When, Oh When, Will I Have Sex Again???

"The person I meet will appreciate that I haven't slept with 10 people while waiting to discover him." I don't know; I meet plenty of guys who don't care either way, so I don't really factor that in for myself.

And I think of it as two needs, a physical need and a spiritual need. I'd rather find both, but under certain circumstances, I think just the physical would be pretty satisfying. I wouldn't have sex with any of my past L.A. boyfriends, but a high school reunion... That might have led to some interesting opportunities.

Still, I hear what you're saying. And you're right, the right guy for you probably *will* appreciate that you waited.

Cheers and good luck,

Liz Rizzo ( http://blogher.org/blog/liz-rizzo )

I blog at Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ ).

 I had 4 chances this past weekend to get laid.  It was my high school reunion weekend and 2 old boyfriends, 1 guy I didn't remember and a really good friend were all interested in being with me.  This hasn't happened ever, but it felt good to be desired.  Still, I knew that having sex and holding someone for a night wasn't going to satisfy my need for sexual intimacy.  That's because the need isn't for just sex, but it's a need for a spiritual connection that comes with love, commitment and monogamy.  I don't want to sleep with someone who is going to turn around and sleep with someone else after me or have a friend who I use when I've had a few glasses of wine to dull the inhibitions.  

I'm celibate right now and I realize even more after this weekend that that is my choice.  It's easy enough to get laid, but waiting for a true relationship does takes time.  I'm going to put myself out there in social situations and not stay home just because I'm tired, afraid, or whatever excuse I might have.  For instance, there are sailing clubs for singles even if you've never sailed or don't have a boat.  I Google  everything I'm interested in or might be interested in and check to see if there's a group in my area.  The person I meet will appreciate that I haven't slept with 10 people while waiting to discover him. 

Lynda

*

~~_/)_~~

You know, after I wrote this post I thought for the first time about people at work reading one of my posts. But how silly, because surely the idea that a single 30-something woman is sexually frustrating and considering options is far from earth shattering! LOL

Still, I *so* appreciate the comments that I'm not alone. Even when you know something in your head, it's not the same as hearing the confirmation from other people.

Thank you!

Liz Rizzo ( http://blogher.org/blog/liz-rizzo )

I blog at Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ ).

I'm so glad I am not the only one who couldn't figure out how to get the batteries into the Pearl Drop...I felt like I was in a bad episode of Sex in the City.

Contributing Editor Catherine Morgan
at catherine-morgan.com ( http://catherine-morgan.com/ ), The Political Voices of Women ( http://politicsanew.com/ ), Care2 Election ( http://www.care2.com/politics/features/ )

Great post! You are not alone! I know that the idea of casual sex or even friends with benefits is difficult to grasp and many can not do it. However, you seem very strong and you know what you want so why not go for it?

I was in your sex and relationships seminar and just loved it! I wish women could be more open about their sexuality and embrace it like you!  

Mir - LOL You're right, a positive attitude is so key. I just feel like I can't bear being full on in the situation where I am totally into someone - *and* having sex with them - and they're not into me. That would make me sad.

Therapy Doc - OK, but when's enough with the pain? Six years? Ten? Fifteen? Twenty? I do believe there will be tipping point for me.

Redheadshesaid - I hear ya. At least we're all in it together! And I'm jealous if you have an ex for sex. ;)

Liz Rizzo ( http://blogher.org/blog/liz-rizzo )

I blog at Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ ).

I haven't had sex since I got divorced...several years ago. I have come close many times but just couldn't do the deed for lack of love/commitment/I don't know.  I'm not interested in the freiends with benefits, I tried it between marriages. No, I'll wait. I have lots and lots of batteries. Of course there is always my ex...

redheadshesaid http://kidsofqueers.blogspot.com/

Whymomdrinksrum - Well, I've always wanted to go to Alaska, but I don't think they have much of a film industry for me. :)

Alyssa - You know, I agree with you, but in six years in L.A. I've not met one person who's remotely a possibility. But perhaps I've been turned off to it so that's part of why.

no_I_am_Zoe - "the odds are good, but the goods are odd." LOL

Mir - I'm afraid I would get involved and then fall for someone who doesn't fall for me. That would suck.

