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Previously, I talked about dealing with the drive-by attack. It is one thing to ignore an anonymous troll who says hurtful things to you, in many cases, just to get a rise and bring some attention to themselves. If, however, someone you do know - particularly if it is someone close to you - does something to hurt you, then dealing with the feelings of hurt, anger, betrayal, jealousy or resentment can be much harder to handle.
What do you do if someone you love and whom you cannot and do not want to kick out of your life, like a spouse, partner, parent, sibling, child or other loved one, does something that knocks the emotional wind out of you? Especially if their behavior is actually crappy, (for example they've lied to you or betrayed your trust in some way), and you are totally justified for feeling hurt.
In addition to feeling hurt you might have to deal with feeling lousy for being judgmental towards someone you care about. You wouldn't appreciate it if someone else was smugly shunning your loved one even while you long to do it yourself.
Righteous anger is a supremely conflicting emotion. I struggle when I feel this way. I find it difficult to let go, to recognize someone else's behavior in such situations to be their story and out of my control. My purple bracelet fails to get me back on emotional track and I can ruminate and obsess over how I've been wronged.
Part of the difficulty comes when it is someone I love because I wonder how they can't love me back in the same way and therefore in my mind as much as I do? And what if I am projecting what are really my issues - things in myself that disappoint me - onto the person I am angry with? Figuring out how to put boundaries on myself, how to deal with these emotions without blowing up and figuring out how to survive with relationships intact, is a challenge. Here are a few ideas I'm going to use when I'm feeling this way.
1. Gratitude
Gratitude is a curative for many ills. No matter how wronged I might feel I still have much for which to be grateful. It is hard to wallow in hurt and pain when you are looking at all that is good in your life.
2. Forgiveness
I can forgive the person who has hurt me. Forgiveness doesn't mean saying that their behavior is acceptable or that they should not be held accountable but rather that I can see them as human and as flawed and forgive them for what is true for me as well. Forgiveness is for me, in order to move past the hurt I feel, not to justify or approve of another person's behavior.
3. Friendship
If those close to me disappoint me or let me down, I can turn to friends. If it is family that is the source of my disappointment, I can spend time in the company of those with whom I've chosen to have relationships.
4. Perspective
I can think about whether or not the situation is really what my gut or broken heart is telling me that it is. I can think through the relative importance of my problems - is it my biggest issue and worth the investment of time and energy I'm giving it or would my life be happier and better if I moved past it and focused on more important stuff? If it isn't really true or if it is more my issue that I'm avoiding and putting on someone else, I can move towards releasing my hurt feelings and moving on. Plus there's always the technique of remembering that there are others who are far worse of than am I - quake victims in Haiti for example - to put things in perspective.
How do you deal with righteous anger, when someone has genuinely done you wrong? What do you do when the person who hurt you is not someone you can ignore and you have to figure out either how to live with them or live without them?
Related Reading:
Healthy Librarian at Happy Healthy Long Life: Joe Rollino at 104
Friends said he lived life to the fullest, and looked forward to every day with enthusiasm. He was never skeptical, cynical, angry or resentful.
Sarah at The Anvil Tree: Epiphany, Pt Deux
And it was six years ago. Six years, that I’ve kept my head down and tried to
