. I admit I spend a lot less time now chewing on the steering wheel of my car while stuck in traffic. I don’t limp around the store at work, because I don’t go in back and find something to kick when I get a difficult customer. It’s all good.
Learning to live with “is” has made me stop and take a look at things in a new light, and has helped me in thousands of little ways. Thanks a bunch, Doc!
So, how do you deal with a really BIG “is”? One that never seems to go away, and one that never stops hurting, never stops bringing you to a screeching halt in amazement at the sheer audacity of the moment? Beats me. I’m not really good at some big “is’s”.
One of the biggest “is” problems I have is when someone hurts one of my kids, and I know I am powerless to do anything about it. I have never been good at feeling impotent – I’m far too much of a control freak to be able to handle that with grace. I’ve learned to fake it, learned to chant mantras like “You can choose to be upset or you can choose to consider the source and move on”. Even when I know that it’s a total crock, I cling to those statements until the top of my head stops spinning around the room and comes back down for a landing. I guess I feel like I have achieved some sort of inner peace, or at least internal compromise, when I stop shaking with anger and can try to remember that, like so many other unfathomable things in my life, this too is just an “is”.
But some things just baffle me. I can’t wrap my head around it when someone sets priorities that truly hurt someone else. Especially when it is so blindingly obvious to me. You know how it is – you sit and ask “How can so-and-so do that? Don’t they see what they are doing? What are they thinking?” Well, you can ask yourself all those questions, but yourself hasn’t had any answers in all these years, so it’s unlikely you’ll get any now. Because it’s an “is”.
When your children are small, you can protect them. Physically you can keep them safe. Mentally and emotionally you can buffer them from things that are an