Maria - How funny! So totally going to check that out!

Therapy Doc - I hear you, but I think the point is, it's been six years and I'm sexually frustrated as hell. I'm a patient person; I can wait for the relationship. I'm just not sure if I can wait for the sex. ;)

Merlotmom! - There's just something that's holding me back. Oh well, time will tell... Guess I'm still thinking about the whole thing.

Gena - Oh, don't tell me it's going to get WORSE! Oh nos!!!

Thanks for the great comments, everyone!

Liz Rizzo ( http://blogher.org/blog/liz-rizzo )

I blog at Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ ).

I don't know how to break this to you but there is going to be an increase in urges. It is bio-chemical and you won't have much to say about the matter. Let me put it this way, the 7th fleet will not have enough manpower for you.

You are gonna need "handling." Part of that handling is re-framing having sex with yourself as a perk and not as a last resort.

If you don't want to do you well, the laws of attraction you know? Not saying that is your situation. Just putting the thought out there for those who have to make a few leaps of permission.

Until they get those automaton robots ready for female consumption we have to do what we can with the technology available.

Gena - Out On The Stoop ( http://outonthestoop.blogspot.com )

If I weren't married, that is.  Hey, Liz, you're airplane friend, here.  I say go for the casual sex.  Wish I'd had more of that and less inhibitions when I was single.  GO FOR IT and have fun.

merlotmom

www.merlotmom.com 

Sorry, it was supposed to read, Sex is easy.  It's late. Although Sexasy is like fantasy and that's not half bad.

therapydoc ( http://everyoneneedstherapy.blogspot.com )

at EveryoneNeedsTherapy ( http://everyoneneedstherapy.blogspot.com )

Aw Liz, honey.  You're missing the point.  Anyone can have sex, casual or monogamous, no diff.  It's the relationship part that's the bugger.  Get that and you can have sex forever.

Your feminist never casual and to the right, 

therapydoc ( http://everyoneneedstherapy.blogspot.com )

at EveryoneNeedsTherapy ( http://everyoneneedstherapy.blogspot.com )

This story of two women who set out to explore their options for finding sex partners: Sleeping Around Craigslist ( http://www.eastbayexpress.com/news/sleeping_around... ). As you point out, there is no easy answer to your question.

ConsumerPop Marketing ( http://www.consumerpop.com )
PopConsumer ( http://consumerpop.typepad.com/popconsumer ) (Politics, Current Events & Links)
Beyond Help ( http://mariax.vox.com/ ) (Music, TV & Pop Culture)

I just want to remark that about 10 minutes ago I looked up from the book I was reading and said to my lovely dog,  "Lola, when is mommy going to get laid?"

I'm all for giving it a whirl on the friends with benefits tip. Just go for someone you would *never*  imagine hooking up with in your quote unquote real life. That way all bets are off with respect to love, and if you end up caring for each other, all the better.

I am speaking from experience, my FWB is spending the summer in France and I think we are both a little surprised at how much we miss each other.  

You don't have to fall in love first, is the simple way to say that.

As for the advice about try Alaska...there is a saying there among the women about the men, "the odds are good, but the goods are odd."  Besides, during this time of year all the men are fishing.

nyaah, no pain no gain

therapydoc ( http://everyoneneedstherapy.blogspot.com )

at EveryoneNeedsTherapy ( http://everyoneneedstherapy.blogspot.com ) 

Liz, based on your hilarious writing, I see no reason why this worrisome person who you might fall for would not get his boxers in a knot over you big-time! 

Worry more about what to do if you end up feeling less then he does?

