When, Oh When, Will I Have Sex Again???
I gotta tell ya, my sexual peak has pretty much been a bust. It's not that it hasn't happened - Oh, no, it's here, baby. It's that I moved to Los Angeles when I was 30, I've been single more than I've been coupled, and I've had exactly no luck finding someone to spend my life with.
I'm a monogamous relationship lover. I'm just not going to have amazing, mind-blowing sex when love isn't there. And here I am, single again. Most of my thirties have felt like one long, frustrating dry spell. It sucks.
I started having sex when I was 16. Serial Monogamy Queen. Now I look back to my teens and 20s and think, Thank goodness I had tons of sex when I could! I didn't have the drive I have now, but at least there was lots of great sex in those years.
At least I have the memories.
And a new Pearl Drop Vibe I finally managed to get open. (Suzanne, you just pull it apart really really hard and it pops open.)
Sigh. Masturbation is such a sad substitute for the real thing. The Pearl Drop Vibe would be much more fun to play with with a partner. At least its adoption into my nightstand means I can throw away my current small vibe which I've nicknamed The Battery Monster because it kills a double A every time I use it.
I've given my ongoing sexual situation a lot of thought in the last 6 years. I've considered if it would be possible to find a monogamous sex partner in L.A. - That is, someone who isn't the one, but you only have sex with each other, while you're dating openly. Friends with benefits. I had that once before, a million years ago, but I felt like he was becoming too attached no matter how clear my communication and his protestations otherwise, so I ended it. Other times, I was the one who wanted more, so I couldn't agree to the arrangement.
And honestly, because of happenings in my L.A. years since, I don't think I could trust anyone like that anymore, because I did open my heart to him and care about him, of course. I couldn't have it any other way.
I've considered embracing casual sex. Even to the point of walking completely away from hoping to find a life partner. My life is fulfilling and driven in so many ways; maybe I could just compartmentalize my happiness. Find sexual pleasure one place or places and find love in my friends and my artistic passions.
I've never really had completely casual sex. Try as I may to wrap my head and my heart around it, the thought of it is basically the equivalent of a cold shower. Which pretty much kills that idea.
So there's really no solution. I feel compelled to honor my heart right now, no matter how frikkin' frustrated it leaves me. No matter how much it makes my heart ache.
I think I've just figured out why I hate the word "abstinence." Because it totally SUCKS.
The Blogosphere Speaks:
How to deal with sexual frustration - a girl's solution. - Milwaukee Girl from Single in the City shares her process.
Nifzeta Chizala from The Voice in my Head blogs on July 14th, 2008 about being really into someone and not knowing what the deal is and not being able to make a move or understand (admit?) why he doesn't.
Contributing editor Liz Rizzo also blogs at Everyday Goddess.