Don't Be Silent or Feel Guilty When Motherhood Doesn't Come Naturally

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I remember telling a friend of mine when Kai was about 2- or 3-months-old: "They tell you you'd love them as nobody else in your life... I love him. But do I love him more than Peter? It's kind of the same." I would study Kai's face that had no resemblance to me whatsoever, the serious look in his face, his non-responsiveness to my kisses and jokes, his analytical stares, his so well timed outbursts of rage and cry and I kept wondering -- how is this kid even mine? See that cat over there? That cat walks around waiting for me to lay down on a couch so it can jump in my lap and purr. The kid? The kid doesn't give a shit if I exist.

Katherine Heigl mentions in the interview she felt as a horrible mother. I will admit I never really felt like a failure. I felt horribly upset with the fact that other women don't speak about this, because I assumed (and I still do) that I am most definitely not the only one who feels this way. I don't think it made me a bad mother. I stuck around after all. I did my best and waited around until Kai finally matured enough to show his love and attention and I can now say clear and loud that the love I feel for him is like nothing else in this world -- and while there are other people I'd die for, he is the only one I'd do so without having to take a second to think about it. He is the sun my life revolves around now and I don't mind all that much. But -- with that said... I am also not going to deny that he is the first person in over a decade that makes me want to scream at him and slam doors at him.

I want those other women who didn't speak up when I was pregnant to know that they are not alone, that they are not weird, broken or bad. I want them to know that there are people for whom parenthood comes naturally. They love it, they revel in it, it is their second nature. And there are people who struggle to keep their head above the water, they wonder, they doubt and in the end, they are not one bit worse of a parent, because they give their best each and every day. I want them to know that Rome was not built in a day, no matter what others might try to tell you. I truly believe that if women speak openly about how they feel, even when they hit the rock bottom of the motherhood, there would be less depression, negativity, self doubt and stigma -- and it would translate to a healthier relationships, all for the baby's and Mom's best interest. So speak up now.

 

Photo Credit: alvarez-tostado.

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