I am beginning to be of the (really cheesy) belief that we have a tendency to make our own fears come true (not in all cases, but in a few), so you may as well worry only about the best-worst case scenario.

Miriam
Flink Design ( http://www.flinkdesign.net/blog/mir )

I tired to resist commenting on this, which is ridiculous since it's one of my favorite subjects. Some old man who lives in my head and judges me sometimes is saying, "is this the professional image you want to put forth to the world? What does this have to do with Social Justice?"

"Shut up dude, it has everything to do with social justice. Well laid people are happy people, shut up and go get yourself some."

I agree whole heartedly with Denise. There are times, honestly, when me and my vibe of choice can just get things done more efficiently and sometimes that's what matters. But, while I agree that there is no substitute for LOVE and a committed relationship to REALLY explore the boundaries of sexual pleasure, there is no harm whatsoever in a slightly impersonal dalliance. Just make sure everyone knows that it is what it is. It's a great way to learn new tricks, find out that you do or don't like something new, even let your guard down a bit since there is nothing at stake - no relationship to worry about. To me, seems more personal than a vibe.... So, I dunno, if I were you, I'd give yourself permission to do a little window shopping on try on as many things as you want until you find one that fits.

At least that's what I tell myself as I stare at my potentially impending singlehood here on the horizon. Oh God!

Go forth and be merry child - you only live once. Try it all, keep doing what you like, don't give another thought to the things you don't like.

____________

Alyssa Royse

Just Cause It: ( http://www.justcauseit.com )A Web Site To Save The World

Start Her Up: ( http://www.startherup.com )A Blog for Women Entrepreneurs

A trip to Alaska? I hear that there is fun to be had there for women :o)

I recently had a veeeery uncomfortable conversation with a long-time friend who was asking me my opinion on bringing more people into her marriage and bedroom. Apparently her peak has just hit and she's about to break her hubby. There are entire websites/groups dedicated to that. Who knew?

If you aren't looking for committment....maybe some fun in one of those scenarios would be a good distraction?

http://whymomdrinksrum.blogspot.com/ ( http://whymomdrinksrum.blogspot.com/ )

Conventional motherhood? You bet it includes rum!

StyleHunter - I've had luck with eHarmony in L.A., although in the dead of summer, not so much. More people will be on it again in September, probably.

Denise - Hm. Well, you probably have a point there. I hadn't thought about it that way. Hm...

Liz Rizzo ( http://blogher.org/blog/liz-rizzo )

I blog at Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ ).

So interesting that so many people had trouble getting the battery in. I hope the manufacturers are listening. (I turned to TW for help with the battery because she's a vibe expert and even she struggled with it for a minute.)

Now, might I suggest something else... at the risk of having people gasp (or worse.)

If masturbation is a sad substitute, could non-serious relationship sex be any worse? It may not be the BEST but might still be an improvement?

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager

Flamingo House Happenings ( http://www.flamingohouse.net/ )

I definitely agree with you, Liz. Without love, I don't see how sex can be fulfilling. In LA, it's always challenging to meet someone you can trust and love with. I'm even out of places to look?! What to do, what to do...

Carpe Diem in Fashion!

That the perfect situation is almost impossible to find, especially, I find, when you live somewhere you didn't grow up and almost everyone you meet is new to you. You're not surrounded by people you've known for a long time.

Plus, it can't be someone you're hung up on, or who's hung up on you, AND it has to be someone you want to be with, you know?

I think I'm actually too sensitive now, anyway. You know, I just don't want to have sex with anyone I'm not loving.

Liz Rizzo ( http://blogher.org/blog/liz-rizzo )

I blog at Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ ).

You need to try the friends with benefits arrangement again. You said it's been years and your now in a more mature age group where this is way  more successful.  Give it a whirl girl!

Candeelady

Bonding Moms & Tweens

http://www.gogogluegunfun.com ( http://www.gogogluegunfun.com/ )